The Most Important Questions

While watching the Superbowl last weekend I watched as Google pretty much told everyone that their software could make you fall in love and make it work no matter the odds and ends. All I'm going to say is suck on that one eHarmony and Match.com.

But after watching all the searching this love-sick frog-eating puppy was, I got to thinking about what people tend to ask in general.After asking the basic primers of all questions (who what when where why and how) I dove in listing not only the most popular questions, but the most interesting queries as well. I even got all sleuthed out and asked the elusive "will.'

Who?

Who is?

At first, I got angry with this one because I thought it was too generic. Turns out Who Is Inc. is the equivalent of the Internet's archive database for telling people who owns what website and for how long. Remember, big brother is watching.

Who invented the Internet?

I love the tie-in between the two. I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that the entire universe doesn't already know that Al Gore invented this between creating urinals and discovering global warming.

What?

What does my name mean?

I get this one. Everyone is looking for their place in the world and knowing the history of how you exist is just one more piece in confirming this.

What time is it?

This might be the stupidest question of them all. It took anybody who asked this question longer to open the browser and type the question then to look to the right corner and figure it out. These are the kinds of people who don't belong on the road.

When in Rome(?)

I love the cliché line, but despise the fact that it’s due in part to a cheesy movie. Don’t see the movie and let’s move on.

When will I die?

As if asking Google is going to tell you this? I could understand if maybe you were asking a computer with a personality (SEE: Space Odysessy:2001) , but Google is not going to be able to answer this one for you…. yet. Once they get Cylons/Terminators/Short Circuits up and running, it’s anyone’s game (or is that what Honda is working on?) I kind of wish that when you clicked on the link it would just come up with a blank white page that read “EVENTUALLY.” Talk about nailing it.

Where?

Where the wild things are?

OK, movies still? Come on people, let’s start asking some more important questions like, “Where is the fountain of youth?” That way, you can avoid that whole when will you die thing. People are such amateurs when it comes to googling.

Where is chuck Norris?

Second best question asked here today. Frankly this is a question everyone should replace What Would Jesus Do? And it shouldn’t be What Would Chuck Norris Do? Because you already know that. It needs to be Where is Chuck Norris so you know if you can get away with it. Seriously, strap a GPS ankle bracelet to the Texas ranger so you can always see the roundhouse kicks coming.

Why?

Why do men have nipples?

This was a really good question because it baffled even me. It turns out that all humans are initially born female and that only the best of the best make it all the way through the conversion into manhood. The nipples just become a useless bi-product like the appendix. That is, unless you’re into the whole piercing thing. Then it becomes bling central for melting the ladies’ hearts.

Why can’t I own a Canadian?*

Hands down, this is the best question, not just among this blog, but in the entire world. It get’s even better when you learn that it is a farcical letter hammering Biblical literalists for their support against homosexuality. My jaw hurts from smiling and laughing.

*Note: It’s a shame that the Canadian comment was so epic because there were some serious contenders in there about fecal matter shape and color.

How?

How to tie a tie?

This might be the most important question a man could ever ask after learning about the birds and bees. The only other must is learning to drive a stick shift, but I don't see Google helping much in that category.

How to get pregnant?

This might be the scariest question any unmarried man could ever chance upon. This makes me think women are out there trying to cast out the anchors if you get my drift. This question is so intimidating that it makes me want to warn all the men out there to not learn how to tie a tie because that will lead to fancy dates and then impregnation. Then again, you might need to learn how to tie a tie after you do get her pregnant to find a fancier job to support the new addition. 50/50 either.

Will?

Will Smith?


What can I say, he’s the Fresh Prince. People kind of want to know where he’s been since that. I kind of want to modify this question in the lines of, “Will Will Smith lose all credibility after destroying Karate Kid just so he could put his kid in a film?”

Yes, yes he will.

Will the world end in 2012?

That’s a tough one. Nostradamus AND John Cusack both say it will and that’s a more powerful force than the combined efforts of every black cop/white cop team up known to cinema. I even counted Danny Glover TWICE. Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. People said Y2K was the end all be all, and I even heard about some Revelations damnation that should have Raptured us by now. I’m banking on the world either going Mad Max around 2030, or some meteor is going to call game over in the next 10 years right before we can develop anti-meteor lasers.

So there you have it.
I was a bit disappointed “where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” wasn’t up there. Heck, that whole meaning of life thing wasn't even up there. I guess people don’t know what they’re missing.

Until next time.

Go volunteer so you can get your free Disneyland ticket! (Google it.) :)