Have you ever heard of the Kogi BBQ Roach Coach?
I hadn’t until recently, but apparently there is a HUGE following. They have a website listing exact times and locations and people Twitter up-to-date GPS locations of the vehicles. You could say they’ve become something of an Urban Legend, or Ahab’s Moby Dick. They exist, but you have to be in the right place at the right time or you miss out.
Sadly, the first time I found out they were in my neck of the woods, I didn’t get to partake. Last night, luckily enough, not a block from my job, I saw a bunch of people hovering around this roach coach parked on the street.
There was nothing fancy about it. No bells or whistles. It had graffiti on the side that I couldn't make out in the dark. The only hint was just a lot of people wanting to eat some deliciousness. And you know what? The instant I saw it, I KNEW. So I made Roslyn turn the car around and go wait 20 minutes in the rain for some tacos.
You know what? I’d do it all over again, but next time wait 40 minutes if need be.
It’s funny too because it wasn’t the tacos that made me want to be there. I mean don’t get me wrong, they were AMAZING, but it’s the thought of being a part of something bigger that really got me turned on to the idea of needing to eat these tacos. It’s like they validated me in some way.
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe a lot of people get where I’m coming from. Either way, anytime I find out one of those trucks is near me, that becomes Priority number one for me.
In transition from tacos to games, after having some Del Taco the other day, I discovered that the new Star Trek Online (STO) MMO has been out for a while now. I’m really conflicted because the first two games I ever played (sorry guys, but it wasn’t Halo or even Counter-Strike), were Star Trek: Star Flee Command and Mechwarrior.
I still have both games and if booted up could get lost in them for a few hours. The sad part is I just don’t have time to give to an MMO anymore and that sucks because STO looks like everything we had hoped SFC would have been… when I was 14. I really don’t get how people can dump hours into maintaining a character in a game and still function normally in society. Maybe that’s why my step-dad is the way he is.
How do you guys do it? Is unemployment paying for your Azeroth slaying Orcs?
Plus, I get sheepish buying a game that you have to pay monthly to play. To me, if I end up paying and not playing, I’ll get frazzled. However, if I don’t play, I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time in the first place. It’s vicious circle.
Really I don’t even see how MMO’s can afford to compete against each other. If gamers have to pay regular fees to participate, they can’t just go “try” another game because that means another month of subscription. All the monies start to add up.
I remember trying Earth and Beyond and got angry when they went belly up. All my hard work for nothing. The same thing happened with Hellgate: London.
I guess PC gaming is kind of dead in that route unless your either Final Fantasy or World of Warcraft. Are games like Ultima, Asheron’s Call, and Everquest even still around?
I don’t know, but I think I’ll wait until the new Mechwarrior is out, or maybe try out Exteel. As if I have time to play games as it is. I hope STO makes it, but I don’t even have a PC ready enough to tackle those behemoths these days.
I’d trade game responsibilities over real life responsibilities any day. Just get me that sexual machine from Demolition Man and I think we’re good to go.
Catch you all on the flip side.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Zoom Zoom
Before I begin today’s rant I just wanted to point out some bulletin items that need to get addressed but have no real consistency with what I intended to talk about.
1. Woot.com is in the middle of a Woot-Off. If you don’t know what that is, look it up and quick. These things don’t last that long.
2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious. (This was probably a given.)
3. Go buy Halo Legends on DVD/Blu-Ray. If you can’t afford it, get chummy with someone who does have it.
4. Don’t mess with 67-year-old men on a bus.
5. If you’re looking for a job. Go to www.glassdoor.com before you ever interview. VALUABLE INFORMATION!
6. My favorite author sent me another copy of one of his books signed! Woohoo!
7. I hope all of you went and set up volunteer time for free Disneyland.
So lately I’ve been working tons. I mean we’re talking 28 hours in two days kind of tons. Were talking so many tons here that it puts professional sumo wrestling in our lightweight feather boxing division by comparison.
Hopefully, the sacrifice was worth it. Now that I’ve busted my hump to fix my store, it’s smooth sailing for as long as I’m there.
I finally returned my rental car today. It was a hefty total, but I figure it beats taking the bus (SEE: 67-YEAR-OLD MAN). I’m still waiting/hoping/praying that my bio-dad helps me out on this front as he kind of took the reigns out of my hand and promised me results. So far, I haven’t seen an inch of effort put into this, but I’ll give him one more week before I open up the auto trader and close my eyes and pick something with 4 wheels. I’m that desperate.
On the upside, I’ve been driving a lot of cars lately to get a feel for what I want. The cool thing about that is that I get to see all the new gadgets and gizmos that people come up with. From MPG pedal displacement to his and her atmospheric controls, I’ve been a little surprised at some of the things car manufacturers have conjured up in the last 5 years. For example, I really didn’t know that nowadays, dealers try and fake a car’s appearance by using those ugly solid black wheels and then bolting a fancy plastic cover over them. Who knew? I certainly didn’t.
The common new “it” feature? The iPod dock/port. While no car except BMW has a physical place to put your iPod into, every car has a cable or a navigation system so you can rock out to High School Musical like it’s no one’s business. It makes me feel way behind the times with my little FM receiver.
Now I guess we just have to see if they integrate the new iPad with the 2011 models. (Is anyone even interested in buying the oversized, can do everything but make calls, iPhone?)
I’ve driven everything within my price range and I’m kind of sold on the Nissan Altima. I really liked some of the VWs as well, but their size really isn’t my forte. I didn’t really test drive Toyota given the current circumstances, but I bet you American automakers are breathing a little easier knowing that consumer’s trusts have been shaken. Talk about getting cut a break at the best possible time.
People keep asking me if I could pick any car, what would it be? I get a little disappointed that people don’t realize it would be a Delorean. I mean come on, how else am I going to race in the Cannonball Run?
But when they ask me seriously and still don’t like the Delorean answer, I tell them a Jeep Wrangler. I really miss having my jeep. Sadly, it’s just not something that suits what I need right now.
That’s kind of the problem with America and where we are. Sure the economy is bad right now. Sure, we’re moving towards Socialism at break-neck speeds. Sure, Obama jumped the shark trying to propose universal healthcare. But really, when it comes down to it? The people who are weathering the storm best are the ones that never operated outside their financial confines. All these people with too large of a home, or six power toys who don’t like having to tighten the belt and pull up the boot-straps are the loudest complainers.
I guess we really bring things on ourselves.
Anyways, I need to go slave away. I’ll talk more about CVS soon I promise. There was something someone told me once and I want to share it kind of as a hint of what I’m going through.
Never live to work. Work to live.
1. Woot.com is in the middle of a Woot-Off. If you don’t know what that is, look it up and quick. These things don’t last that long.
2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious. (This was probably a given.)
3. Go buy Halo Legends on DVD/Blu-Ray. If you can’t afford it, get chummy with someone who does have it.
4. Don’t mess with 67-year-old men on a bus.
5. If you’re looking for a job. Go to www.glassdoor.com before you ever interview. VALUABLE INFORMATION!
6. My favorite author sent me another copy of one of his books signed! Woohoo!
7. I hope all of you went and set up volunteer time for free Disneyland.
So lately I’ve been working tons. I mean we’re talking 28 hours in two days kind of tons. Were talking so many tons here that it puts professional sumo wrestling in our lightweight feather boxing division by comparison.
Hopefully, the sacrifice was worth it. Now that I’ve busted my hump to fix my store, it’s smooth sailing for as long as I’m there.
I finally returned my rental car today. It was a hefty total, but I figure it beats taking the bus (SEE: 67-YEAR-OLD MAN). I’m still waiting/hoping/praying that my bio-dad helps me out on this front as he kind of took the reigns out of my hand and promised me results. So far, I haven’t seen an inch of effort put into this, but I’ll give him one more week before I open up the auto trader and close my eyes and pick something with 4 wheels. I’m that desperate.
On the upside, I’ve been driving a lot of cars lately to get a feel for what I want. The cool thing about that is that I get to see all the new gadgets and gizmos that people come up with. From MPG pedal displacement to his and her atmospheric controls, I’ve been a little surprised at some of the things car manufacturers have conjured up in the last 5 years. For example, I really didn’t know that nowadays, dealers try and fake a car’s appearance by using those ugly solid black wheels and then bolting a fancy plastic cover over them. Who knew? I certainly didn’t.
The common new “it” feature? The iPod dock/port. While no car except BMW has a physical place to put your iPod into, every car has a cable or a navigation system so you can rock out to High School Musical like it’s no one’s business. It makes me feel way behind the times with my little FM receiver.
Now I guess we just have to see if they integrate the new iPad with the 2011 models. (Is anyone even interested in buying the oversized, can do everything but make calls, iPhone?)
I’ve driven everything within my price range and I’m kind of sold on the Nissan Altima. I really liked some of the VWs as well, but their size really isn’t my forte. I didn’t really test drive Toyota given the current circumstances, but I bet you American automakers are breathing a little easier knowing that consumer’s trusts have been shaken. Talk about getting cut a break at the best possible time.
People keep asking me if I could pick any car, what would it be? I get a little disappointed that people don’t realize it would be a Delorean. I mean come on, how else am I going to race in the Cannonball Run?
But when they ask me seriously and still don’t like the Delorean answer, I tell them a Jeep Wrangler. I really miss having my jeep. Sadly, it’s just not something that suits what I need right now.
That’s kind of the problem with America and where we are. Sure the economy is bad right now. Sure, we’re moving towards Socialism at break-neck speeds. Sure, Obama jumped the shark trying to propose universal healthcare. But really, when it comes down to it? The people who are weathering the storm best are the ones that never operated outside their financial confines. All these people with too large of a home, or six power toys who don’t like having to tighten the belt and pull up the boot-straps are the loudest complainers.
I guess we really bring things on ourselves.
Anyways, I need to go slave away. I’ll talk more about CVS soon I promise. There was something someone told me once and I want to share it kind of as a hint of what I’m going through.
Never live to work. Work to live.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Most Important Questions
While watching the Superbowl last weekend I watched as Google pretty much told everyone that their software could make you fall in love and make it work no matter the odds and ends. All I'm going to say is suck on that one eHarmony and Match.com.
But after watching all the searching this love-sick frog-eating puppy was, I got to thinking about what people tend to ask in general.After asking the basic primers of all questions (who what when where why and how) I dove in listing not only the most popular questions, but the most interesting queries as well. I even got all sleuthed out and asked the elusive "will.'
Who?
Who is?
At first, I got angry with this one because I thought it was too generic. Turns out Who Is Inc. is the equivalent of the Internet's archive database for telling people who owns what website and for how long. Remember, big brother is watching.
Who invented the Internet?
I love the tie-in between the two. I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that the entire universe doesn't already know that Al Gore invented this between creating urinals and discovering global warming.
What?
What does my name mean?
I get this one. Everyone is looking for their place in the world and knowing the history of how you exist is just one more piece in confirming this.
What time is it?
This might be the stupidest question of them all. It took anybody who asked this question longer to open the browser and type the question then to look to the right corner and figure it out. These are the kinds of people who don't belong on the road.
When in Rome(?)
I love the cliché line, but despise the fact that it’s due in part to a cheesy movie. Don’t see the movie and let’s move on.
When will I die?
As if asking Google is going to tell you this? I could understand if maybe you were asking a computer with a personality (SEE: Space Odysessy:2001) , but Google is not going to be able to answer this one for you…. yet. Once they get Cylons/Terminators/Short Circuits up and running, it’s anyone’s game (or is that what Honda is working on?) I kind of wish that when you clicked on the link it would just come up with a blank white page that read “EVENTUALLY.” Talk about nailing it.
Where?
Where the wild things are?
OK, movies still? Come on people, let’s start asking some more important questions like, “Where is the fountain of youth?” That way, you can avoid that whole when will you die thing. People are such amateurs when it comes to googling.
Where is chuck Norris?
Second best question asked here today. Frankly this is a question everyone should replace What Would Jesus Do? And it shouldn’t be What Would Chuck Norris Do? Because you already know that. It needs to be Where is Chuck Norris so you know if you can get away with it. Seriously, strap a GPS ankle bracelet to the Texas ranger so you can always see the roundhouse kicks coming.
Why?
Why do men have nipples?
This was a really good question because it baffled even me. It turns out that all humans are initially born female and that only the best of the best make it all the way through the conversion into manhood. The nipples just become a useless bi-product like the appendix. That is, unless you’re into the whole piercing thing. Then it becomes bling central for melting the ladies’ hearts.
Why can’t I own a Canadian?*
Hands down, this is the best question, not just among this blog, but in the entire world. It get’s even better when you learn that it is a farcical letter hammering Biblical literalists for their support against homosexuality. My jaw hurts from smiling and laughing.
*Note: It’s a shame that the Canadian comment was so epic because there were some serious contenders in there about fecal matter shape and color.
How?
How to tie a tie?
This might be the most important question a man could ever ask after learning about the birds and bees. The only other must is learning to drive a stick shift, but I don't see Google helping much in that category.
How to get pregnant?
This might be the scariest question any unmarried man could ever chance upon. This makes me think women are out there trying to cast out the anchors if you get my drift. This question is so intimidating that it makes me want to warn all the men out there to not learn how to tie a tie because that will lead to fancy dates and then impregnation. Then again, you might need to learn how to tie a tie after you do get her pregnant to find a fancier job to support the new addition. 50/50 either.
Will?
Will Smith?
What can I say, he’s the Fresh Prince. People kind of want to know where he’s been since that. I kind of want to modify this question in the lines of, “Will Will Smith lose all credibility after destroying Karate Kid just so he could put his kid in a film?”
Yes, yes he will.
Will the world end in 2012?
That’s a tough one. Nostradamus AND John Cusack both say it will and that’s a more powerful force than the combined efforts of every black cop/white cop team up known to cinema. I even counted Danny Glover TWICE. Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. People said Y2K was the end all be all, and I even heard about some Revelations damnation that should have Raptured us by now. I’m banking on the world either going Mad Max around 2030, or some meteor is going to call game over in the next 10 years right before we can develop anti-meteor lasers.
So there you have it.
I was a bit disappointed “where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” wasn’t up there. Heck, that whole meaning of life thing wasn't even up there. I guess people don’t know what they’re missing.
Until next time.
Go volunteer so you can get your free Disneyland ticket! (Google it.) :)
But after watching all the searching this love-sick frog-eating puppy was, I got to thinking about what people tend to ask in general.After asking the basic primers of all questions (who what when where why and how) I dove in listing not only the most popular questions, but the most interesting queries as well. I even got all sleuthed out and asked the elusive "will.'
Who?
Who is?
At first, I got angry with this one because I thought it was too generic. Turns out Who Is Inc. is the equivalent of the Internet's archive database for telling people who owns what website and for how long. Remember, big brother is watching.
Who invented the Internet?
I love the tie-in between the two. I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that the entire universe doesn't already know that Al Gore invented this between creating urinals and discovering global warming.
What?
What does my name mean?
I get this one. Everyone is looking for their place in the world and knowing the history of how you exist is just one more piece in confirming this.
What time is it?
This might be the stupidest question of them all. It took anybody who asked this question longer to open the browser and type the question then to look to the right corner and figure it out. These are the kinds of people who don't belong on the road.
When in Rome(?)
I love the cliché line, but despise the fact that it’s due in part to a cheesy movie. Don’t see the movie and let’s move on.
When will I die?
As if asking Google is going to tell you this? I could understand if maybe you were asking a computer with a personality (SEE: Space Odysessy:2001) , but Google is not going to be able to answer this one for you…. yet. Once they get Cylons/Terminators/Short Circuits up and running, it’s anyone’s game (or is that what Honda is working on?) I kind of wish that when you clicked on the link it would just come up with a blank white page that read “EVENTUALLY.” Talk about nailing it.
Where?
Where the wild things are?
OK, movies still? Come on people, let’s start asking some more important questions like, “Where is the fountain of youth?” That way, you can avoid that whole when will you die thing. People are such amateurs when it comes to googling.
Where is chuck Norris?
Second best question asked here today. Frankly this is a question everyone should replace What Would Jesus Do? And it shouldn’t be What Would Chuck Norris Do? Because you already know that. It needs to be Where is Chuck Norris so you know if you can get away with it. Seriously, strap a GPS ankle bracelet to the Texas ranger so you can always see the roundhouse kicks coming.
Why?
Why do men have nipples?
This was a really good question because it baffled even me. It turns out that all humans are initially born female and that only the best of the best make it all the way through the conversion into manhood. The nipples just become a useless bi-product like the appendix. That is, unless you’re into the whole piercing thing. Then it becomes bling central for melting the ladies’ hearts.
Why can’t I own a Canadian?*
Hands down, this is the best question, not just among this blog, but in the entire world. It get’s even better when you learn that it is a farcical letter hammering Biblical literalists for their support against homosexuality. My jaw hurts from smiling and laughing.
*Note: It’s a shame that the Canadian comment was so epic because there were some serious contenders in there about fecal matter shape and color.
How?
How to tie a tie?
This might be the most important question a man could ever ask after learning about the birds and bees. The only other must is learning to drive a stick shift, but I don't see Google helping much in that category.
How to get pregnant?
This might be the scariest question any unmarried man could ever chance upon. This makes me think women are out there trying to cast out the anchors if you get my drift. This question is so intimidating that it makes me want to warn all the men out there to not learn how to tie a tie because that will lead to fancy dates and then impregnation. Then again, you might need to learn how to tie a tie after you do get her pregnant to find a fancier job to support the new addition. 50/50 either.
Will?
Will Smith?
What can I say, he’s the Fresh Prince. People kind of want to know where he’s been since that. I kind of want to modify this question in the lines of, “Will Will Smith lose all credibility after destroying Karate Kid just so he could put his kid in a film?”
Yes, yes he will.
Will the world end in 2012?
That’s a tough one. Nostradamus AND John Cusack both say it will and that’s a more powerful force than the combined efforts of every black cop/white cop team up known to cinema. I even counted Danny Glover TWICE. Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. People said Y2K was the end all be all, and I even heard about some Revelations damnation that should have Raptured us by now. I’m banking on the world either going Mad Max around 2030, or some meteor is going to call game over in the next 10 years right before we can develop anti-meteor lasers.
So there you have it.
I was a bit disappointed “where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” wasn’t up there. Heck, that whole meaning of life thing wasn't even up there. I guess people don’t know what they’re missing.
Until next time.
Go volunteer so you can get your free Disneyland ticket! (Google it.) :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Just Another Manic Monday.
Today’s blog is brought to you by the word IRONY.
It’s funny how sometimes I get it right.
Valentine’s Day was yesterday and hopefully you stumbled across THE GREATEST CARDS EVER in time. If you didn’t, well there’s always next year.
Right now, I’m dead tired. I spent my evening romancing four men as we rebuilt the seasonal section at my new store. The short story is I got screwed into working a graveyard shift on Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, I’ve been meaning to write what my new job is like, and I promise it’s coming! (SEE: HELL) Either way, I’ve been up for over 24 hours and my body isn’t really feeling it because last time I pulled this stunt, I at least gave it a free Grand Slam.
To top it off, I’m a little peeved because I tried to mail a bill this morning at one of those mom and pop postage shops. When I asked for a stamp, he told me they were out! (SEE: ULTIMATE FAIL) How do you run out of what the core of your business is? That’s like Starbucks being out of coffee. Come on man. The guy looked completely helpless too, like the kind of poor unfortunate soul who can’t pass the DMV driving test after the fourteenth time. Am I the only one who thinks if you fail after three strikes you lose your license for a decade?
While browsing the web, I discovered a few things.
1. Heidi Montag is our new Michael Jackson.
2. TeeFury is having a $5 dollar random sale, so get on that.
3. I really wish I was a little more artistic.
How It Should Have Ended or HISHE.com (SEE: EBONICS) as it is more commonly called is offering a $1,000 dollar prize to the most original revamp of either Wolverine, Taken, or New Moon. The sad part is I KNOW I could come up with a serious contender if I could only draw worth a hill of beans. I really need to become BFF with someone who knows how to use a pencil for more than just air drum solos. So here’s my wanted ad:
WANTED: Cartoonist/Artist/Drawer/Notebook Doodler who is seeking to become the Jack Kirby to my Stan Lee. We’ll be best buds and give each other spicy high-fives all the time. Serious applications only please.
In the meantime I think I’m going to try and draw a stick figure comic strip of what my brilliance is trying so desperately to animate out.
Other then that, I’ve just spent the day wondering why people want to read celebrities biographies when there are so many more entertaining stories out there in the world. Check out the band below, they’ll be playing at Coachella this year and they are awesome.
P.S. Sorry for all the hyperlinks, I tend to get a little carried away.
It’s funny how sometimes I get it right.
Valentine’s Day was yesterday and hopefully you stumbled across THE GREATEST CARDS EVER in time. If you didn’t, well there’s always next year.
Right now, I’m dead tired. I spent my evening romancing four men as we rebuilt the seasonal section at my new store. The short story is I got screwed into working a graveyard shift on Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, I’ve been meaning to write what my new job is like, and I promise it’s coming! (SEE: HELL) Either way, I’ve been up for over 24 hours and my body isn’t really feeling it because last time I pulled this stunt, I at least gave it a free Grand Slam.
To top it off, I’m a little peeved because I tried to mail a bill this morning at one of those mom and pop postage shops. When I asked for a stamp, he told me they were out! (SEE: ULTIMATE FAIL) How do you run out of what the core of your business is? That’s like Starbucks being out of coffee. Come on man. The guy looked completely helpless too, like the kind of poor unfortunate soul who can’t pass the DMV driving test after the fourteenth time. Am I the only one who thinks if you fail after three strikes you lose your license for a decade?
While browsing the web, I discovered a few things.
1. Heidi Montag is our new Michael Jackson.
2. TeeFury is having a $5 dollar random sale, so get on that.
3. I really wish I was a little more artistic.
How It Should Have Ended or HISHE.com (SEE: EBONICS) as it is more commonly called is offering a $1,000 dollar prize to the most original revamp of either Wolverine, Taken, or New Moon. The sad part is I KNOW I could come up with a serious contender if I could only draw worth a hill of beans. I really need to become BFF with someone who knows how to use a pencil for more than just air drum solos. So here’s my wanted ad:
WANTED: Cartoonist/Artist/Drawer/Notebook Doodler who is seeking to become the Jack Kirby to my Stan Lee. We’ll be best buds and give each other spicy high-fives all the time. Serious applications only please.
In the meantime I think I’m going to try and draw a stick figure comic strip of what my brilliance is trying so desperately to animate out.
Other then that, I’ve just spent the day wondering why people want to read celebrities biographies when there are so many more entertaining stories out there in the world. Check out the band below, they’ll be playing at Coachella this year and they are awesome.
P.S. Sorry for all the hyperlinks, I tend to get a little carried away.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Cheap Love.
Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is a sucker’s holiday that was created by companies to hit you in your wallet and not your heart. If you are doing things right with your special someone, you shouldn’t need some day to reinforce it. If you’re banking on Valentine’s Day to make amends for all your past sins of the year, you’re just trying to bail out water on a sinking ship.
Valentine’s Day is a ruse my friends.
To make matters worse, the failed economy is already hurting brothers left and right making it almost impossible to be able to come out of it unscathed. So I’ve decided to help out by offering some advice on cheap ways to get around some Valentine traditions.
Getting a girl flowers.
This one is easy and you have a couple different options. Either grab some scissors and start cutting some neighbors flowers (especially the ones you don’t like!). Don’t hurt your own garden, that’s just silly. Doing this will allow you to create your own beautiful bouquet that tells her she’s the only one for you. I advise doing this one the night before.
Your other option is to visit the local cemetery/graveyard. There are some pros and cons to this move as you will already have a created bouquet eliminating some preparation steps, the downside being that it’s generally considered a rude thing to do and there is a 50/50 chance you could get stalked by a pissed off spirit for the rest of your life. Either way, the choice is on you.
The Card
In an age full of creativity and independence, nothing says that and sticking it to the man like creating your own card. Remember fellas, the art work doesn’t have to be up to Van Gogh or Dali status. As long as you can draw a sun or heart it's pretty much a done deal. Get inspirational and tell her you had kids at your local outreach program draw it for you. Either way, it’s the words that convey your message is what matters to her. Don’t forget the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” and it’s a fool proof plan.
OR if you’re a veteran of the V-Day routine, recycle a card. As long as it was generic and no one left a name you’re good to go! If she asks why it is written in such a different hand-writing style, tell her you took your time just for her.
Smelling Good.
One thing the ladies like are the little details. On this particular day make sure your well groomed and smelling like a rose. If you’re in a funk (literally) stop by your local drugstore and test a few deodorants (you can’t even tell if the aresol kind are open or not.) Ask a lady to spritz you with a nice cologne and be on your way. NOTE: Make sure you do this on your way to pick her up as you want to be in your olfactory prime for her. DON’T get smelly while she’s with you as this is considered tacky.
The Sweet Stuff
If you were smart, you thought ahead and bought Halloween or Christmas candy at insanely discounted prices. If you did, simply open the candies (leaving them in their bite-sized wrappers doesn’t really work) and leave them on a heart shaped cut-out piece of paper.
If you didn’t think ahead and don’t want to steal, the only other thing I can think of is loading up on the free peppermints they give out at resturaunts and lollipops they offer at banks and doctor’s offices. However, most girls will probably see right through this unless they really really like peppermint. (NOTE: It was suggested that fortune cookies are an alternative, but one bad fortune could turn your V-Day into D-Day if you get my drift. Women are more susceptible to signs during this time.)
Location, Location, Location,
This one is easy because it doesn’t really take a lot to be romantic. What it really takes is serenity and a bit of privacy which are what public park benches have been offering to homeless people for years. Find one with a view and you are set. The trick is to tie in similarities or the history of your relationship and you are golden. If a woman can see metaphors, she’s yours.
If you want to plan it out, get a blanket and pack a lunch/dinner. You can do this easily by raiding Costco’s free sample days this weekend first. Nothing says I love you like samples of Mush-yu Pork, Trail-Mix deluxe, and a random assortment of cheese. Just remember, don’t hog the samples or you might get kicked out prematurely. Peruse the aisles and rotate the stations to maximize your sampler tray.
Really, in the end, if the girl is legit, she won’t care what you have planned as long as you show that you have plans. Most down to earth women realize they just want to be thought upon and not doted upon. The pampering is just an added bonus. So don’t get the dates mixed up(remember it's tomorrow the 14th everyone!) and everything should work out just fine!
GOOD LUCK!
Valentine’s Day is a ruse my friends.
To make matters worse, the failed economy is already hurting brothers left and right making it almost impossible to be able to come out of it unscathed. So I’ve decided to help out by offering some advice on cheap ways to get around some Valentine traditions.
Getting a girl flowers.
This one is easy and you have a couple different options. Either grab some scissors and start cutting some neighbors flowers (especially the ones you don’t like!). Don’t hurt your own garden, that’s just silly. Doing this will allow you to create your own beautiful bouquet that tells her she’s the only one for you. I advise doing this one the night before.
Your other option is to visit the local cemetery/graveyard. There are some pros and cons to this move as you will already have a created bouquet eliminating some preparation steps, the downside being that it’s generally considered a rude thing to do and there is a 50/50 chance you could get stalked by a pissed off spirit for the rest of your life. Either way, the choice is on you.
The Card
In an age full of creativity and independence, nothing says that and sticking it to the man like creating your own card. Remember fellas, the art work doesn’t have to be up to Van Gogh or Dali status. As long as you can draw a sun or heart it's pretty much a done deal. Get inspirational and tell her you had kids at your local outreach program draw it for you. Either way, it’s the words that convey your message is what matters to her. Don’t forget the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” and it’s a fool proof plan.
OR if you’re a veteran of the V-Day routine, recycle a card. As long as it was generic and no one left a name you’re good to go! If she asks why it is written in such a different hand-writing style, tell her you took your time just for her.
Smelling Good.
One thing the ladies like are the little details. On this particular day make sure your well groomed and smelling like a rose. If you’re in a funk (literally) stop by your local drugstore and test a few deodorants (you can’t even tell if the aresol kind are open or not.) Ask a lady to spritz you with a nice cologne and be on your way. NOTE: Make sure you do this on your way to pick her up as you want to be in your olfactory prime for her. DON’T get smelly while she’s with you as this is considered tacky.
The Sweet Stuff
If you were smart, you thought ahead and bought Halloween or Christmas candy at insanely discounted prices. If you did, simply open the candies (leaving them in their bite-sized wrappers doesn’t really work) and leave them on a heart shaped cut-out piece of paper.
If you didn’t think ahead and don’t want to steal, the only other thing I can think of is loading up on the free peppermints they give out at resturaunts and lollipops they offer at banks and doctor’s offices. However, most girls will probably see right through this unless they really really like peppermint. (NOTE: It was suggested that fortune cookies are an alternative, but one bad fortune could turn your V-Day into D-Day if you get my drift. Women are more susceptible to signs during this time.)
Location, Location, Location,
This one is easy because it doesn’t really take a lot to be romantic. What it really takes is serenity and a bit of privacy which are what public park benches have been offering to homeless people for years. Find one with a view and you are set. The trick is to tie in similarities or the history of your relationship and you are golden. If a woman can see metaphors, she’s yours.
If you want to plan it out, get a blanket and pack a lunch/dinner. You can do this easily by raiding Costco’s free sample days this weekend first. Nothing says I love you like samples of Mush-yu Pork, Trail-Mix deluxe, and a random assortment of cheese. Just remember, don’t hog the samples or you might get kicked out prematurely. Peruse the aisles and rotate the stations to maximize your sampler tray.
Really, in the end, if the girl is legit, she won’t care what you have planned as long as you show that you have plans. Most down to earth women realize they just want to be thought upon and not doted upon. The pampering is just an added bonus. So don’t get the dates mixed up(remember it's tomorrow the 14th everyone!) and everything should work out just fine!
GOOD LUCK!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
New Years Resolutions
Why do people always make these ludicrous assumptions about what they are going to accomplish in a year? If you ask me, setting the bar so high always results in horrible disappointment.
Quitting smoking, losing weight, promising to stop listening to catchy music that you’ll likely find on NOW music CDs, sounds like a laudable goal. However, these are things that if you find issue with, should just be changed at the here and now, and not as something to remind yourself to attach a year to as a target.
My goals? My goals are simple.
Draw and Stuff. I want to fill up my brand new art book by the end of year with doodles, comics and drawings. How easy is that? Not only that, but it’s something FUN that I can actually look forward too. Maybe if I get brave enough I'll share my kindergarten-level artistic ability with you. Oh and the reason stuff is there is to keep the rest of it pretty vague.
Practice yoga. This isn’t for any health nut weight loss business. I just would like to be a little more flexible from time to time. Plus yoga is good for the whole meditation business. If you notice, I didn’t put a set amount on this resolution. That means if I only go one time, mission accomplished.
Learn Spanish. This one I consider the toughest, but I get insanely jealous of bi-lingual people and incredibly paranoid that whenever a conversation is going on around me it’s probably about me. (I mean why else would you switch languages if you see me standing right there?) I want to learn it so I can go “locos rojos” when I catch people dissing me.
So yeah, my resolutions are short and sweet and actually accomplishable. I considered adding winning the lottery to my list, but seeing how I really wouldn’t have any control over that other than blowing lots of money trying, I decided against it.
What are all of your guys’ resolutions?
P.S. Yes I know this is a little past date, but I have catching up to do!
Quitting smoking, losing weight, promising to stop listening to catchy music that you’ll likely find on NOW music CDs, sounds like a laudable goal. However, these are things that if you find issue with, should just be changed at the here and now, and not as something to remind yourself to attach a year to as a target.
My goals? My goals are simple.
Draw and Stuff. I want to fill up my brand new art book by the end of year with doodles, comics and drawings. How easy is that? Not only that, but it’s something FUN that I can actually look forward too. Maybe if I get brave enough I'll share my kindergarten-level artistic ability with you. Oh and the reason stuff is there is to keep the rest of it pretty vague.
Practice yoga. This isn’t for any health nut weight loss business. I just would like to be a little more flexible from time to time. Plus yoga is good for the whole meditation business. If you notice, I didn’t put a set amount on this resolution. That means if I only go one time, mission accomplished.
Learn Spanish. This one I consider the toughest, but I get insanely jealous of bi-lingual people and incredibly paranoid that whenever a conversation is going on around me it’s probably about me. (I mean why else would you switch languages if you see me standing right there?) I want to learn it so I can go “locos rojos” when I catch people dissing me.
So yeah, my resolutions are short and sweet and actually accomplishable. I considered adding winning the lottery to my list, but seeing how I really wouldn’t have any control over that other than blowing lots of money trying, I decided against it.
What are all of your guys’ resolutions?
P.S. Yes I know this is a little past date, but I have catching up to do!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Halo Day Part 3
I apologize for the lack of blogging in general, but to be fair, it’s not my fault.
Bill Gates apparently has a mission to irritate gingers it seems. My Halo 3 log (1 of 3 files open at the time) somehow didn’t survive the “automatic update restart.” Hence, it’s been a while since I had the opportunity to relive the magic of Halo Day. Anyways, without any further to do, I give you the conclusion of Halo Day. Enjoy.
Halo 3
December 16th, 9:22 pm,
We gear up to finish the fight. As Brice and I watch the introduction cut-scene, Brice can’t help but complain that if we can survive falling from orbit and crash-landing in a Thriller pose, we should be pretty much fucking invincible.
I on the other hand notice that Sergeant Johnson (Brice still has no clue) just keeps looking better and better with each game. Brice notices it too and mentions that they should have just used these graphics all the way through. I try to remind the R-tard that Halo came out almost ten years ago to which he retorts, “what’s your point?”
December 16th, 9:26 pm,
It really needs to be said that Halo 3 almost never happened. Upon starting the game, Brice did not like learning that he would be stuck with Covenant weapons all game since he was the permanent Arbiter. He even complained that the cloak had been replaced with a flashlight. We almost had to do a controller swap until Brice found out that the Arbiter got sticky grenades as a default. Crisis averted.
December 16th, 9:28 pm,
Cortana invades our screen talking about how it’s her time of the month or something to that degree. Brice asks if this annoying slow-down will happen again. I lie and tell him I’m pretty sure it’s just the one time.
December 16th, 9:31 pm,
It should be said now before I get too far into this that there was only thing that really let us survive the night and can be summed up in three words.
Grunt. Birthday. Skull.
December 16th, 9:34
I’ve come to realize we have our first real casualty of the night as Roslyn has become MIA. Whether she has left, gone somewhere to sleep, or fallen and can’t get up, she’s nowhere to be found. I shrug my shoulders and move on. I know she would have wanted it this way.
December 16th, 9:35 pm,
Brice and I are finishing the level up. He seems to be thinking that he’s doing all the work as he charges in. He doesn’t seem to realize my Barry Pepper sniping skills are saving him left and right.
After killing a Hammer Brute, I call Brice out where he tells me had had it covered. I can’t think in what universe a plan exists where Brice’s ass getting wedged upon that hammer isn’t a result.
December 16th, 9:40 pm,
We beat the first level to which point my friend Jessica asks if she can jump in. When Brice hears her voice he can’t differentiate whether I’m friends with a small boy or a girl. He assumes it’s a boy after jokingly commenting that girls don’t play Halo. I add in, that it’s usually not hot girls. Secretly I think he’s worried that she’ll be better than him.
Our Wolf Pack expands to three.
December 16th, 9:42 pm,
After watching the cheesiest cut-scene ever, “We’re going to war,” (really? Haven’t the UNSC been fighting for the last 20 years? Where have you been?) Jess immediate gets lost in the underground tunnels. Someone (and we won’t point fingers) makes a comparison to women’s driving skills and an awkward silence washes over the wolf pack.
December 16th, 9:43 pm,
For some reason, when Jess dropped in, the game’s setting reset and the birthday skull was deactivated. After asking whether to exit out or barrel through the rest of the level. Brice strongly insists that we restart. That’s the closest thing to a demand to ever come from him.
We politely oblige him.
December 16th, 9:44 pm,
After a quick reboot we’re back in the tunnels once more. I’m hopping over bad guys letting them get cleaned up by my team while I try to catch up on lost time. Everything was going fine until I re-discover that the checkpoint teleportation is back in play.
As Jess and Brice come out of nowhere Jess turns left instead of right. Brice and I just look at each other and tell her to find our icons on her screen. Silly girls, Halo is for men.
December 16th, 9:46 pm,
Brice gets the first death of the game which is surrounded in a lot of suspicion. As Brice fights a Jackal with an overloaded plasma shot. He suddenly got mowed down, by a chain gun under Jess’s control. Her defense? “I still thought the elites were the bad guys.”
We don’t buy it.
December 16th, 9:52 pm,
I always kind of figured that if I’m not leading the way, the only thought that should be in anyone’s mind should be: TRAP!
Apparently that’s not the case as Brice blows past me into the hornet’s nest of at least 100 drones only to die screaming “Oh shit!”
Like I said, trap.
December 16th, 9:56 pm,
Brice is still a bit peeved about Jess’s betrayal as evident by the fact that he closed the elevator hatch shut on her and left her to sit at the bottom and bored. You know, to let the men do manly things.
December 16th, 10:00 pm,
Brice stays behind going fisticuffs with jet pack Brutes while I barrel on to reactivate the bomb, that deactivated, then reactivated and then deactivated again… or something like that. Honestly, I never did pay attention to how Johnson dropped the ball on that one.
Brice and I start singing the only verse we know from "Taking Care of Business." Eventually we realize we are going a bit overboard with it and stop. A few seconds later Brice starts humming it. I tell him that counts too, but it pretty much goes on for the rest of the game.
December 16th, 10:02 pm,
We slow down for a second to watch a poor marine accomplish the ultimate face plant into a pillar.
Brice rushes into action throwing a sticky that lands on the marine being held in the air rather than the massive Brute holding him blowing everything to smithereens. I ask him if he really just did that to which he replies, “I’d like to think our methods are different, but we get the same results.”
Seriously guys, NEVER go to war with this guy.
December 16th, 10:04
Needless to say, we’ve saved everyone by blowing everything up. It’s kind of our signature style. I run for the elevator and make it while Brice and Jess die fiery deaths. I’m kind of glad for this too since Brice somehow got his hands on a fuel rod cannon and was looking to slap me with some pain.
December 16th, 10:05 pm,
I’m a little disappointed in Brice as I try to telepathically tell him to take the second warthog. But after years of “Plan A” tactics being him on my chain gun (SEE: SEXUAL INNUENDO), Jess ends up driving the other hog. Just going out the door she betrays two of our troopers.
I try and stop her senanigins, but at the last second she slips through the cracked door and I crash into it. She thinks she has the final laugh, but I’ve only begun to fight.
December 16th, 10:07 pm,
While Jess is actually trying to kill bad guys, my sole mission is to flip her… which I accomplish beautifully after sending her off a ramp crooked and causing her to flip end over end. Sucker….
December 16th, 10:10 pm,
I kind of messed up right here.
As we race down the map, we hit the part in the highway where the bridge is broken and you have to go on foot. As Jess dismounts, I tell Brice I can land it.
I rev it up and try to make the jump. I learn that whatever magic Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock had with that bus in Speed doesn’t apply here as the warthog can’t quite clear the gap and I land high center on the edge of the bridge with two wheels on and two wheels off.
I panic and hop out to which Brice screams “NOOOOOO” as he the weight shifts and the warthog flips back over and off the cliff.
My bad B.
December 16th, 10:15 pm,
We clean up some Brute nonsense and get back in conviently timed vehicle replacements. Jess takes off in a brute chopper while Brice and I jump in Betsy (aka warthog).
Now sometimes (most of the time) it’s my fault when things happen while I’m driving. But there are those rare circumstances when the powers that be decide that it’s just not the opportune time to be breathing.
As we burst into the next area, a wraith is already dropping mortar rounds on Jess as she shoots right. I decide to shoot left only to get blindsided by a brute chopper who shunts me to the side and back into the incoming mortar round.
The end result isn’t pretty as the warthog goes flipping through the air to crash into the side of a mountain dumping us out. I try to flip it backover only to watch in horror as the chopper comes back around ramming into Brice and the backend of the warthog resulting in a fiery explosion as I jump away.
Brice likes to think that in her final act of defiance, Betsy exploded sparing Brice the dishonor of a kill and robbing the Brute. I’m so flabbergasted by the chain of events that I tagalong with it and run for cover.
December 16th, 10:16 pm,
This is bad.
Brice is still dead. Jess somehow lost her chopper and is dancing with three choppers and a tank on the backside of the hill and I’ve got another wraith and two shade turrets keeping me pinned.
Geronimo here we go.
December 16th, 10:17 pm,
I love it when a plan comes together. As I pull a Matthew Broderick and Glory charge up the hill I tank over the second tank that is harassing Jess, simultaneously throwing stickies from Brice’s dead corpse and dropping a mine on the first tank. The result is a combination of explosion and jacking that just leaves Brice’s mouth hanging open.
I ram the choppers off the cliff and save the day.
December 16th, 10:18 pm,
We are at the end of the level and just have to get around the bend. I refuse to get out of the tank and proceed to turbo the barriers and begun pushing them away in a slow and meticulous process while Jess just watches with impatience. You know that scene in the original Austin Powers where he gets stuck trying to three-point turn the golf car in the narrow hallway? Yeah it’s like that.
December 16th, 10:19 pm,
Another level is tagged and bagged as we head back into the city proper. We ask Jess to open the door for our warthog to which she runs down the level killing guys while we sit like a prized stallion that didn’t get let out the gate.
She says she got caught up having too much fun.
December 16th, 10:22 pm,
Rule #7: There is one and ONLY one time that is acceptable to give up the warthog and can be displayed in the following mathematical formula:
Warthog > Rocket Goose
Seriously, those things are so much fun.
December 16th, 10:25 pm,
After doing lots of jumps and flips we finally get to kill our first Scarab. Brice is a bit hesitant to board it after his mishaps on the first one in Halo 2 so I clean shop.
December 16th, 10:37 pm,
We finish the level and blow up the giant flak cannon and watch the cut-scene only to see the Flood show up. Jess tells us she has to leave and after leaving, Brice comments that he can’t blame her for being smart. He would have left for this part too.
December 16th, 11:42 pm,
I’ve decided to skip ahead because there’s nothing that hasn’t been said before about how much crap just went down. The new pure forms are annoying as shit. Especially for Brice, who only had melee weapons and couldn’t do anything about the ones shooting him from the tops of buildings.
I will say I learned a new lesson myself. It’s not a good idea to run forward while using the flamethrower. There’s a 98% chance you will spontaneously combust.
December 16th, 11:45 pm,
It’s getting late as we start the Ark level. We’ve charged through the early sniper infiltration part and have secured a warthog. Brice can’t figure out why I’m just sitting at the edge of the cliff until Forward Unto Dawn comes screaming in. I jump out of the warthog to watch as he gets sent hurdling through the air flipping backwards multiple times until landing in a cave. His words? “Dude that was so not cool, but at the same time, it was amazing.”
December 16th, 12:01 am,
Brice and I are heading along in our own separate tanks and everything is going dandy until Brice forgets the golden rule about Halo: nothing is ever done by accident. Ignoring two little “harmless” grunts in favor of going toe to toe with the nearby Wraith, Brice learns the hard way that two grunts with fuel rods at point blank range are a worse threat than a tank with only one mortar round.
He somehow survives, but loses all the poor bastards sitting on his treads thinking they were going to be able to return home to their wives someday.
December 16th, 12:01 am,
Remember how I wrote about Brice, his tank, and deadly Grunts? Yeah he just got his tank stickied to death and is now sitting behind an energy shield praying I can save him.
Some people never learn…..
December 16th, 12:09 am,
After clearing to the backside of the building, Brice jumps in another tank while I jet around in the Guass Hog. I go Dukes of Hazzard and “land” (it was a rough translation of crash) the warthog on the Scarab and quickly blow its core. Unfortunately, Brice didn’t hear the warning klaxons of the doomed vehicle and proceeded to park his scorpion right next to it firing off shots. A Scorpion is tough, but it’s not Scarab going supernova tough.
December 16, 12:18 am,
I’m getting really tired as time seems to be blurring into one another. All I can remember is a Mauler, a Hammer, Brice tripping balls when he finds himself interrupting a Brute circle jerk, and some incendiary grenades. All in all, just a regular day in the office.
December 16th, 12:24 am,
This is the one and only time I’ll give Brice every right to bitch like a girl who just got kicked off of a Bret Michaels reality show: Spartan Laser.
Sucks to be you Brice.
December 16th, 12:28 am
Some people will argue that the laser is better than the rocket launcher. The thing is, rockets don’t have charging times. I wish someone could tell that to the marine, my dead body and blown up Mongoose.
December 16th, 12:31 am,
Whether to fatigue, general failure, or the fact that we’ve been playing Halo for over 15 hours, we owe a few of our respawns to this part in the level. For whatever reason, we just didn’t have the right stuff. Luckily things shape up after I roll the warthog into a crevice dropping us down into the hallway we need to be in. Brice calls it luck and not skill. When I ask if he’s really going to complain, he just tells me he’s so damn happy to have it.
December 16th, 12:44 am,
We get to fly hornets finally and Brice is happy as a cucumber. Meanwhile, I fall asleep and crash us into a mountain side. In retrospect, of all the vehicles to fall asleep in, I choose the worst one possible. Brice carries the way while I sit parked and determine to glitch through solid rock.
December 16th, 12:48 am,
Realizing Brice is going to catch on that I’m passing out while he’s doing all the “heavy lifting,” I get smart and jump in my vehicle as a passenger and let my AI do all the work. It’s the first time I’ve ever sat shotgun in a warthog during a single player mission ever. I think it’s kind of scary that the video game more or less played itself for a solid ten minutes.
The important thing? Brice never solves Blue’s Clues.
December 16th, 12:49 am,
I screw up big time. As we enter the citadel to stop Truth, I don't like the fact that Brice is ahead of me. I snap off both chambers of my rocket launcher and catch him square in the back. The initial impact hurdles his dead body through the final room and the door quickly locks behind him. So now I'm stuck outside and can't trigger the cut scene and he's dead forcing us to do a restart. Whoops.
December 16th, 1:01 am,
We kill some Scarabs and then hang out with some Flood only to kill everything by the end. Maybe it was because I was delusional, but I could have sworn Gravemind was singing his last little message to us. I guess I really just want this to be Little Shop of Horrors so bad.
December 16th, 1:03 am,
I call an immediate Slurpee break. Brice couldn’t agree more.
December 16th, 1:10 am,
Being as tired as we are, we decide to just go get Icees instead because they are closer. I risk brain freeze and consume as much as possible. I figure I’ve got an hour before the sugar high wears off.
I don’t really count the last level as the true last level because… well it really is more of an ending for the series.
Either way, I find it Ironic that the next hour and 20 minutes is nothing but Flood time.
Brice and I pull up our boots for the last hurrah.
December 16th, 1:43 am,
Brice is wishing that he could physically materialize the shotgun or swords we are using to mow down these Flood as we get back to back cut scenes of both Cortana AND Gravemind making us run at the speed of a paraplegic.
Brice just looks at me and keeps muttering “One fucking time huh?”
December 16th, 1:50 am,
The Final Flood Rule: If you are going to die, make it count. Never die with grenades unused. If you don’t you just look like a pansy and increase potential suck-meters into the “really sucky” level.
As we book it after saving that babe Cortana, (SEE: Hentai), we finally get ready for the final level.
December, 16th, 1:55 am,
Brice “accidentally” blows me up with the fuel rod cannon after I shoot him for laughing at me falling down a hole that I jumped blindly across, not realizing I was looking the wrong way.
Did you get all that? Because neither one of us can still explain it.
December, 16th, 2:22 am,
Johnson takes it like a man leading into the lamest final boss battle in the history of video games. The irony here is that after all his abusive manipulation of screwing teammates through out the games (I stress plural for all three), he doesn’t pick up our fallen comrade’s laser and proceeds to use his Assault Rifle and frag grenades to no avail. After all is said and done and he keeps getting pushed back, he freaks out saying, “Now what?”
Tired and frustrated, I pick up the laser and end it. Apparently for some people, that’s not an easy ending after all.
The sad part? He still never realizes the whole Johnson thing. The only thing he does say, is “dude looks like a raisin,” referring to the fact that his face was all messed up.
Classy Brice.
December 16th, 2:44 am,
We’ve set the 04-2 to blow and are booking it back to Dawn. I always liked the level whereas most people feel it was a cop out from Bungie to meet deadlines. Again, Bungie is the king of repetition.
Brice and I had some ups and downs as we raced away. The most notable would be in the fact that Brice barreled ahead as I slowed down (you’d think he would smell a trap by now) and as that pillar crashed through on the final sharp turn Brice plummeted to his death screaming, “Oh no!”
Oh yes Brice, oh yes.
December 16th, 2:47 am
We watch the final cut scene and to which Brice only makes two comments, “Why didn’t Cortana just close the fucking doors?”
And when he learned of the MC’s death (remember we played it on normal), his only reply was, “What a pussy.”
Yeah Brice, he personally killed a bazillion enemies, saved the entire human race and Earth, but yeah, I can see how that be misconstrued as weak sauce.
The funny thing? I didn’t tell him for three weeks that he actually survived.
Jessica’s total deaths: 9
Brice’s total deaths: 19
Matt’s total deaths: 22
Total Restarts: 6
So there you have it, as you can see, having that third player around really increased the mortality rate. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that most of our deaths were friendly fire related.
Anyways, thanks for joining us and stay frosty! Next Halo Day will be Halo Wars, Halo 3: ODST and Halo Reach!
Until next time,
Bill Gates apparently has a mission to irritate gingers it seems. My Halo 3 log (1 of 3 files open at the time) somehow didn’t survive the “automatic update restart.” Hence, it’s been a while since I had the opportunity to relive the magic of Halo Day. Anyways, without any further to do, I give you the conclusion of Halo Day. Enjoy.
Halo 3
December 16th, 9:22 pm,
We gear up to finish the fight. As Brice and I watch the introduction cut-scene, Brice can’t help but complain that if we can survive falling from orbit and crash-landing in a Thriller pose, we should be pretty much fucking invincible.
I on the other hand notice that Sergeant Johnson (Brice still has no clue) just keeps looking better and better with each game. Brice notices it too and mentions that they should have just used these graphics all the way through. I try to remind the R-tard that Halo came out almost ten years ago to which he retorts, “what’s your point?”
December 16th, 9:26 pm,
It really needs to be said that Halo 3 almost never happened. Upon starting the game, Brice did not like learning that he would be stuck with Covenant weapons all game since he was the permanent Arbiter. He even complained that the cloak had been replaced with a flashlight. We almost had to do a controller swap until Brice found out that the Arbiter got sticky grenades as a default. Crisis averted.
December 16th, 9:28 pm,
Cortana invades our screen talking about how it’s her time of the month or something to that degree. Brice asks if this annoying slow-down will happen again. I lie and tell him I’m pretty sure it’s just the one time.
December 16th, 9:31 pm,
It should be said now before I get too far into this that there was only thing that really let us survive the night and can be summed up in three words.
Grunt. Birthday. Skull.
December 16th, 9:34
I’ve come to realize we have our first real casualty of the night as Roslyn has become MIA. Whether she has left, gone somewhere to sleep, or fallen and can’t get up, she’s nowhere to be found. I shrug my shoulders and move on. I know she would have wanted it this way.
December 16th, 9:35 pm,
Brice and I are finishing the level up. He seems to be thinking that he’s doing all the work as he charges in. He doesn’t seem to realize my Barry Pepper sniping skills are saving him left and right.
After killing a Hammer Brute, I call Brice out where he tells me had had it covered. I can’t think in what universe a plan exists where Brice’s ass getting wedged upon that hammer isn’t a result.
December 16th, 9:40 pm,
We beat the first level to which point my friend Jessica asks if she can jump in. When Brice hears her voice he can’t differentiate whether I’m friends with a small boy or a girl. He assumes it’s a boy after jokingly commenting that girls don’t play Halo. I add in, that it’s usually not hot girls. Secretly I think he’s worried that she’ll be better than him.
Our Wolf Pack expands to three.
December 16th, 9:42 pm,
After watching the cheesiest cut-scene ever, “We’re going to war,” (really? Haven’t the UNSC been fighting for the last 20 years? Where have you been?) Jess immediate gets lost in the underground tunnels. Someone (and we won’t point fingers) makes a comparison to women’s driving skills and an awkward silence washes over the wolf pack.
December 16th, 9:43 pm,
For some reason, when Jess dropped in, the game’s setting reset and the birthday skull was deactivated. After asking whether to exit out or barrel through the rest of the level. Brice strongly insists that we restart. That’s the closest thing to a demand to ever come from him.
We politely oblige him.
December 16th, 9:44 pm,
After a quick reboot we’re back in the tunnels once more. I’m hopping over bad guys letting them get cleaned up by my team while I try to catch up on lost time. Everything was going fine until I re-discover that the checkpoint teleportation is back in play.
As Jess and Brice come out of nowhere Jess turns left instead of right. Brice and I just look at each other and tell her to find our icons on her screen. Silly girls, Halo is for men.
December 16th, 9:46 pm,
Brice gets the first death of the game which is surrounded in a lot of suspicion. As Brice fights a Jackal with an overloaded plasma shot. He suddenly got mowed down, by a chain gun under Jess’s control. Her defense? “I still thought the elites were the bad guys.”
We don’t buy it.
December 16th, 9:52 pm,
I always kind of figured that if I’m not leading the way, the only thought that should be in anyone’s mind should be: TRAP!
Apparently that’s not the case as Brice blows past me into the hornet’s nest of at least 100 drones only to die screaming “Oh shit!”
Like I said, trap.
December 16th, 9:56 pm,
Brice is still a bit peeved about Jess’s betrayal as evident by the fact that he closed the elevator hatch shut on her and left her to sit at the bottom and bored. You know, to let the men do manly things.
December 16th, 10:00 pm,
Brice stays behind going fisticuffs with jet pack Brutes while I barrel on to reactivate the bomb, that deactivated, then reactivated and then deactivated again… or something like that. Honestly, I never did pay attention to how Johnson dropped the ball on that one.
Brice and I start singing the only verse we know from "Taking Care of Business." Eventually we realize we are going a bit overboard with it and stop. A few seconds later Brice starts humming it. I tell him that counts too, but it pretty much goes on for the rest of the game.
December 16th, 10:02 pm,
We slow down for a second to watch a poor marine accomplish the ultimate face plant into a pillar.
Brice rushes into action throwing a sticky that lands on the marine being held in the air rather than the massive Brute holding him blowing everything to smithereens. I ask him if he really just did that to which he replies, “I’d like to think our methods are different, but we get the same results.”
Seriously guys, NEVER go to war with this guy.
December 16th, 10:04
Needless to say, we’ve saved everyone by blowing everything up. It’s kind of our signature style. I run for the elevator and make it while Brice and Jess die fiery deaths. I’m kind of glad for this too since Brice somehow got his hands on a fuel rod cannon and was looking to slap me with some pain.
December 16th, 10:05 pm,
I’m a little disappointed in Brice as I try to telepathically tell him to take the second warthog. But after years of “Plan A” tactics being him on my chain gun (SEE: SEXUAL INNUENDO), Jess ends up driving the other hog. Just going out the door she betrays two of our troopers.
I try and stop her senanigins, but at the last second she slips through the cracked door and I crash into it. She thinks she has the final laugh, but I’ve only begun to fight.
December 16th, 10:07 pm,
While Jess is actually trying to kill bad guys, my sole mission is to flip her… which I accomplish beautifully after sending her off a ramp crooked and causing her to flip end over end. Sucker….
December 16th, 10:10 pm,
I kind of messed up right here.
As we race down the map, we hit the part in the highway where the bridge is broken and you have to go on foot. As Jess dismounts, I tell Brice I can land it.
I rev it up and try to make the jump. I learn that whatever magic Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock had with that bus in Speed doesn’t apply here as the warthog can’t quite clear the gap and I land high center on the edge of the bridge with two wheels on and two wheels off.
I panic and hop out to which Brice screams “NOOOOOO” as he the weight shifts and the warthog flips back over and off the cliff.
My bad B.
December 16th, 10:15 pm,
We clean up some Brute nonsense and get back in conviently timed vehicle replacements. Jess takes off in a brute chopper while Brice and I jump in Betsy (aka warthog).
Now sometimes (most of the time) it’s my fault when things happen while I’m driving. But there are those rare circumstances when the powers that be decide that it’s just not the opportune time to be breathing.
As we burst into the next area, a wraith is already dropping mortar rounds on Jess as she shoots right. I decide to shoot left only to get blindsided by a brute chopper who shunts me to the side and back into the incoming mortar round.
The end result isn’t pretty as the warthog goes flipping through the air to crash into the side of a mountain dumping us out. I try to flip it backover only to watch in horror as the chopper comes back around ramming into Brice and the backend of the warthog resulting in a fiery explosion as I jump away.
Brice likes to think that in her final act of defiance, Betsy exploded sparing Brice the dishonor of a kill and robbing the Brute. I’m so flabbergasted by the chain of events that I tagalong with it and run for cover.
December 16th, 10:16 pm,
This is bad.
Brice is still dead. Jess somehow lost her chopper and is dancing with three choppers and a tank on the backside of the hill and I’ve got another wraith and two shade turrets keeping me pinned.
Geronimo here we go.
December 16th, 10:17 pm,
I love it when a plan comes together. As I pull a Matthew Broderick and Glory charge up the hill I tank over the second tank that is harassing Jess, simultaneously throwing stickies from Brice’s dead corpse and dropping a mine on the first tank. The result is a combination of explosion and jacking that just leaves Brice’s mouth hanging open.
I ram the choppers off the cliff and save the day.
December 16th, 10:18 pm,
We are at the end of the level and just have to get around the bend. I refuse to get out of the tank and proceed to turbo the barriers and begun pushing them away in a slow and meticulous process while Jess just watches with impatience. You know that scene in the original Austin Powers where he gets stuck trying to three-point turn the golf car in the narrow hallway? Yeah it’s like that.
December 16th, 10:19 pm,
Another level is tagged and bagged as we head back into the city proper. We ask Jess to open the door for our warthog to which she runs down the level killing guys while we sit like a prized stallion that didn’t get let out the gate.
She says she got caught up having too much fun.
December 16th, 10:22 pm,
Rule #7: There is one and ONLY one time that is acceptable to give up the warthog and can be displayed in the following mathematical formula:
Warthog > Rocket Goose
Seriously, those things are so much fun.
December 16th, 10:25 pm,
After doing lots of jumps and flips we finally get to kill our first Scarab. Brice is a bit hesitant to board it after his mishaps on the first one in Halo 2 so I clean shop.
December 16th, 10:37 pm,
We finish the level and blow up the giant flak cannon and watch the cut-scene only to see the Flood show up. Jess tells us she has to leave and after leaving, Brice comments that he can’t blame her for being smart. He would have left for this part too.
December 16th, 11:42 pm,
I’ve decided to skip ahead because there’s nothing that hasn’t been said before about how much crap just went down. The new pure forms are annoying as shit. Especially for Brice, who only had melee weapons and couldn’t do anything about the ones shooting him from the tops of buildings.
I will say I learned a new lesson myself. It’s not a good idea to run forward while using the flamethrower. There’s a 98% chance you will spontaneously combust.
December 16th, 11:45 pm,
It’s getting late as we start the Ark level. We’ve charged through the early sniper infiltration part and have secured a warthog. Brice can’t figure out why I’m just sitting at the edge of the cliff until Forward Unto Dawn comes screaming in. I jump out of the warthog to watch as he gets sent hurdling through the air flipping backwards multiple times until landing in a cave. His words? “Dude that was so not cool, but at the same time, it was amazing.”
December 16th, 12:01 am,
Brice and I are heading along in our own separate tanks and everything is going dandy until Brice forgets the golden rule about Halo: nothing is ever done by accident. Ignoring two little “harmless” grunts in favor of going toe to toe with the nearby Wraith, Brice learns the hard way that two grunts with fuel rods at point blank range are a worse threat than a tank with only one mortar round.
He somehow survives, but loses all the poor bastards sitting on his treads thinking they were going to be able to return home to their wives someday.
December 16th, 12:01 am,
Remember how I wrote about Brice, his tank, and deadly Grunts? Yeah he just got his tank stickied to death and is now sitting behind an energy shield praying I can save him.
Some people never learn…..
December 16th, 12:09 am,
After clearing to the backside of the building, Brice jumps in another tank while I jet around in the Guass Hog. I go Dukes of Hazzard and “land” (it was a rough translation of crash) the warthog on the Scarab and quickly blow its core. Unfortunately, Brice didn’t hear the warning klaxons of the doomed vehicle and proceeded to park his scorpion right next to it firing off shots. A Scorpion is tough, but it’s not Scarab going supernova tough.
December 16, 12:18 am,
I’m getting really tired as time seems to be blurring into one another. All I can remember is a Mauler, a Hammer, Brice tripping balls when he finds himself interrupting a Brute circle jerk, and some incendiary grenades. All in all, just a regular day in the office.
December 16th, 12:24 am,
This is the one and only time I’ll give Brice every right to bitch like a girl who just got kicked off of a Bret Michaels reality show: Spartan Laser.
Sucks to be you Brice.
December 16th, 12:28 am
Some people will argue that the laser is better than the rocket launcher. The thing is, rockets don’t have charging times. I wish someone could tell that to the marine, my dead body and blown up Mongoose.
December 16th, 12:31 am,
Whether to fatigue, general failure, or the fact that we’ve been playing Halo for over 15 hours, we owe a few of our respawns to this part in the level. For whatever reason, we just didn’t have the right stuff. Luckily things shape up after I roll the warthog into a crevice dropping us down into the hallway we need to be in. Brice calls it luck and not skill. When I ask if he’s really going to complain, he just tells me he’s so damn happy to have it.
December 16th, 12:44 am,
We get to fly hornets finally and Brice is happy as a cucumber. Meanwhile, I fall asleep and crash us into a mountain side. In retrospect, of all the vehicles to fall asleep in, I choose the worst one possible. Brice carries the way while I sit parked and determine to glitch through solid rock.
December 16th, 12:48 am,
Realizing Brice is going to catch on that I’m passing out while he’s doing all the “heavy lifting,” I get smart and jump in my vehicle as a passenger and let my AI do all the work. It’s the first time I’ve ever sat shotgun in a warthog during a single player mission ever. I think it’s kind of scary that the video game more or less played itself for a solid ten minutes.
The important thing? Brice never solves Blue’s Clues.
December 16th, 12:49 am,
I screw up big time. As we enter the citadel to stop Truth, I don't like the fact that Brice is ahead of me. I snap off both chambers of my rocket launcher and catch him square in the back. The initial impact hurdles his dead body through the final room and the door quickly locks behind him. So now I'm stuck outside and can't trigger the cut scene and he's dead forcing us to do a restart. Whoops.
December 16th, 1:01 am,
We kill some Scarabs and then hang out with some Flood only to kill everything by the end. Maybe it was because I was delusional, but I could have sworn Gravemind was singing his last little message to us. I guess I really just want this to be Little Shop of Horrors so bad.
December 16th, 1:03 am,
I call an immediate Slurpee break. Brice couldn’t agree more.
December 16th, 1:10 am,
Being as tired as we are, we decide to just go get Icees instead because they are closer. I risk brain freeze and consume as much as possible. I figure I’ve got an hour before the sugar high wears off.
I don’t really count the last level as the true last level because… well it really is more of an ending for the series.
Either way, I find it Ironic that the next hour and 20 minutes is nothing but Flood time.
Brice and I pull up our boots for the last hurrah.
December 16th, 1:43 am,
Brice is wishing that he could physically materialize the shotgun or swords we are using to mow down these Flood as we get back to back cut scenes of both Cortana AND Gravemind making us run at the speed of a paraplegic.
Brice just looks at me and keeps muttering “One fucking time huh?”
December 16th, 1:50 am,
The Final Flood Rule: If you are going to die, make it count. Never die with grenades unused. If you don’t you just look like a pansy and increase potential suck-meters into the “really sucky” level.
As we book it after saving that babe Cortana, (SEE: Hentai), we finally get ready for the final level.
December, 16th, 1:55 am,
Brice “accidentally” blows me up with the fuel rod cannon after I shoot him for laughing at me falling down a hole that I jumped blindly across, not realizing I was looking the wrong way.
Did you get all that? Because neither one of us can still explain it.
December, 16th, 2:22 am,
Johnson takes it like a man leading into the lamest final boss battle in the history of video games. The irony here is that after all his abusive manipulation of screwing teammates through out the games (I stress plural for all three), he doesn’t pick up our fallen comrade’s laser and proceeds to use his Assault Rifle and frag grenades to no avail. After all is said and done and he keeps getting pushed back, he freaks out saying, “Now what?”
Tired and frustrated, I pick up the laser and end it. Apparently for some people, that’s not an easy ending after all.
The sad part? He still never realizes the whole Johnson thing. The only thing he does say, is “dude looks like a raisin,” referring to the fact that his face was all messed up.
Classy Brice.
December 16th, 2:44 am,
We’ve set the 04-2 to blow and are booking it back to Dawn. I always liked the level whereas most people feel it was a cop out from Bungie to meet deadlines. Again, Bungie is the king of repetition.
Brice and I had some ups and downs as we raced away. The most notable would be in the fact that Brice barreled ahead as I slowed down (you’d think he would smell a trap by now) and as that pillar crashed through on the final sharp turn Brice plummeted to his death screaming, “Oh no!”
Oh yes Brice, oh yes.
December 16th, 2:47 am
We watch the final cut scene and to which Brice only makes two comments, “Why didn’t Cortana just close the fucking doors?”
And when he learned of the MC’s death (remember we played it on normal), his only reply was, “What a pussy.”
Yeah Brice, he personally killed a bazillion enemies, saved the entire human race and Earth, but yeah, I can see how that be misconstrued as weak sauce.
The funny thing? I didn’t tell him for three weeks that he actually survived.
Jessica’s total deaths: 9
Brice’s total deaths: 19
Matt’s total deaths: 22
Total Restarts: 6
So there you have it, as you can see, having that third player around really increased the mortality rate. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that most of our deaths were friendly fire related.
Anyways, thanks for joining us and stay frosty! Next Halo Day will be Halo Wars, Halo 3: ODST and Halo Reach!
Until next time,
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