America

There is something very wrong with this country.

I don’t blame any of you for not seeing it. We are all spoon fed the priorities of the individual and distracted from ever looking at the bigger picture.

Sure, from time to time we see glimpses of urgent or impactful issues, but then they too get swept under the rug by the newest celebrity gossip.

It’s not even entirely our fault that it happened. It didn’t change over night. No, this was a systemic cultural evolution that fed off the only principle that has ever mattered in this country. Capitalism, or if you want to be blunt, where’s the money?

I could sit here for hours and argue with everyone about how government is corrupted, with wealthy senators lobbying and jockeying for power (all the while nothing real gets accomplished) or explain how for all the good the Occupy Movement could have been, it became a lightning rod in the hands of the confused and angry and resulted in very little being brought to the table.

But before I do any of that, what I want you to do is Google News and check the most highlighted stories – as to say what people are really caring about- and you’ll find the following.

Obama wants us all to eat horses.



I didn’t know that he actually made a campaign promise to permanently ban the use of horse meat for human consumption (SEE: LIAR), but in the grand scheme of things until I read another article that tells me companies are legally allowed to integrate Mr. Ed into my Big Mac, I’ll focus on other things.

(I could have sworn Taco Bell used to use D-grade horse meat as the secret ingredient in their burrito supreme.)

Herman Cain dropped out of the race for the Presidency.



I liked the guy from the angle that he was a maverick and had both parties on edge, but even if you have the slightest bit of conspiracy theorist inside you, you knew there are way too many influential people out there controlling the Electoral College that would have ever seen this man in the oval office.

And regardless of what he may or may not have done with other women in his lifetime, I do not understand the direct correlation that has with making decisions to change a country’s policies and lead people.



Unless his sexual misconduct was with this person, then I would question his decision making skills.

Obama is immortal.




http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/presidents-age-faster-rest-us-15098196

We already knew he was attempting to be a prophet of the world. (First, peaceful foreign policy, then free health insurance and now you’re going to employ everybody! YAY)

But apparently according to research, being the president of the united states has statistically shown to prolong your life expectancy. Not bad for the president with the most vacation and golf time of any other president in our country's history.

It just makes you want to go to Area 51 and solve Blue’s Clues for yourself doesn’t?

The FAA Chairman got a DUI on the ground.



http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/no-2-faa-official-takes-charge-after-administrator-resigns-in-wake-of-drunken-driving-arrest/2011/12/07/gIQA2tUhbO_story.html


I just don’t understand how this is relevant. Stupid people get arrested for stupid activities all the time. It’s not like he was directing 747’s in the air while smashed on some brandy and egg nog.

This little bill....

Oh and finally, our Senate just passed a bill that let’s every American citizen be arrested and held indefinitely without trial by our military in the name of homeland security. No big deal right?



http://www.aclu.org/blog/national-security/senators-demand-military-lock-american-citizens-battlefield-they-define-being/

The sad part is, that story wasn't even in the headlines. You have to search to learn of such atrocities because the media knows that dissent and anger won't make them money.

But hey, at least we know Alec Baldwin loves to play Words with Friends way too much.



We are so freaking screwed.

Move Along Move Along While I Write this Blog

I hate how much I love you to still care what you think.

Well Shit.

I haven't been around, obviously, so I think for now I'll just truncate the last few months to catch everyone up to speed.

Roslyn left me.
I work a bazillion hours a week still.
I went to Coachella!

I'm sure I'm about one more drunken evening away from writing a terribly-spelled eulogy as to why Roslyn ranaway, but I'm saving that story for the moment when I'm the most upset with her because she hates when any of her life get broadcasts when it isn't cookie cutter perfect. Suffice to say, I was dumb and she was intolerant and didn't want the relationship to survive. Whatever, enough time has gone by where I want to defiantly throw my middle finger in the air at her, but like I said, that's a tale reserved for after a fifth of jack daniels.




Work is still work, I work and then I work some more. In fact when Roslyn "left" as in moved out of our apartment without even telling me, it's because I was working a sweet 17-hour day on my day off. This crap is going to kill me and I now see why 40 somethings are so miserable. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Coachella has been my solace so far this year. Like a bastion dragging me from the brink, it invigorated me and left me with that sense of wonder and awe like a drug you just wish you could take and fall back into it. I call it Coachellity and it beats Reality every time.

If you've never been I highly encourage you to try it on for size, you'll hear bands you love, discover ones you never knew you'd like and complain about that one act that will end up crashing like a spectacular meteor based on the expectations of your mind.

I only leave two pearls of wisdom for it:

Water and Sunscreen.


I trust you know what to do with both because the heat was ridiculous.

Speaking of Ridiculous, the only thing I would have to complain about Coachella was Kanye. Man he stunk. Oh and Kanye, if you have one chance to say in an infamous line in front of 70,000 people, don't squander it.



But seriously, the festival was very well organized this year with PLENTY of showers, and lots of great spacing and plenty of fun activities. There was still the regular infestation of bee hives, people stealing stuff and someone getting run over by a four-wheeler, but it didn't rain on my parade. I can't wait for the pictures to be uploaded. I just really hope next year everyone from our group can make it.

As for next year, if they already had a layaway ready I'd sign up (I almost didn't get to go this year due to the festival selling out in 4 days) and as we always do we make predictions about who will be in attendance next year.

2012 Lineup:
Daft Punk
Incubus
Lady Gaga
Sound Garden
Foo Fighters
Radiohead
Eminem or Ludacris
Queens of the Stone Age
Iron and Wine
Mos Def
Perry Farrell (in some incarnation)
Infected Mushroom
Anthony Green
Dan the Automator
InnerPartySytem

If i really wanted aim big, then let's say Led Zepplin just for kicks.


I can't wait until next year's lineup, but now it's been decided that now we have to aim for Glastonbury in the UK. This year's lineup is heartbreaking that I can't go. Apparently it's an extremely detailed process that to go through doesn't even necessarily guarantee you a ticket!



So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, it's that you should never date women ever. They will just ruin you in the end or let you ruin yourself and that if you're going to work only work enough so that you can attend every sweet music festival you can.

I'm dedicating this song to you Roslyn. I wanted to make it work, and I wanted to be nice, but you didn't want any of that.

2011.

It’s a New Year.

The great thing about New Years is the mentality that people have about it. It’s almost as if people think that everything starts over fresh, like some giant video game that you can just hit the RESET button and it will all change.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that people want to jump start their optimism all at one time. I think that might be one of the reasons that people make it to the next year in the first place.

The only down side to all of this that New Years is just a lie. It’s an escape for one day before reality bites back down hard.

Think about last year, 2010. People always at the precipice of the something new will look back and complain about what they’ve already had. The best way to describe this phenomena is using a TV or computer. If you were to get a new one today, you’d say that your old one was a piece of junk and that you couldn’t wait to upgrade.

Guess what? You’ll say that when you buy the next one too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jaded. I just think that it is silly people try to rally all of their inspiration into just one day and then try to carry that mentality for an entire year.

I think you have a better chance of being hit by lightning. Unless that’s your New Years Resolution of course.

Seriously, to all the people who want to lose weight, stop smoking, get that promotion, discover yourself or just generally do better, you will never accomplish this goal on your own. Why not? Because yourself is already at fault for putting yourself in the rut or unhappy place you’re at and no promise over a sip of champagne and a giant ball dropping is going to change that.

So do yourself a favor and get help. I’m not talking a self-help book, some Nicotine gum, or a gym membership, I’m talking about finding another human being to pick you up when you’re struggling.

In case you’re not sure who to seek out, I’ve given you some options to help develop your options.

Weight Loss:



Find/Pay someone to ride your butt about getting into shape. Make them responsible for all the neglect you’ve already shown.



Think of it this way, until you can go to work in your bathing suit and not be embarrassed, that’s your end goal. Feel free to use that as a tool in your weight loss efforts, but be forewarned about impending sexual harassment lawsuits. Your call.

Smoking:



Find someone with throat cancer and become best friends. Chances are no matter how neutral you are about it, that voicebox is going to creep you out and remind you that you don’t want the same thing happening to you.

P.S. Watching Ned on South Park does not count as befriending.



If that fails, the only other thing I can suggest to you is have a baby. You can’t smoke around them (unless you’re a complete jerkoff) and it will help you kill the cravings.



Becoming someone better:

Get yourself a motivational speaker and life coach.



Only when you let someone else in and tell you that improving your life is possible and keeping you on track to do it will you succeed. Imagine it as a report card. If you have a goal you’re struggling to achieve and with no one checking in, it’s easy just to lie to yourself.
WARNING: The degree of success you get is from the caliber of person you select.

I hope that puts you on the right track.

As for me, I like to keep my resolutions simple, unique and most importantly obtainable. Last years went pretty well, with the exception of learning another language. I think I picked up a few extra Spanish words during Happy Hour at the El Presidente so I’m recycling that to this years cut. As for the rest, I actually just about filled my artwork book up which I intend to use throughout this years blog.

My only other two resolutions were to not be the first person to break eye contact when locking eyes with a stranger and to blog at least 5 times a week on this thing.

So fee free to share your resolutions. If you need help keeping them, I'm a publicly embarrassing post away from keeping you in line. Hopefully you all can do the same for me.

Until next time.

Idle Times

Hey all, still haven't kicked this whole being busy thing in the teeth yet. I'm working on it, but don't expect any kind of regular activity until January.

Apparently evil retail corporations purposefully suck all the joy out of their employees lives this time of year.

BUT, I did want to post something today that's been sitting on the back burner for a while.

Most of you out there have Facebook in this day and age, but like all fun things, it can easily corrupt. A recent study has labeled people 14-24 who spend at least 40% of their week on Facebook a new "hyper" society. If you ask me that just strikes me as lazy and unproductive, but MOST of us are guilty of it to some extent.

The ones that get me are the people who I see post 20 times a day. If you do this, I've probably already set your status updates to ignore. It's just annoying to read that you need my help in your gangster war, you found a yellow cow, you liked this song a lot, you just checked in at your house, and your updates......

OH your updates.

Here's a little bit of advice about what you feel you need to tell the world that I heard from someone else one time. If you can't say what your writing in a crowded quite line at the bank without feeling stupid, it has no business being layered in with that mask of anonymity, it shouldn't be said.

Plus, if you are keeping people posted about the fact you had a banana and some coffee, keep the trivial drool to yourself please and thank you.

Me? I have a rule. I post one status update a day NO MATTER what. The only time I break this if something is extremely time sensitive like, "Kogi BBQ truck in town for the next 2 hours." Otherwise, whatever I have to say can wait or be used in my blog...

Which brings me to the THINGS YOU NEVER SAW ME WRITE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO ANNOY YOU POST!

Below are some fun things I wish I could have said at the time but didn't because I didn't want to be a jerk and blow up your notification stations. Enjoy!

Why is that when my hands are full I always drop my phone before my soda?

When I see a skinny girl I always wonder how all her internal organs fit inside.

Murphy's Law only comes into play when you're in a hurry. This bad luck must be named after the cop Murphy who got shot up and turned into RoboCop.



How is it that my mother possesses the impeccable ability to call me back down to talk right as I'm at the top of stairs?

Dear Mr. Customer; I don't believe you when you want a $50 refund on an expensive bottle of vitamins to use on booze and smokes when you can't afford a shower. Please stop trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

To some friends, your value to them is a direct correlation to the fact of whether or not you possess a truck.

I would vote Stewart and Colbert as president and vice president without hesitation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Spandex is a privilege not a right.

Are we really so short on fresh new ideas that we are remaking indie films like Death at a Funeral and Let The Right One in less than two years after there initial release? Jeez Louise!



Poor decision making skills is the common denominator in all scary movies. Maybe that’s why most involve high-school students or uneducated common folk? On a related note, the business sector’s kryptonite tends to be end of days catastrophes like tidal waves, meteors and Godzilla.

I just need to figure out how to get 1% of 6 billion America people in the world to just give me one little old dollar.

Is anyone still use MySpace?

Why can’t my chicken flat bread sandwich look as good as it does in the picture I ordered it from?



When other countries have issues with the government they riot. Us? We just form tea parties and formally protest until we can find another corrupt politician to rally behind. Vicious circle.

It’s kind of cute when old people smell like weed

It’s always smarter to wear gloves when handling glitter. That stuff stays with you like a bad cough.



Telling yourself you’ll have just one drink on a Friday night is a shameful lie.

I love how I can fit close to 30 punk songs on a CD because of how short they usually are. This reaffirms that punk music spawned to placate the ADD riddled people.

If you wear a hood and/or sunglasses into my store, don’t get defensive that I assume you’re either a criminal or a celebrity or both (SEE: Wynona Ryder)

I’ve come to discover that the fan in bathrooms is not meant to keep steam at bay or make smells vanish but merely to mask embarrassing potty noises.

While looking into assisted living for my mom when I schlep her off to the home, I caught myself wondering if a hit-man would just be cheaper.

Whatever your reasons, if you wiped your butt and threw the paper in the trash can, you're a moron. I just can’t fathom this one.

I never lose sight of a low flying bird for fear it's making a bombing run.



If I let you in as some nice gesture while driving and you don't acknowledge my gratitude with a handshake or wave I just want to run you back off the road.

I’m a firm believer that if you can’t navigate aisles with a shopping cart/stroller, you have no business being behind the wheel of a an automobile.

No Mr. Bum, I will not give you any change for standing outside when you have a shade umbrella and a smartphone I catch you texting on. You can politely go to hell.

Mr/Miss Waiter, if I make contact with you it’s because I’m either checking you out or I need your assistance. Regardless of which it actually is, you have to pony up and take your chances.

If you have the choice, always get behind the car with a sticker on it. They tend to move faster. NOTE*This sticker cannot be a handicap, I support cops, Honor Student, or Baby on Board sticker.

I have come to the conclusion that the original Karate Kid has the greatest soundtrack of all time and no movie will ever come close to taking that title away. Not even a Danny Elfman scored flick.




See you later Space Cowboys.

JON BLOG JOVI

OK, so I could list a page worth of reasons about why I haven’t been able to blog, but who cares right? The point is you have all kicked and cried and thrown your tantrums and now I’m back. I can promise you that I will make it up to all of you with a little something I want to call the Power Hour Blog, but will dig into that later next week.

Moving along…..



See that redhead above next to me with amazement written on his face? He’s the SECOND prettiest redheaded man on the planet and he’s been complaining an awful lot about me not posting anything on here. So I figured why not take the spotlight off of me for a change and tell you a little about someone else. Enjoy the completely true facts* below.


Jon is so cool that at birth, knowing he was the one Jon to rule them all, he omitted the letter “h” from his name and had the corresponding Sesame Street episode that it was brought by banned from his household.

Jon is responsible for naming 14 As Seen on TV hits such as the Snuggie, Slap Chop, that one cream that gets out any scratch on your car, and the Sham-WOW among others.

Of those fourteen, twelve were derived while thinking on the toilet hence the common slang of “going to the John.”

Jon can speak 8 different languages including one that he made up on a boring day as well as elvish after watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy only 2 times through. (The extended cut)

Jon is the reason “Mmmmm Bop” exists after the Hanson brothers overheard him humming at a local Starbucks a decade ago. They still have not paid him any royalties, but Jon has let it go being the bigger man.

Speaking of big, it is well known that Little John of Robin Hood lore chose the name out of respect of the imminent arrival of this Jon who would be the biggest of the big.

This is also why John Bon Jovi prefers to be known simply as Bon Jovi or JBJ and why John Wayne went by “The Duke.”

The Dark Ages were aptly named because Jon wasn’t around to lighten peoples lives.

Sensitive to the classic Disney film Bambi, Jon petitioned that unidentified victims deserved more recognition than an animal term and that was how John Doe was born. Before that, they were all just Does.

As a ginger and being born with no soul, Jon rectified this by merely imitating the moves of Mortal Kombat character Shang Tsung at the local arcade. He now collects them as a hobby and leaves them in a jar in his parlor.

When Jon goes to the beach, the sun has to put on protective lotion from him.

It has been said that when scientists tried to reverse engineer Jon’s hot blooded body the formula for synthetic fabric insulation was born. They were later come to be known as Long Johns and are worn by most skiers.

Jon is the only man in recorded his history to be able to multi-task. Women from across the globe have thrown their significant others into his seminars saying that Jon is everything they wish their husbands could be… and more. Sadly no on has ever gotten right although they do give credit to a street performer who can juggle bowling pins, while balancing a spinning plate on his nose while performing a Dixie tune off his one-man-band instrument.

Jon once convinced medical professionals that nose mucus was the membrane that coated your brain and kept your intelligence inside your body. It was the best April’s Fool Joke in the history of the universe.

Jon has survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris. He lost a tooth, but he did survive.

Jon’s favorite movie hasn’t even been made yet, but he knows that it will be a science-fiction involving Christopher Walken and a locked lunchbox.

Stuck in the wilderness with zero supplies after saving a baby platypus, Jon called up his will power to intensely stare at a pile of logs until it caught on fire. He now uses this trick to heat up lukewarm coffee and cook the best nachos in the world at his beckoning.

Jon is responsible for creating the popular soda brand Cactus Cooler after accidentally knocking over a glasses of pineapple juice, Sprite and orange juice all at the same time.

Jon is a very good driver and obeys the speed limit postings at all time after a freak incident where he went 88 MPH one time. He doesn’t like to talk about it and has developed an intense paranoia of zombies.


Speaking of Zombies. The Zombie March is Saturday starting at 6pm and I know Jon and myself can expect to see you there! Call me, message me, find me and remember it starts at Newhall park and goes back to Brave New World this year. (That’s right folks, it’s backwards.)

CIAO!

Human Anatomy Strikes Again!

“It’s your kids Marty! We’ve got to do something about your kids!” – Doc Brown, Back to the Future 2

It has come to my attention that something horribly tragic has been affecting our kids like that unstoppable plague in the movie Outbreak.

No my friends, its far worse than the combined total of all violence in video games, the expensive needless cross-merchandising of stupid toys and collectible cards in animated shows or the horrible breaking news cuts showing high-speed chases and violent shoot-outs in the middle of the after school kids block.

It’s the boobs. Something has to be done about all the boobs.



No not those, THESE boobs.



It seems my future wife, Katy Perry, was recently on an episode of Sesame Street. In it she played up a ruckus adventure with her pal Elmo in a rather well crafted version of the pop-star’s song “Hot n’ Cold,” of the same name.
It’s just a shame really because there is nothing wrong with this video in the first place. Honestly I was trying to stare and it was rare that I could even see her shape between laughing hysterically at Elmo laughing.

I’m immature, what can I say?

Besides, she got her revenge.

My point is, that if I can’t notice it, then it shouldn’t be an issue with parents. If you ask me, it’s these kind of parents that will cry out when they notice something in front of their eyes but could care less once the kids go off to school and the blinders come down.

I mean by their logic does that mean Dolly Parton should have been boycotted all those years ago during her work with the Muppet Show?



Or worse should The Brady Bunch never made it on the air? That Alice was a cutie.



Or should we go full throttle here and just eliminate breast feeding while we’re at it? I mean we don’t want to start these little warp-minded hellions off on the wrong foot now do we?

I guess if it was that big of an issue, they should have done a check before they wasted all that money on production value. Besides, attacking just one little moment won't change the entire contamination of what has spread all too fast to the next generation anyways. Unless this is exactly what they wanted from it all along… that viral publicity.

It makes you think.

Speaking of thinking, did you guys figure out my last clue from yester-blog?

If you guessed that it’s International Make-Pretend day, or IMP for serious followers, than you guessed right! I do intend to make a rocket ship / fort out of a huge box and party it up like it’s no tomorrow.



Or maybe I’m just moving.

BUT while moving isn’t quite as creative as IMP day, it does involve boxes and I have to say I’m quite ecstatic about getting the hell out of Dodge (SEE: parent’s thumb).

I got a nice two-bedroom place and am currently on the hunt scouring the penny saver and craigslist for some decent furniture.

I do have three things that I will not compromise on and acquire for my new place:







That's right, a human knife block (mine will be Silver Surfer Chrome), a foosball coffee table, and a globe cocktail bar like in Inglorious Bastards.

In honor of this joyous event, anyone reading this is cordially invited to my apartment warming event I call, “Party til it’s 10-10-10.”



In case you don't have access to a day-planner or can't right click that clock in the bottom right corner to access a calendar, it starts Saturday, October 9th, around 8pm. We’re going to bring in this historic triple digit deal is going to be like New Years but much more unique. Like Y2K.

The event will be BMS (Bring Me Stuff) to help deck out my new pad. Things you can bring me are food items (please no junk food or cranberry sauce), fancy bottle of alcohol, artwork, or anything else that you think I might need at my new place. I don’t ask that you go all out, but any little contribution would be grand. It’s the thought after all that counts.

Oh and EACH person has to contribute something, no free-loading off your guests present.

Punks.

See you all at the shindig. Email me at redheadcrusader@gmail.com if you want to come but I have no clue who you are. OR RSVP here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=112789938782854

Lastly, I really wish I had been creative enough to do this with my Jeep when I still had it.