Idle Times

Hey all, still haven't kicked this whole being busy thing in the teeth yet. I'm working on it, but don't expect any kind of regular activity until January.

Apparently evil retail corporations purposefully suck all the joy out of their employees lives this time of year.

BUT, I did want to post something today that's been sitting on the back burner for a while.

Most of you out there have Facebook in this day and age, but like all fun things, it can easily corrupt. A recent study has labeled people 14-24 who spend at least 40% of their week on Facebook a new "hyper" society. If you ask me that just strikes me as lazy and unproductive, but MOST of us are guilty of it to some extent.

The ones that get me are the people who I see post 20 times a day. If you do this, I've probably already set your status updates to ignore. It's just annoying to read that you need my help in your gangster war, you found a yellow cow, you liked this song a lot, you just checked in at your house, and your updates......

OH your updates.

Here's a little bit of advice about what you feel you need to tell the world that I heard from someone else one time. If you can't say what your writing in a crowded quite line at the bank without feeling stupid, it has no business being layered in with that mask of anonymity, it shouldn't be said.

Plus, if you are keeping people posted about the fact you had a banana and some coffee, keep the trivial drool to yourself please and thank you.

Me? I have a rule. I post one status update a day NO MATTER what. The only time I break this if something is extremely time sensitive like, "Kogi BBQ truck in town for the next 2 hours." Otherwise, whatever I have to say can wait or be used in my blog...

Which brings me to the THINGS YOU NEVER SAW ME WRITE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO ANNOY YOU POST!

Below are some fun things I wish I could have said at the time but didn't because I didn't want to be a jerk and blow up your notification stations. Enjoy!

Why is that when my hands are full I always drop my phone before my soda?

When I see a skinny girl I always wonder how all her internal organs fit inside.

Murphy's Law only comes into play when you're in a hurry. This bad luck must be named after the cop Murphy who got shot up and turned into RoboCop.



How is it that my mother possesses the impeccable ability to call me back down to talk right as I'm at the top of stairs?

Dear Mr. Customer; I don't believe you when you want a $50 refund on an expensive bottle of vitamins to use on booze and smokes when you can't afford a shower. Please stop trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

To some friends, your value to them is a direct correlation to the fact of whether or not you possess a truck.

I would vote Stewart and Colbert as president and vice president without hesitation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Spandex is a privilege not a right.

Are we really so short on fresh new ideas that we are remaking indie films like Death at a Funeral and Let The Right One in less than two years after there initial release? Jeez Louise!



Poor decision making skills is the common denominator in all scary movies. Maybe that’s why most involve high-school students or uneducated common folk? On a related note, the business sector’s kryptonite tends to be end of days catastrophes like tidal waves, meteors and Godzilla.

I just need to figure out how to get 1% of 6 billion America people in the world to just give me one little old dollar.

Is anyone still use MySpace?

Why can’t my chicken flat bread sandwich look as good as it does in the picture I ordered it from?



When other countries have issues with the government they riot. Us? We just form tea parties and formally protest until we can find another corrupt politician to rally behind. Vicious circle.

It’s kind of cute when old people smell like weed

It’s always smarter to wear gloves when handling glitter. That stuff stays with you like a bad cough.



Telling yourself you’ll have just one drink on a Friday night is a shameful lie.

I love how I can fit close to 30 punk songs on a CD because of how short they usually are. This reaffirms that punk music spawned to placate the ADD riddled people.

If you wear a hood and/or sunglasses into my store, don’t get defensive that I assume you’re either a criminal or a celebrity or both (SEE: Wynona Ryder)

I’ve come to discover that the fan in bathrooms is not meant to keep steam at bay or make smells vanish but merely to mask embarrassing potty noises.

While looking into assisted living for my mom when I schlep her off to the home, I caught myself wondering if a hit-man would just be cheaper.

Whatever your reasons, if you wiped your butt and threw the paper in the trash can, you're a moron. I just can’t fathom this one.

I never lose sight of a low flying bird for fear it's making a bombing run.



If I let you in as some nice gesture while driving and you don't acknowledge my gratitude with a handshake or wave I just want to run you back off the road.

I’m a firm believer that if you can’t navigate aisles with a shopping cart/stroller, you have no business being behind the wheel of a an automobile.

No Mr. Bum, I will not give you any change for standing outside when you have a shade umbrella and a smartphone I catch you texting on. You can politely go to hell.

Mr/Miss Waiter, if I make contact with you it’s because I’m either checking you out or I need your assistance. Regardless of which it actually is, you have to pony up and take your chances.

If you have the choice, always get behind the car with a sticker on it. They tend to move faster. NOTE*This sticker cannot be a handicap, I support cops, Honor Student, or Baby on Board sticker.

I have come to the conclusion that the original Karate Kid has the greatest soundtrack of all time and no movie will ever come close to taking that title away. Not even a Danny Elfman scored flick.




See you later Space Cowboys.

JON BLOG JOVI

OK, so I could list a page worth of reasons about why I haven’t been able to blog, but who cares right? The point is you have all kicked and cried and thrown your tantrums and now I’m back. I can promise you that I will make it up to all of you with a little something I want to call the Power Hour Blog, but will dig into that later next week.

Moving along…..



See that redhead above next to me with amazement written on his face? He’s the SECOND prettiest redheaded man on the planet and he’s been complaining an awful lot about me not posting anything on here. So I figured why not take the spotlight off of me for a change and tell you a little about someone else. Enjoy the completely true facts* below.


Jon is so cool that at birth, knowing he was the one Jon to rule them all, he omitted the letter “h” from his name and had the corresponding Sesame Street episode that it was brought by banned from his household.

Jon is responsible for naming 14 As Seen on TV hits such as the Snuggie, Slap Chop, that one cream that gets out any scratch on your car, and the Sham-WOW among others.

Of those fourteen, twelve were derived while thinking on the toilet hence the common slang of “going to the John.”

Jon can speak 8 different languages including one that he made up on a boring day as well as elvish after watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy only 2 times through. (The extended cut)

Jon is the reason “Mmmmm Bop” exists after the Hanson brothers overheard him humming at a local Starbucks a decade ago. They still have not paid him any royalties, but Jon has let it go being the bigger man.

Speaking of big, it is well known that Little John of Robin Hood lore chose the name out of respect of the imminent arrival of this Jon who would be the biggest of the big.

This is also why John Bon Jovi prefers to be known simply as Bon Jovi or JBJ and why John Wayne went by “The Duke.”

The Dark Ages were aptly named because Jon wasn’t around to lighten peoples lives.

Sensitive to the classic Disney film Bambi, Jon petitioned that unidentified victims deserved more recognition than an animal term and that was how John Doe was born. Before that, they were all just Does.

As a ginger and being born with no soul, Jon rectified this by merely imitating the moves of Mortal Kombat character Shang Tsung at the local arcade. He now collects them as a hobby and leaves them in a jar in his parlor.

When Jon goes to the beach, the sun has to put on protective lotion from him.

It has been said that when scientists tried to reverse engineer Jon’s hot blooded body the formula for synthetic fabric insulation was born. They were later come to be known as Long Johns and are worn by most skiers.

Jon is the only man in recorded his history to be able to multi-task. Women from across the globe have thrown their significant others into his seminars saying that Jon is everything they wish their husbands could be… and more. Sadly no on has ever gotten right although they do give credit to a street performer who can juggle bowling pins, while balancing a spinning plate on his nose while performing a Dixie tune off his one-man-band instrument.

Jon once convinced medical professionals that nose mucus was the membrane that coated your brain and kept your intelligence inside your body. It was the best April’s Fool Joke in the history of the universe.

Jon has survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris. He lost a tooth, but he did survive.

Jon’s favorite movie hasn’t even been made yet, but he knows that it will be a science-fiction involving Christopher Walken and a locked lunchbox.

Stuck in the wilderness with zero supplies after saving a baby platypus, Jon called up his will power to intensely stare at a pile of logs until it caught on fire. He now uses this trick to heat up lukewarm coffee and cook the best nachos in the world at his beckoning.

Jon is responsible for creating the popular soda brand Cactus Cooler after accidentally knocking over a glasses of pineapple juice, Sprite and orange juice all at the same time.

Jon is a very good driver and obeys the speed limit postings at all time after a freak incident where he went 88 MPH one time. He doesn’t like to talk about it and has developed an intense paranoia of zombies.


Speaking of Zombies. The Zombie March is Saturday starting at 6pm and I know Jon and myself can expect to see you there! Call me, message me, find me and remember it starts at Newhall park and goes back to Brave New World this year. (That’s right folks, it’s backwards.)

CIAO!

Human Anatomy Strikes Again!

“It’s your kids Marty! We’ve got to do something about your kids!” – Doc Brown, Back to the Future 2

It has come to my attention that something horribly tragic has been affecting our kids like that unstoppable plague in the movie Outbreak.

No my friends, its far worse than the combined total of all violence in video games, the expensive needless cross-merchandising of stupid toys and collectible cards in animated shows or the horrible breaking news cuts showing high-speed chases and violent shoot-outs in the middle of the after school kids block.

It’s the boobs. Something has to be done about all the boobs.



No not those, THESE boobs.



It seems my future wife, Katy Perry, was recently on an episode of Sesame Street. In it she played up a ruckus adventure with her pal Elmo in a rather well crafted version of the pop-star’s song “Hot n’ Cold,” of the same name.
It’s just a shame really because there is nothing wrong with this video in the first place. Honestly I was trying to stare and it was rare that I could even see her shape between laughing hysterically at Elmo laughing.

I’m immature, what can I say?

Besides, she got her revenge.

My point is, that if I can’t notice it, then it shouldn’t be an issue with parents. If you ask me, it’s these kind of parents that will cry out when they notice something in front of their eyes but could care less once the kids go off to school and the blinders come down.

I mean by their logic does that mean Dolly Parton should have been boycotted all those years ago during her work with the Muppet Show?



Or worse should The Brady Bunch never made it on the air? That Alice was a cutie.



Or should we go full throttle here and just eliminate breast feeding while we’re at it? I mean we don’t want to start these little warp-minded hellions off on the wrong foot now do we?

I guess if it was that big of an issue, they should have done a check before they wasted all that money on production value. Besides, attacking just one little moment won't change the entire contamination of what has spread all too fast to the next generation anyways. Unless this is exactly what they wanted from it all along… that viral publicity.

It makes you think.

Speaking of thinking, did you guys figure out my last clue from yester-blog?

If you guessed that it’s International Make-Pretend day, or IMP for serious followers, than you guessed right! I do intend to make a rocket ship / fort out of a huge box and party it up like it’s no tomorrow.



Or maybe I’m just moving.

BUT while moving isn’t quite as creative as IMP day, it does involve boxes and I have to say I’m quite ecstatic about getting the hell out of Dodge (SEE: parent’s thumb).

I got a nice two-bedroom place and am currently on the hunt scouring the penny saver and craigslist for some decent furniture.

I do have three things that I will not compromise on and acquire for my new place:







That's right, a human knife block (mine will be Silver Surfer Chrome), a foosball coffee table, and a globe cocktail bar like in Inglorious Bastards.

In honor of this joyous event, anyone reading this is cordially invited to my apartment warming event I call, “Party til it’s 10-10-10.”



In case you don't have access to a day-planner or can't right click that clock in the bottom right corner to access a calendar, it starts Saturday, October 9th, around 8pm. We’re going to bring in this historic triple digit deal is going to be like New Years but much more unique. Like Y2K.

The event will be BMS (Bring Me Stuff) to help deck out my new pad. Things you can bring me are food items (please no junk food or cranberry sauce), fancy bottle of alcohol, artwork, or anything else that you think I might need at my new place. I don’t ask that you go all out, but any little contribution would be grand. It’s the thought after all that counts.

Oh and EACH person has to contribute something, no free-loading off your guests present.

Punks.

See you all at the shindig. Email me at redheadcrusader@gmail.com if you want to come but I have no clue who you are. OR RSVP here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=112789938782854

Lastly, I really wish I had been creative enough to do this with my Jeep when I still had it.

My week in Pictures

It’s only Wednesday and I can tell you I’ve had a very busy week.

I’ve wrecked a car:



Did I mention that I wrecked it drunk and under the influence?



I went and saw a band:




I finally ate something weirder than the Seafood Sensation at Subway, the Monte Cristo:



I almost threw it back up when I saw this license plate:



I did a few push-ups.



I made some sweet purchases:



And the last one? Well, I’ll give you a clue.



Let’s see you get in your thinking chair and solve that mystery.

Big Day

I was told that today is supposed to be the “big day” for me.



Last time I checked, it’s not my birthday, I’m not getting married, I’m not pregnant, Victoria Secret isn’t having its Semi-Annual Sale, and I didn’t buy a lotto ticket.

So I don’t see any special reason to crawl out of bed and put on those special silk boxers that make me feel like I’m the king of the world.

No, instead I’m to be promoted (SEE: It’s a Trap!) and finally anchored into a store where I and I alone will get to make all the big boy decisions of a CVS/pharmacy retail location.

Pretty much, I’m the Boss.



Truth be told, I’m kind of looking forward/completely dreading the change. I like being in charge of myself and not having to report to any immediate superior. At the same time, I’ve never really been in charge of anything larger than a nine-man operation. Now I’ll be in charge of 20 something souls… or more

I just found out the location. It’s supposed to be temporary though. Right now I’m in a nice neighborhood, but I am fearful that I’ll end up in an area where people have no respect for things. Just take a look at these photos of a store I worked at a few days ago. The sad part is that these photos were taken 15 minutes after I had just worked that area.




So I guess that’s it. I think this will be the final factor in whether or not I can handle this company. A sink or swim if you will.

I am excited to announce my next challenge however though! Are you ready? I give you the…..




My friend Adam (SEE: Persian John Lennon) announced the other day that Gary Numan was the single greatest performer to ever exist. I might be exaggerating that a tad bit, but if people didn’t ever do that, we wouldn’t have things like the Iraqi War or that catchy “original” song from Vanilla Ice.

It’s all about the ice ice. Baby.

I told Adam that there was another, better Newman out there. He’s Randy Newman and he’s no pushover. Having scored just about every important Disney/Pixar film of the last two decades he’s a powerhouse of sound. You’ve got a friend in me? Rumor has it that song paused Palestinian/Israeli conflicts for a whole two months when Toy Story came out.

Adam tells me he has 885 songs to rock out to, but like so many things in life, it’s quality, not quantity.



So since he’s sticking to his guns like any other senseless prideful Numanite, I offered him the challenge of watching/listening to our respective champions until the other falls.

He foolishly accepted.

I think what Adam forgets is the way I do my challenges. Money comes and goes but embarrassing moments live on forever in time. That being said, I’m delighted to announce that the loser has to have their chest waxed with the cameras rolling.



I have no intentions of losing so place your bets!

Stay frosty guys.

Lastly, enjoy the newest video from Taylor and myself as we call out Michael Bay for his crimes against humanity.

Shameless Self Plugs

Bacon is going to be the death of me.



Although I don’t love it THIS much

I just can’t say no to the stuff. In fact, I love bacon so much, I’ll shamelessly watch any movie with Kevin Bacon in it. Furthermore, I find it baffling that an entire religion has decided they can do without it. If I lose a few years off my life so that I can treat my taste buds right, then so be it.

Before we start, it should be known that NO ONE won the Call Justin Challenge. I received a few e-mails and messages from you guys telling me of unsuccessful attempts.

Here are two videos below of people failing. (Or is it Justin failing them?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7TBHEYsO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKzaGJsxOKs&feature=channel

Regardless, stay tuned for a new challenge in the future and maybe with money on the line, it will motivate you to check more often then waiting for me to post a status on Facebook.

From here on I’m shamelessly plugging things you need to swear you’re going to check out! Or else...

The Bell Boys

These guys hail from Portland, Oregon and will rock your socks off with their folk rock vibes. Easily one of the best sounds I’ve heard all year. The best part? You can buy the album at the link below at a choose your own price. It’s pretty revolutionary and you can own the entire album for cheap! BUT YOU BETTER PAY MORE! Expect a review of them to come.



Here's the link to buying the album. http://thebellboyspdx.bandcamp.com/


Totally Taylor’s World

It’s a new concept where I intend to film Taylor and how he sees the grown up world through the eyes of a seven-year-old. Below is a film we made in just a few minutes.





If you live in Santa Clarita, it’s very likely that this place might be the last bastion of hope for a nice lounge. Oddly enough it’s in the home of a former dive. It serves an eclectic number of beers and caters uniquely fresh European food flavors. It’s an interesting fusion of styles and I encourage all of you to go check it out. Like Now.

Lastly is a project that I’m currently involved in. I can’t embed the videos just yet, but if you’re at all curious then check it out by clicking the picture below.





Lastly at the request of a lot of people lately, I’m going to start trickling out the remaining WALE’s I’ve accumulated since last updating the site in December. I’ll probably upload one a day until they’re gone, so enjoy them while they last. That or encourage people to keep adding to it.

See you next time.

Make the Call Challenge

OK, so I’m posting a challenge today that can win you $50 dollars. That’s right real money. The kind of amount that gets you two whole tanks of gas AND enough left over for a pack of gum.




This is my friend Justin.



This is my friend Justin’s phone number.

He is the world’s worst person to telephone. Tom Cruise and his Impossible Mission Force (SEE: Scientology) wouldn’t be able to get a hold of this guy if the fate of the universe depended on it.

Me? I can’t even just go get tacos with the guy.

So here’s the challenge. You have until 11:59 PM September 21st, 2010 to get a hold of this guy. You can talk about the weather, ask him out on a date, or invite him to go get tacos (I expect to be included in this).

If you are the first person whose call he takes, you get $50 USD. (I say that in case you are from England and try to trick me into paying you 50 pounds.)Check the video out of me at the bottom of the blog for more.

THE RULES

1. You must video-record yourself calling him and have it uploaded to Facebook, You Tube, etc. BEFORE the deadline. Late submissions will not count.

1 ½. The call must be on speaker phone. I want to know what you talk about.

2. There is no limit to how many times you can call. Bug him as much as you like, if you think it will increase your chances, by all means.

3. NO leaving voicemails. It is not the intention of this to clutter up his inbox.

3. For those of you who know this gentleman, you CANNOT use any other means to get a hold of him first. That means no text messaging, social networks, emails, calling other phone lines, smoke signals or going to his house and saying hi. I will verify with the man (once I can get a hold of him) if there was any Tom Foolery.

4. Cheating in any other way that I cannot foresee will not be tolerated.

5. If you intend to participate, please e-mail me your address so that if you win I can mail you your winning prize. redheadcrusader@gmail.com

6. If you are or have been something other than platonic with him, you are not eligible as he might actually care about your call.


So that’s it. Let’s keep this fair and clean and I’m excited to see the videos and see if he actually answers the call.

GOOD LUCK.

I'm all about those words.

It’s amazing the kind of power that words have.

They have the power to mend wounds, cripple dreams and make math problems very complicated.

I say that because last Friday, as a joke, I instigated a test in a friend’s personal life. You see, she was complaining about her current man-thing being a little obsessed about her every action. I don’t know if it was as detailed as far as in deciding whether to play it safe and eat the oatmeal or live dangerously and go far the bagel, but he seemed to have his fingers dipped in all her current affairs.

So, me being me, I stressed a point. I went on my phone's facebook and "liked" said friends last four wall posts, made nice and appropriate comments about her last few profile pictures and then thanked her for coming out to dinner.

All true stuff. None of it should have been taken as anything other than compliments. This all took a matter of five minutes or so, (T-Mobile 3G is a joke) and within five minutes of that, my friend received a text message from her beau saying she was a liar and that they were splitsville.

It literally happened just like that.

For a second, I thought I had crossed that immoral line of home-wrecking at the expense of a prank. Luckily, the friend has a better sense of humor than me and was laughing within minutes and sharing the story around the table. I felt vindicated and a little drunk with power, but deep down it reminded me that once we say something, it can’t be taken back.

So I’d like to say one last thing to my friend, who’s one of three self-proclaimed avid viewers of my blog, it’s his loss, not yours. You go girl.

This of course got me thinking about other things that should just never really be said.



Weight. Let’s face it, every man in the world dreads the inevitability of getting asked, “Does this make me look fat?” If you’re like me your smart and just shut your trap and start pretending you’re choking.


Ugly babies. They’re out there, and they’re not going anywhere guys. And while we all know that it’s not right to tell some couple and the sum of their love is comparable to something you would wash away with your garden hose that doesn’t make it right. However, what you might not realize is that you should also never tell your significant other that either. They will think you unfit for parenting and hold a mental grudge against your insensitivity. Just bury that one deep down.



A poorly cooked anything. Remember that saying, it’s the thought that counts? Well, the last time I checked thoughts aren’t edible and they definitely don’t stave hunger pains. But just know that if you spurn someone’s cooking you never know what you may get the next time if anything at all. It’s best that if you are being forced to chow down on something that you can’t keep down to go back to the first rule and start pretending you’re choking.



Driving. I have two rules about driving. If I’m at the wheel deal with it. If you’re in the front passenger seat, you’re in charge of the radio unless I tell you I really like that song. Rather than tell me what I’m doing wrong/missing/generally failing at, get proactive and take charge yourself. No one should be critiqued while driving a 6,000 pound object at a speed that can squish you flatter than a pancake at the flick of a wrist.

Politics. We are a diverse melting pot. That being said, it’s smart to just agree to disagree. Unless you follow the O’Hannbraughbeck. Then you’re just wrong.

And stupid.



Speaking of words though, I leave you all with something very dear to me. In a sincere request for a farcical retort to the recent Glenn Beck rally, the efforts of Restore Truthiness have gained traction.

The Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive is now happening this October 30th, 2010 at the National Mall. I really want to go, but don’t see that as a possibility because it’s frankly a lot sooner than I would like and it’s in DC and it’s the night before Halloween.

I have high hopes for this event because I just want to be validated that there are more rational, comic-minded people out there than the spooked mindless sheep that always seem to garner media attention.

Click the appropriate banner below to enjoy the videos.



Stay tuned for my own big announcement tomorrow! You don't want to miss it!

Mobile Thoughts

Hey all, I'm blogging from my phone again so enjoy all the spelling errors that are sure to ensue.

I just wanted to write this down now and get it off my chest before it defuses and becomes irrelevenat later.

So today is my first "real" day back for work in over a week. I ended up getting terribly sick resulting in me fighting a losing battle and getting strept throat. It was so bad that someone inquired if I had been chain smoking for the last 10 years straight.

In an ironic twist, the incapacitation left me stuck in bed and with perfect timing to play Halo Reach all day for the last 3 days. I'll write more on that in the days to come.

For now let's just say I've been trying to get back into the right mood set of work here on my first day back.

Jumping to the moon might be easier.

I just can't do it. The reason being that they asked me to go visit one of the crappier stores today. One off sepulveda and irwin in van nuys. The reason it's crappy isn't the area (although it certainly doesn't help). It's the incompetent management and the fact that the person doesn't want to fix things.

It just makes it really difficult to find traction on wanting to help out when all I really am is a pack mule doing a ton of heavy duty work. I'm all about being a team player, but when someone making more than me but doing less than me exists (SEE: Capitalist America) it's just a deep wound. When I start thinking down that road, the sum of being an employee versus working for myself just gets rather encumbersome.

I'm so tired of it.

Quickie but a Goodie

I've been super sick the last few days so I'm going to summarize the point of today's blog in two words.







See you in a few days space cowboys.

Epidemic

We have a serious problem America.

It’s bigger than terrorism, it impacts more people than the economy and like carbon monoxide, you’d never know it was around you until it was too late.




It’s no joke. According to my sources (SEE: Cha Cha) roughly 4% of America or 12 million for those of you who can’t do math still have not done the dirty deed. It gets better. About 30% of women, who are 18 years old, are virgins. By age 19, only 19% of women are virgins and by 24 only 8% are virgins. It’s true.

So what do we do about it? First, we acknowledge that there are virgins all around us and get them help.



This ad is no joke people. The number is real. Dial (888) 743-4335. It’s automated so you need to give it a call, (even if you’re not a virgin it’s just funny as hell). The only confusing thing about the ad is that I’m not sure if they mean to help the virgins out there by helping rectify the problem (SEE: Escort Service) or console them into believing everything is perfectly alright (SEE: Suicide Hotline).

All I know is that information is power and it’s time we be on the look out for these virgins so we can help them.

How to Spot a Virgin:

Spotting a virgin is easy when broken down into the two qualifying categories (three for the ladies).

Men’s Appearance:

Like most mammals in the animal kingdom, when a male selects a mate, he will decorate himself to make the ladies swoon. Some animals groom themselves, others show off elaborate plumage.

Men are no different and spotting one is no challenge. Virgins tend to be universally weak with very little muscle mass. They can be any shape or size but tend to be both pale and scrawny or fat asses. Other indicators are the way they accessorize. Thick-framed glasses, net books inside European messenger satchels (SEE: Purses), pocket protectors and asthma inhalers are all plain hints that the word fornication has escaped these people.



Be careful associating fanny packs in this category. While somewhat embarrassing, they are a favorite of off-duty policemen to carry their guns and are currently blowing up in Australia as the next big retro comeback.

Men’s Behaviors:

If the appearance has you on the fence, behavior will be the deal sealer. Most virgins do not know how to function in a world outside of their Massively Mulitplayer Online Role Playing Games or MMORPG (SEE: World of Warcraft).

The term “ice-breaker” will be unfamiliar with these people as they will talk about things completely irrelevant to getting towards their long-term goals (SEE: Consummation). They usually exhibit poor motor coordination outside of the arcade and are incredibly timid and passive.

In the unlikely hood of a woman showing interest, they usually clam up and stumble across words to only then make up for it by buying them a bunch of stuff. A virgin is like a credit card with no spending limit.

They likely still live at home with their parents. Depending on the age of the virgin, they may have been exiled to the guest house or basement.*



Typically their social life consists of conventions, so if you find yourself at one, you have entered the proverbial “lion’s den.” You might want to ask yourself exactly why you are there.

An example of a virgin would be FOX News Reporter Tucker Carlson. Judging by his bow tie (deemed appropriate only at fancy balls and shindigs), lack of rhetoric in conversation and the gut-feeling he still lives with his folks, he was standard definition of nerds until just recently when he discovered the tie and FOX moved him from unpaid intern to a real position.



Female Virgins:

Appearance:

As with the males, women that are still virgins tend to usually be “fugly.” Like men, they come in all shapes and sizes but prefer the color black as it either slims them down or scares men into believing that they worship the Satan. If they’re wearing a sweater in the middle of summer, this is considered a bad sign.


One factor that varies for women is hair quotient. Sometimes this is simple that their hair is in their face obscuring their looks. Other times there is hair ON their face. Moustaches, beards, arm hair thick enough to look like water wings are all deterrents in the fixing their virgin status.



Behavior:

Some virgins are super attractive but hold off on taking the plunge due to abstinence (SEE: Jonas Brothers Cult) or have decided to wait by carrying with them various tools to repel men until they feel ready (SEE: Bible).



With the exception of those selective few, most women mimic the same trends as their male colleagues in that they couldn’t talk their way out of a paper bag. The reason they can’t figure this out is usually do to the lack of knowing the correct body language (Extend chest out while talking).

Following that, usually the only girls left are the ones that believe themselves fiercely independent where sex objectifies and degrades women. Refusing to conform and jump on the skanky band wagon, they take a rigid stance on the other side of the spectrum and invoke celibacy and decree sex immoral. These women later become lawyers, PE instructors and nuns.




Anatomy:

Finally, a girl can be determined a virgin by the indication of her hymen being broken. It is, however, very unlikely that a girl would show you her hymen as evidence and asking is also ill-advised as a slap across the questioner’s face may occur.


In conclusion, now that you have learned several of the outliers that will help you determine a virgin, it is your job to give them the above phone number and help them.

We all have to start somewhere.

Oh and in other good news, that whole burning Quran Day thing? It's been moved to a TBD kind of thing so for now we're all back to hugs and kisses right?



I guess not.


* It should be noted that, while accurate there are situations in life that must be factored into the basement/guest house equation such as loss of job, loss of residency, or loss of pride.

DATES

As we creep over the hill into the later half of the year and I turn my awesome Dr. Horrible calendar to the right month (it was a few behind), I find myself starting to reserve some important days as well as scratch my head at the decision of other people for their own important dates.

August 28th, 2010 Martin Luther King’s… Glenn Beck Day

It’s no coincidence that the most recent right-winged nut job to join the collection of the O’Hannbaugh decided to piggy back a day revered for changing America as his platform to spew his baloney to the masses.




THE O'HANNBAUGH

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20014993-503544.html?tag=mncol;lst;9

The scary thing is, over 87,000 people turned out for this. Beck was hoping for around 300,000 but regardless, the fact that that many absent-minded sheep followed him is a disturbing sign that people are willing to be spoon fed anything.



We don’t need the government to tell us how to live our lives and we don’t need FOX News commentators (I refuse to call any of them journalists) to do it either.

September 8th, 2010 Grindhouse

Tomorrow night is Machete at the Drive-in. It’s going to be legendary!



September 10th, 2010 Birfday Goodness

Jess is having a birthday party! She’s super cool and you should become her friend on Facebook so that way we can all party. She's a cool cat and has a badminton court. I know what you're thinking, why don't I go find some hip seniors and then I can play shuffle board and bridge while I'm at it, but Badminton is too legit to quit. Plus that little birdie that you bang around, it's professionally called a shuttlecock.

Yeah, I went there.

September 11th, 2010 International Burn a Kuran Day…. Wait what?



Are you freaking kidding me? Why is it, that when people feel threatened by a minority/fraction of a larger group of people that the only way to retaliate is by lashing out at the wrong side of the coin because it’s easier to do? Check out the interview here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05t17RNjGYA&feature=fvst

This is just plain stupid and it’s a shameful misrepresentation of America and the Muslim culture. I intend to light a candle for the tragedy and stay silent for a few hours out of respect. What a horrible way to taint an already even more horrible event.

Plus this whole nonsense is never going to stop until one side becomes the bigger person. I’m not saying I agree with Obama’s concept of “let’s be friends,” but by doing this we insult and tick off 1.5 billion Muslims let alone endangering all our troops in hostile areas and putting them further in harm’s way.

We built this country on the sense of practicing freedom in our everyday lives. I understand it’s your right to burn what you want, but I think this world would be in a much better place if we just tried to put ourselves in each others shoes just once a day.

This Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center should call the Westboro Baptists, maybe they can have a picnic together.

October 11th, 2010 Super Secret Surprise for Two!

You don’t get to know about this one, I just wanted to rub it in your face that it will be AWESOME.

October 17th, 2010 Insanity

The Germans have Oktoberfest and we have… a bunch of people drinking around a keg in the woods. Theirs is a month long. Ours is one weekend. Sure it doesn’t have the pizzazz or event coordination of that thing they do over there, but hey, if you want to have fun and hang out with me and some of the funniest people on the planet, RSVP ASAP.

October 23rd 2010 Brave New World Zombie Walk

Last year’s Zombie invasion of downtown Newhall was almost last minute and it didn’t get enough hype fast enough. This year, they and I are pulling out all the stops. For donating just one can of food (but you better bring a dozen you louse!) you get to be corpsified, and then moan and drag your dead-self to the Newhall Park’s version of Frightfest. I mean what’s not to love?



November 13th, 2010 Thanksweenie

Oh yeah, five years running, the greatest made up but really real holiday returns. As usual, seating is limited so start impressing (SEE:Bribe) for a spot at this delicious banquet of food. Rumor has it that they’re will either be a an arts and craft masquerade project and/or a jumper. Did I mention the Turducken?

Damn straight.


December 10th, 2010 Birthday She BANG!

So I’m trying to decide what to do for this year’s birthday. I already have next years set for the lucky other 11 that decide to join me, (can we say renting a blimp?) so I’m not sure yet what to do. I don’t know what kind of a budget I’ll be on, but I’m still hovering towards the idea of renting Landshark (not the beer) or renting out The Pearl motel in San Diego and having a soiree. Notice I said soiree and not party because when you do something that classy, party just doesn’t fit the mold.

Oh and TRON: Legacy comes out.

Add Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas to it and it kind of makes me feel all gooey inside.

Gross.