Cheap Love.

Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is a sucker’s holiday that was created by companies to hit you in your wallet and not your heart. If you are doing things right with your special someone, you shouldn’t need some day to reinforce it. If you’re banking on Valentine’s Day to make amends for all your past sins of the year, you’re just trying to bail out water on a sinking ship.

Valentine’s Day is a ruse my friends.

To make matters worse, the failed economy is already hurting brothers left and right making it almost impossible to be able to come out of it unscathed. So I’ve decided to help out by offering some advice on cheap ways to get around some Valentine traditions.

Getting a girl flowers.

This one is easy and you have a couple different options. Either grab some scissors and start cutting some neighbors flowers (especially the ones you don’t like!). Don’t hurt your own garden, that’s just silly. Doing this will allow you to create your own beautiful bouquet that tells her she’s the only one for you. I advise doing this one the night before.

Your other option is to visit the local cemetery/graveyard. There are some pros and cons to this move as you will already have a created bouquet eliminating some preparation steps, the downside being that it’s generally considered a rude thing to do and there is a 50/50 chance you could get stalked by a pissed off spirit for the rest of your life. Either way, the choice is on you.

The Card

In an age full of creativity and independence, nothing says that and sticking it to the man like creating your own card. Remember fellas, the art work doesn’t have to be up to Van Gogh or Dali status. As long as you can draw a sun or heart it's pretty much a done deal. Get inspirational and tell her you had kids at your local outreach program draw it for you. Either way, it’s the words that convey your message is what matters to her. Don’t forget the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” and it’s a fool proof plan.

OR if you’re a veteran of the V-Day routine, recycle a card. As long as it was generic and no one left a name you’re good to go! If she asks why it is written in such a different hand-writing style, tell her you took your time just for her.

Smelling Good.

One thing the ladies like are the little details. On this particular day make sure your well groomed and smelling like a rose. If you’re in a funk (literally) stop by your local drugstore and test a few deodorants (you can’t even tell if the aresol kind are open or not.) Ask a lady to spritz you with a nice cologne and be on your way. NOTE: Make sure you do this on your way to pick her up as you want to be in your olfactory prime for her. DON’T get smelly while she’s with you as this is considered tacky.

The Sweet Stuff

If you were smart, you thought ahead and bought Halloween or Christmas candy at insanely discounted prices. If you did, simply open the candies (leaving them in their bite-sized wrappers doesn’t really work) and leave them on a heart shaped cut-out piece of paper.

If you didn’t think ahead and don’t want to steal, the only other thing I can think of is loading up on the free peppermints they give out at resturaunts and lollipops they offer at banks and doctor’s offices. However, most girls will probably see right through this unless they really really like peppermint. (NOTE: It was suggested that fortune cookies are an alternative, but one bad fortune could turn your V-Day into D-Day if you get my drift. Women are more susceptible to signs during this time.)

Location, Location, Location,

This one is easy because it doesn’t really take a lot to be romantic. What it really takes is serenity and a bit of privacy which are what public park benches have been offering to homeless people for years. Find one with a view and you are set. The trick is to tie in similarities or the history of your relationship and you are golden. If a woman can see metaphors, she’s yours.
If you want to plan it out, get a blanket and pack a lunch/dinner. You can do this easily by raiding Costco’s free sample days this weekend first. Nothing says I love you like samples of Mush-yu Pork, Trail-Mix deluxe, and a random assortment of cheese. Just remember, don’t hog the samples or you might get kicked out prematurely. Peruse the aisles and rotate the stations to maximize your sampler tray.

Really, in the end, if the girl is legit, she won’t care what you have planned as long as you show that you have plans. Most down to earth women realize they just want to be thought upon and not doted upon. The pampering is just an added bonus. So don’t get the dates mixed up(remember it's tomorrow the 14th everyone!) and everything should work out just fine!

GOOD LUCK!