Arc-Royal

America

2011-12-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

There is something very wrong with this country.

I don’t blame any of you for not seeing it. We are all spoon fed the priorities of the individual and distracted from ever looking at the bigger picture.

Sure, from time to time we see glimpses of urgent or impactful issues, but then they too get swept under the rug by the newest celebrity gossip.

It’s not even entirely our fault that it happened. It didn’t change over night. No, this was a systemic cultural evolution that fed off the only principle that has ever mattered in this country. Capitalism, or if you want to be blunt, where’s the money?

I could sit here for hours and argue with everyone about how government is corrupted, with wealthy senators lobbying and jockeying for power (all the while nothing real gets accomplished) or explain how for all the good the Occupy Movement could have been, it became a lightning rod in the hands of the confused and angry and resulted in very little being brought to the table.

But before I do any of that, what I want you to do is Google News and check the most highlighted stories – as to say what people are really caring about- and you’ll find the following.

Obama wants us all to eat horses.

I didn’t know that he actually made a campaign promise to permanently ban the use of horse meat for human consumption (SEE: LIAR), but in the grand scheme of things until I read another article that tells me companies are legally allowed to integrate Mr. Ed into my Big Mac, I’ll focus on other things.

(I could have sworn Taco Bell used to use D-grade horse meat as the secret ingredient in their burrito supreme.)

Herman Cain dropped out of the race for the Presidency.

I liked the guy from the angle that he was a maverick and had both parties on edge, but even if you have the slightest bit of conspiracy theorist inside you, you knew there are way too many influential people out there controlling the Electoral College that would have ever seen this man in the oval office.

And regardless of what he may or may not have done with other women in his lifetime, I do not understand the direct correlation that has with making decisions to change a country’s policies and lead people.

Unless his sexual misconduct was with this person, then I would question his decision making skills.

Obama is immortal.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/presidents-age-faster-rest-us-15098196

We already knew he was attempting to be a prophet of the world. (First, peaceful foreign policy, then free health insurance and now you’re going to employ everybody! YAY)

But apparently according to research, being the president of the united states has statistically shown to prolong your life expectancy. Not bad for the president with the most vacation and golf time of any other president in our country's history.

It just makes you want to go to Area 51 and solve Blue’s Clues for yourself doesn’t?

The FAA Chairman got a DUI on the ground.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/no-2-faa-official-takes-charge-after-administrator-resigns-in-wake-of-drunken-driving-arrest/2011/12/07/gIQA2tUhbO_story.html

I just don’t understand how this is relevant. Stupid people get arrested for stupid activities all the time. It’s not like he was directing 747’s in the air while smashed on some brandy and egg nog.

This little bill....

Oh and finally, our Senate just passed a bill that let’s every American citizen be arrested and held indefinitely without trial by our military in the name of homeland security. No big deal right?

http://www.aclu.org/blog/national-security/senators-demand-military-lock-american-citizens-battlefield-they-define-being/

The sad part is, that story wasn't even in the headlines. You have to search to learn of such atrocities because the media knows that dissent and anger won't make them money.

But hey, at least we know Alec Baldwin loves to play Words with Friends way too much.

We are so freaking screwed.

Move Along Move Along While I Write this Blog

2011-06-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

I hate how much I love you to still care what you think.

Well Shit.

2011-04-20T09:45:00.001-07:00

I haven't been around, obviously, so I think for now I'll just truncate the last few months to catch everyone up to speed.

Roslyn left me.
I work a bazillion hours a week still.
I went to Coachella!

I'm sure I'm about one more drunken evening away from writing a terribly-spelled eulogy as to why Roslyn ranaway, but I'm saving that story for the moment when I'm the most upset with her because she hates when any of her life get broadcasts when it isn't cookie cutter perfect. Suffice to say, I was dumb and she was intolerant and didn't want the relationship to survive. Whatever, enough time has gone by where I want to defiantly throw my middle finger in the air at her, but like I said, that's a tale reserved for after a fifth of jack daniels.

Work is still work, I work and then I work some more. In fact when Roslyn "left" as in moved out of our apartment without even telling me, it's because I was working a sweet 17-hour day on my day off. This crap is going to kill me and I now see why 40 somethings are so miserable. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Coachella has been my solace so far this year. Like a bastion dragging me from the brink, it invigorated me and left me with that sense of wonder and awe like a drug you just wish you could take and fall back into it. I call it Coachellity and it beats Reality every time.

If you've never been I highly encourage you to try it on for size, you'll hear bands you love, discover ones you never knew you'd like and complain about that one act that will end up crashing like a spectacular meteor based on the expectations of your mind.

I only leave two pearls of wisdom for it:

Water and Sunscreen.

I trust you know what to do with both because the heat was ridiculous.

Speaking of Ridiculous, the only thing I would have to complain about Coachella was Kanye. Man he stunk. Oh and Kanye, if you have one chance to say in an infamous line in front of 70,000 people, don't squander it.

But seriously, the festival was very well organized this year with PLENTY of showers, and lots of great spacing and plenty of fun activities. There was still the regular infestation of bee hives, people stealing stuff and someone getting run over by a four-wheeler, but it didn't rain on my parade. I can't wait for the pictures to be uploaded. I just really hope next year everyone from our group can make it.

As for next year, if they already had a layaway ready I'd sign up (I almost didn't get to go this year due to the festival selling out in 4 days) and as we always do we make predictions about who will be in attendance next year.

2012 Lineup:
Daft Punk
Incubus
Lady Gaga
Sound Garden
Foo Fighters
Radiohead
Eminem or Ludacris
Queens of the Stone Age
Iron and Wine
Mos Def
Perry Farrell (in some incarnation)
Infected Mushroom
Anthony Green
Dan the Automator
InnerPartySytem

If i really wanted aim big, then let's say Led Zepplin just for kicks.

I can't wait until next year's lineup, but now it's been decided that now we have to aim for Glastonbury in the UK. This year's lineup is heartbreaking that I can't go. Apparently it's an extremely detailed process that to go through doesn't even necessarily guarantee you a ticket!

So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, it's that you should never date women ever. They will just ruin you in the end or let you ruin yourself and that if you're going to work only work enough so that you can attend every sweet music festival you can.

I'm dedicating this song to you Roslyn. I wanted to make it work, and I wanted to be nice, but you didn't want any of that.

2011.

2011-01-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

It’s a New Year.

The great thing about New Years is the mentality that people have about it. It’s almost as if people think that everything starts over fresh, like some giant video game that you can just hit the RESET button and it will all change.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that people want to jump start their optimism all at one time. I think that might be one of the reasons that people make it to the next year in the first place.

The only down side to all of this that New Years is just a lie. It’s an escape for one day before reality bites back down hard.

Think about last year, 2010. People always at the precipice of the something new will look back and complain about what they’ve already had. The best way to describe this phenomena is using a TV or computer. If you were to get a new one today, you’d say that your old one was a piece of junk and that you couldn’t wait to upgrade.

Guess what? You’ll say that when you buy the next one too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jaded. I just think that it is silly people try to rally all of their inspiration into just one day and then try to carry that mentality for an entire year.

I think you have a better chance of being hit by lightning. Unless that’s your New Years Resolution of course.

Seriously, to all the people who want to lose weight, stop smoking, get that promotion, discover yourself or just generally do better, you will never accomplish this goal on your own. Why not? Because yourself is already at fault for putting yourself in the rut or unhappy place you’re at and no promise over a sip of champagne and a giant ball dropping is going to change that.

So do yourself a favor and get help. I’m not talking a self-help book, some Nicotine gum, or a gym membership, I’m talking about finding another human being to pick you up when you’re struggling.

In case you’re not sure who to seek out, I’ve given you some options to help develop your options.

Weight Loss:

Find/Pay someone to ride your butt about getting into shape. Make them responsible for all the neglect you’ve already shown.

Think of it this way, until you can go to work in your bathing suit and not be embarrassed, that’s your end goal. Feel free to use that as a tool in your weight loss efforts, but be forewarned about impending sexual harassment lawsuits. Your call.

Smoking:

Find someone with throat cancer and become best friends. Chances are no matter how neutral you are about it, that voicebox is going to creep you out and remind you that you don’t want the same thing happening to you.

P.S. Watching Ned on South Park does not count as befriending.

If that fails, the only other thing I can suggest to you is have a baby. You can’t smoke around them (unless you’re a complete jerkoff) and it will help you kill the cravings.

Becoming someone better:

Get yourself a motivational speaker and life coach.

Only when you let someone else in and tell you that improving your life is possible and keeping you on track to do it will you succeed. Imagine it as a report card. If you have a goal you’re struggling to achieve and with no one checking in, it’s easy just to lie to yourself.
WARNING: The degree of success you get is from the caliber of person you select.

I hope that puts you on the right track.

As for me, I like to keep my resolutions simple, unique and most importantly obtainable. Last years went pretty well, with the exception of learning another language. I think I picked up a few extra Spanish words during Happy Hour at the El Presidente so I’m recycling that to this years cut. As for the rest, I actually just about filled my artwork book up which I intend to use throughout this years blog.

My only other two resolutions were to not be the first person to break eye contact when locking eyes with a stranger and to blog at least 5 times a week on this thing.

So fee free to share your resolutions. If you need help keeping them, I'm a publicly embarrassing post away from keeping you in line. Hopefully you all can do the same for me.

Until next time.

Idle Times

2010-11-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

Hey all, still haven't kicked this whole being busy thing in the teeth yet. I'm working on it, but don't expect any kind of regular activity until January.

Apparently evil retail corporations purposefully suck all the joy out of their employees lives this time of year.

BUT, I did want to post something today that's been sitting on the back burner for a while.

Most of you out there have Facebook in this day and age, but like all fun things, it can easily corrupt. A recent study has labeled people 14-24 who spend at least 40% of their week on Facebook a new "hyper" society. If you ask me that just strikes me as lazy and unproductive, but MOST of us are guilty of it to some extent.

The ones that get me are the people who I see post 20 times a day. If you do this, I've probably already set your status updates to ignore. It's just annoying to read that you need my help in your gangster war, you found a yellow cow, you liked this song a lot, you just checked in at your house, and your updates......

OH your updates.

Here's a little bit of advice about what you feel you need to tell the world that I heard from someone else one time. If you can't say what your writing in a crowded quite line at the bank without feeling stupid, it has no business being layered in with that mask of anonymity, it shouldn't be said.

Plus, if you are keeping people posted about the fact you had a banana and some coffee, keep the trivial drool to yourself please and thank you.

Me? I have a rule. I post one status update a day NO MATTER what. The only time I break this if something is extremely time sensitive like, "Kogi BBQ truck in town for the next 2 hours." Otherwise, whatever I have to say can wait or be used in my blog...

Which brings me to the THINGS YOU NEVER SAW ME WRITE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO ANNOY YOU POST!

Below are some fun things I wish I could have said at the time but didn't because I didn't want to be a jerk and blow up your notification stations. Enjoy!

Why is that when my hands are full I always drop my phone before my soda?

When I see a skinny girl I always wonder how all her internal organs fit inside.

Murphy's Law only comes into play when you're in a hurry. This bad luck must be named after the cop Murphy who got shot up and turned into RoboCop.

How is it that my mother possesses the impeccable ability to call me back down to talk right as I'm at the top of stairs?

Dear Mr. Customer; I don't believe you when you want a $50 refund on an expensive bottle of vitamins to use on booze and smokes when you can't afford a shower. Please stop trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

To some friends, your value to them is a direct correlation to the fact of whether or not you possess a truck.

I would vote Stewart and Colbert as president and vice president without hesitation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Spandex is a privilege not a right.

Are we really so short on fresh new ideas that we are remaking indie films like Death at a Funeral and Let The Right One in less than two years after there initial release? Jeez Louise!

Poor decision making skills is the common denominator in all scary movies. Maybe that’s why most involve high-school students or uneducated common folk? On a related note, the business sector’s kryptonite tends to be end of days catastrophes like tidal waves, meteors and Godzilla.

I just need to figure out how to get 1% of 6 billion America people in the world to just give me one little old dollar.

Is anyone still use MySpace?

Why can’t my chicken flat bread sandwich look as good as it does in the picture I ordered it from?

When other countries have issues with the government they riot. Us? We just form tea parties and formally protest until we can find another corrupt politician to rally behind. Vicious circle.

It’s kind of cute when old people smell like weed

It’s always smarter to wear gloves when handling glitter. That stuff stays with you like a bad cough.

Telling yourself you’ll have just one drink on a Friday night is a shameful lie.

I love how I can fit close to 30 punk songs on a CD because of how short they usually are. This reaffirms that punk music spawned to placate the ADD riddled people.

If you wear a hood and/or sunglasses into my store, don’t get defensive that I assume you’re either a criminal or a celebrity or both (SEE: Wynona Ryder)

I’ve come to discover that the fan in bathrooms is not meant to keep steam at bay or make smells vanish but merely to mask embarrassing potty noises.

While looking into assisted living for my mom when I schlep her off to the home, I caught myself wondering if a hit-man would just be cheaper.

Whatever your reasons, if you wiped your butt and threw the paper in the trash can, you're a moron. I just can’t fathom this one.

I never lose sight of a low flying bird for fear it's making a bombing run.

If I let you in as some nice gesture while driving and you don't acknowledge my gratitude with a handshake or wave I just want to run you back off the road.

I’m a firm believer that if you can’t navigate aisles with a shopping cart/stroller, you have no business being behind the wheel of a an automobile.

No Mr. Bum, I will not give you any change for standing outside when you have a shade umbrella and a smartphone I catch you texting on. You can politely go to hell.

Mr/Miss Waiter, if I make contact with you it’s because I’m either checking you out or I need your assistance. Regardless of which it actually is, you have to pony up and take your chances.

If you have the choice, always get behind the car with a sticker on it. They tend to move faster. NOTE*This sticker cannot be a handicap, I support cops, Honor Student, or Baby on Board sticker.

I have come to the conclusion that the original Karate Kid has the greatest soundtrack of all time and no movie will ever come close to taking that title away. Not even a Danny Elfman scored flick.

See you later Space Cowboys.

JON BLOG JOVI

2010-10-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

OK, so I could list a page worth of reasons about why I haven’t been able to blog, but who cares right? The point is you have all kicked and cried and thrown your tantrums and now I’m back. I can promise you that I will make it up to all of you with a little something I want to call the Power Hour Blog, but will dig into that later next week.

Moving along…..

See that redhead above next to me with amazement written on his face? He’s the SECOND prettiest redheaded man on the planet and he’s been complaining an awful lot about me not posting anything on here. So I figured why not take the spotlight off of me for a change and tell you a little about someone else. Enjoy the completely true facts* below.

Jon is so cool that at birth, knowing he was the one Jon to rule them all, he omitted the letter “h” from his name and had the corresponding Sesame Street episode that it was brought by banned from his household.

Jon is responsible for naming 14 As Seen on TV hits such as the Snuggie, Slap Chop, that one cream that gets out any scratch on your car, and the Sham-WOW among others.

Of those fourteen, twelve were derived while thinking on the toilet hence the common slang of “going to the John.”

Jon can speak 8 different languages including one that he made up on a boring day as well as elvish after watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy only 2 times through. (The extended cut)

Jon is the reason “Mmmmm Bop” exists after the Hanson brothers overheard him humming at a local Starbucks a decade ago. They still have not paid him any royalties, but Jon has let it go being the bigger man.

Speaking of big, it is well known that Little John of Robin Hood lore chose the name out of respect of the imminent arrival of this Jon who would be the biggest of the big.

This is also why John Bon Jovi prefers to be known simply as Bon Jovi or JBJ and why John Wayne went by “The Duke.”

The Dark Ages were aptly named because Jon wasn’t around to lighten peoples lives.

Sensitive to the classic Disney film Bambi, Jon petitioned that unidentified victims deserved more recognition than an animal term and that was how John Doe was born. Before that, they were all just Does.

As a ginger and being born with no soul, Jon rectified this by merely imitating the moves of Mortal Kombat character Shang Tsung at the local arcade. He now collects them as a hobby and leaves them in a jar in his parlor.

When Jon goes to the beach, the sun has to put on protective lotion from him.

It has been said that when scientists tried to reverse engineer Jon’s hot blooded body the formula for synthetic fabric insulation was born. They were later come to be known as Long Johns and are worn by most skiers.

Jon is the only man in recorded his history to be able to multi-task. Women from across the globe have thrown their significant others into his seminars saying that Jon is everything they wish their husbands could be… and more. Sadly no on has ever gotten right although they do give credit to a street performer who can juggle bowling pins, while balancing a spinning plate on his nose while performing a Dixie tune off his one-man-band instrument.

Jon once convinced medical professionals that nose mucus was the membrane that coated your brain and kept your intelligence inside your body. It was the best April’s Fool Joke in the history of the universe.

Jon has survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris. He lost a tooth, but he did survive.

Jon’s favorite movie hasn’t even been made yet, but he knows that it will be a science-fiction involving Christopher Walken and a locked lunchbox.

Stuck in the wilderness with zero supplies after saving a baby platypus, Jon called up his will power to intensely stare at a pile of logs until it caught on fire. He now uses this trick to heat up lukewarm coffee and cook the best nachos in the world at his beckoning.

Jon is responsible for creating the popular soda brand Cactus Cooler after accidentally knocking over a glasses of pineapple juice, Sprite and orange juice all at the same time.

Jon is a very good driver and obeys the speed limit postings at all time after a freak incident where he went 88 MPH one time. He doesn’t like to talk about it and has developed an intense paranoia of zombies.

Speaking of Zombies. The Zombie March is Saturday starting at 6pm and I know Jon and myself can expect to see you there! Call me, message me, find me and remember it starts at Newhall park and goes back to Brave New World this year. (That’s right folks, it’s backwards.)

CIAO!

Human Anatomy Strikes Again!

2010-10-01T00:45:00.001-07:00

“It’s your kids Marty! We’ve got to do something about your kids!” – Doc Brown, Back to the Future 2

It has come to my attention that something horribly tragic has been affecting our kids like that unstoppable plague in the movie Outbreak.

No my friends, its far worse than the combined total of all violence in video games, the expensive needless cross-merchandising of stupid toys and collectible cards in animated shows or the horrible breaking news cuts showing high-speed chases and violent shoot-outs in the middle of the after school kids block.

It’s the boobs. Something has to be done about all the boobs.

No not those, THESE boobs.

It seems my future wife, Katy Perry, was recently on an episode of Sesame Street. In it she played up a ruckus adventure with her pal Elmo in a rather well crafted version of the pop-star’s song “Hot n’ Cold,” of the same name.
It’s just a shame really because there is nothing wrong with this video in the first place. Honestly I was trying to stare and it was rare that I could even see her shape between laughing hysterically at Elmo laughing.

I’m immature, what can I say?

Besides, she got her revenge.

My point is, that if I can’t notice it, then it shouldn’t be an issue with parents. If you ask me, it’s these kind of parents that will cry out when they notice something in front of their eyes but could care less once the kids go off to school and the blinders come down.

I mean by their logic does that mean Dolly Parton should have been boycotted all those years ago during her work with the Muppet Show?

Or worse should The Brady Bunch never made it on the air? That Alice was a cutie.

Or should we go full throttle here and just eliminate breast feeding while we’re at it? I mean we don’t want to start these little warp-minded hellions off on the wrong foot now do we?

I guess if it was that big of an issue, they should have done a check before they wasted all that money on production value. Besides, attacking just one little moment won't change the entire contamination of what has spread all too fast to the next generation anyways. Unless this is exactly what they wanted from it all along… that viral publicity.

It makes you think.

Speaking of thinking, did you guys figure out my last clue from yester-blog?

If you guessed that it’s International Make-Pretend day, or IMP for serious followers, than you guessed right! I do intend to make a rocket ship / fort out of a huge box and party it up like it’s no tomorrow.

Or maybe I’m just moving.

BUT while moving isn’t quite as creative as IMP day, it does involve boxes and I have to say I’m quite ecstatic about getting the hell out of Dodge (SEE: parent’s thumb).

I got a nice two-bedroom place and am currently on the hunt scouring the penny saver and craigslist for some decent furniture.

I do have three things that I will not compromise on and acquire for my new place:

That's right, a human knife block (mine will be Silver Surfer Chrome), a foosball coffee table, and a globe cocktail bar like in Inglorious Bastards.

In honor of this joyous event, anyone reading this is cordially invited to my apartment warming event I call, “Party til it’s 10-10-10.”

In case you don't have access to a day-planner or can't right click that clock in the bottom right corner to access a calendar, it starts Saturday, October 9th, around 8pm. We’re going to bring in this historic triple digit deal is going to be like New Years but much more unique. Like Y2K.

The event will be BMS (Bring Me Stuff) to help deck out my new pad. Things you can bring me are food items (please no junk food or cranberry sauce), fancy bottle of alcohol, artwork, or anything else that you think I might need at my new place. I don’t ask that you go all out, but any little contribution would be grand. It’s the thought after all that counts.

Oh and EACH person has to contribute something, no free-loading off your guests present.

Punks.

See you all at the shindig. Email me at redheadcrusader@gmail.com if you want to come but I have no clue who you are. OR RSVP here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=112789938782854

Lastly, I really wish I had been creative enough to do this with my Jeep when I still had it.

My week in Pictures

2010-09-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

It’s only Wednesday and I can tell you I’ve had a very busy week.

I’ve wrecked a car:

Did I mention that I wrecked it drunk and under the influence?

I went and saw a band:

I finally ate something weirder than the Seafood Sensation at Subway, the Monte Cristo:

I almost threw it back up when I saw this license plate:

I did a few push-ups.

I made some sweet purchases:

And the last one? Well, I’ll give you a clue.

Let’s see you get in your thinking chair and solve that mystery.

Big Day

2010-09-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

I was told that today is supposed to be the “big day” for me.

Last time I checked, it’s not my birthday, I’m not getting married, I’m not pregnant, Victoria Secret isn’t having its Semi-Annual Sale, and I didn’t buy a lotto ticket.

So I don’t see any special reason to crawl out of bed and put on those special silk boxers that make me feel like I’m the king of the world.

No, instead I’m to be promoted (SEE: It’s a Trap!) and finally anchored into a store where I and I alone will get to make all the big boy decisions of a CVS/pharmacy retail location.

Pretty much, I’m the Boss.

Truth be told, I’m kind of looking forward/completely dreading the change. I like being in charge of myself and not having to report to any immediate superior. At the same time, I’ve never really been in charge of anything larger than a nine-man operation. Now I’ll be in charge of 20 something souls… or more

I just found out the location. It’s supposed to be temporary though. Right now I’m in a nice neighborhood, but I am fearful that I’ll end up in an area where people have no respect for things. Just take a look at these photos of a store I worked at a few days ago. The sad part is that these photos were taken 15 minutes after I had just worked that area.

So I guess that’s it. I think this will be the final factor in whether or not I can handle this company. A sink or swim if you will.

I am excited to announce my next challenge however though! Are you ready? I give you the…..

My friend Adam (SEE: Persian John Lennon) announced the other day that Gary Numan was the single greatest performer to ever exist. I might be exaggerating that a tad bit, but if people didn’t ever do that, we wouldn’t have things like the Iraqi War or that catchy “original” song from Vanilla Ice.

It’s all about the ice ice. Baby.

I told Adam that there was another, better Newman out there. He’s Randy Newman and he’s no pushover. Having scored just about every important Disney/Pixar film of the last two decades he’s a powerhouse of sound. You’ve got a friend in me? Rumor has it that song paused Palestinian/Israeli conflicts for a whole two months when Toy Story came out.

Adam tells me he has 885 songs to rock out to, but like so many things in life, it’s quality, not quantity.

So since he’s sticking to his guns like any other senseless prideful Numanite, I offered him the challenge of watching/listening to our respective champions until the other falls.

He foolishly accepted.

I think what Adam forgets is the way I do my challenges. Money comes and goes but embarrassing moments live on forever in time. That being said, I’m delighted to announce that the loser has to have their chest waxed with the cameras rolling.

I have no intentions of losing so place your bets!

Stay frosty guys.

Lastly, enjoy the newest video from Taylor and myself as we call out Michael Bay for his crimes against humanity.

Shameless Self Plugs

2010-09-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

Bacon is going to be the death of me.

Although I don’t love it THIS much

I just can’t say no to the stuff. In fact, I love bacon so much, I’ll shamelessly watch any movie with Kevin Bacon in it. Furthermore, I find it baffling that an entire religion has decided they can do without it. If I lose a few years off my life so that I can treat my taste buds right, then so be it.

Before we start, it should be known that NO ONE won the Call Justin Challenge. I received a few e-mails and messages from you guys telling me of unsuccessful attempts.

Here are two videos below of people failing. (Or is it Justin failing them?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7TBHEYsO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKzaGJsxOKs&feature=channel

Regardless, stay tuned for a new challenge in the future and maybe with money on the line, it will motivate you to check more often then waiting for me to post a status on Facebook.

From here on I’m shamelessly plugging things you need to swear you’re going to check out! Or else...

The Bell Boys

These guys hail from Portland, Oregon and will rock your socks off with their folk rock vibes. Easily one of the best sounds I’ve heard all year. The best part? You can buy the album at the link below at a choose your own price. It’s pretty revolutionary and you can own the entire album for cheap! BUT YOU BETTER PAY MORE! Expect a review of them to come.

Here's the link to buying the album. http://thebellboyspdx.bandcamp.com/

Totally Taylor’s World

It’s a new concept where I intend to film Taylor and how he sees the grown up world through the eyes of a seven-year-old. Below is a film we made in just a few minutes.

If you live in Santa Clarita, it’s very likely that this place might be the last bastion of hope for a nice lounge. Oddly enough it’s in the home of a former dive. It serves an eclectic number of beers and caters uniquely fresh European food flavors. It’s an interesting fusion of styles and I encourage all of you to go check it out. Like Now.

Lastly is a project that I’m currently involved in. I can’t embed the videos just yet, but if you’re at all curious then check it out by clicking the picture below.

Lastly at the request of a lot of people lately, I’m going to start trickling out the remaining WALE’s I’ve accumulated since last updating the site in December. I’ll probably upload one a day until they’re gone, so enjoy them while they last. That or encourage people to keep adding to it.

See you next time.

Make the Call Challenge

2010-09-21T12:11:00.001-07:00

OK, so I’m posting a challenge today that can win you $50 dollars. That’s right real money. The kind of amount that gets you two whole tanks of gas AND enough left over for a pack of gum.

This is my friend Justin.

This is my friend Justin’s phone number.

He is the world’s worst person to telephone. Tom Cruise and his Impossible Mission Force (SEE: Scientology) wouldn’t be able to get a hold of this guy if the fate of the universe depended on it.

Me? I can’t even just go get tacos with the guy.

So here’s the challenge. You have until 11:59 PM September 21st, 2010 to get a hold of this guy. You can talk about the weather, ask him out on a date, or invite him to go get tacos (I expect to be included in this).

If you are the first person whose call he takes, you get $50 USD. (I say that in case you are from England and try to trick me into paying you 50 pounds.)Check the video out of me at the bottom of the blog for more.

THE RULES

1. You must video-record yourself calling him and have it uploaded to Facebook, You Tube, etc. BEFORE the deadline. Late submissions will not count.

1 ½. The call must be on speaker phone. I want to know what you talk about.

2. There is no limit to how many times you can call. Bug him as much as you like, if you think it will increase your chances, by all means.

3. NO leaving voicemails. It is not the intention of this to clutter up his inbox.

3. For those of you who know this gentleman, you CANNOT use any other means to get a hold of him first. That means no text messaging, social networks, emails, calling other phone lines, smoke signals or going to his house and saying hi. I will verify with the man (once I can get a hold of him) if there was any Tom Foolery.

4. Cheating in any other way that I cannot foresee will not be tolerated.

5. If you intend to participate, please e-mail me your address so that if you win I can mail you your winning prize. redheadcrusader@gmail.com

6. If you are or have been something other than platonic with him, you are not eligible as he might actually care about your call.

So that’s it. Let’s keep this fair and clean and I’m excited to see the videos and see if he actually answers the call.

GOOD LUCK.

I'm all about those words.

2010-09-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing the kind of power that words have.

They have the power to mend wounds, cripple dreams and make math problems very complicated.

I say that because last Friday, as a joke, I instigated a test in a friend’s personal life. You see, she was complaining about her current man-thing being a little obsessed about her every action. I don’t know if it was as detailed as far as in deciding whether to play it safe and eat the oatmeal or live dangerously and go far the bagel, but he seemed to have his fingers dipped in all her current affairs.

So, me being me, I stressed a point. I went on my phone's facebook and "liked" said friends last four wall posts, made nice and appropriate comments about her last few profile pictures and then thanked her for coming out to dinner.

All true stuff. None of it should have been taken as anything other than compliments. This all took a matter of five minutes or so, (T-Mobile 3G is a joke) and within five minutes of that, my friend received a text message from her beau saying she was a liar and that they were splitsville.

It literally happened just like that.

For a second, I thought I had crossed that immoral line of home-wrecking at the expense of a prank. Luckily, the friend has a better sense of humor than me and was laughing within minutes and sharing the story around the table. I felt vindicated and a little drunk with power, but deep down it reminded me that once we say something, it can’t be taken back.

So I’d like to say one last thing to my friend, who’s one of three self-proclaimed avid viewers of my blog, it’s his loss, not yours. You go girl.

This of course got me thinking about other things that should just never really be said.

Weight. Let’s face it, every man in the world dreads the inevitability of getting asked, “Does this make me look fat?” If you’re like me your smart and just shut your trap and start pretending you’re choking.

Ugly babies. They’re out there, and they’re not going anywhere guys. And while we all know that it’s not right to tell some couple and the sum of their love is comparable to something you would wash away with your garden hose that doesn’t make it right. However, what you might not realize is that you should also never tell your significant other that either. They will think you unfit for parenting and hold a mental grudge against your insensitivity. Just bury that one deep down.

A poorly cooked anything. Remember that saying, it’s the thought that counts? Well, the last time I checked thoughts aren’t edible and they definitely don’t stave hunger pains. But just know that if you spurn someone’s cooking you never know what you may get the next time if anything at all. It’s best that if you are being forced to chow down on something that you can’t keep down to go back to the first rule and start pretending you’re choking.

Driving. I have two rules about driving. If I’m at the wheel deal with it. If you’re in the front passenger seat, you’re in charge of the radio unless I tell you I really like that song. Rather than tell me what I’m doing wrong/missing/generally failing at, get proactive and take charge yourself. No one should be critiqued while driving a 6,000 pound object at a speed that can squish you flatter than a pancake at the flick of a wrist.

Politics. We are a diverse melting pot. That being said, it’s smart to just agree to disagree. Unless you follow the O’Hannbraughbeck. Then you’re just wrong.

And stupid.

Speaking of words though, I leave you all with something very dear to me. In a sincere request for a farcical retort to the recent Glenn Beck rally, the efforts of Restore Truthiness have gained traction.

The Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive is now happening this October 30th, 2010 at the National Mall. I really want to go, but don’t see that as a possibility because it’s frankly a lot sooner than I would like and it’s in DC and it’s the night before Halloween.

I have high hopes for this event because I just want to be validated that there are more rational, comic-minded people out there than the spooked mindless sheep that always seem to garner media attention.

Click the appropriate banner below to enjoy the videos.

Stay tuned for my own big announcement tomorrow! You don't want to miss it!

Mobile Thoughts

2010-09-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I'm blogging from my phone again so enjoy all the spelling errors that are sure to ensue.

I just wanted to write this down now and get it off my chest before it defuses and becomes irrelevenat later.

So today is my first "real" day back for work in over a week. I ended up getting terribly sick resulting in me fighting a losing battle and getting strept throat. It was so bad that someone inquired if I had been chain smoking for the last 10 years straight.

In an ironic twist, the incapacitation left me stuck in bed and with perfect timing to play Halo Reach all day for the last 3 days. I'll write more on that in the days to come.

For now let's just say I've been trying to get back into the right mood set of work here on my first day back.

Jumping to the moon might be easier.

I just can't do it. The reason being that they asked me to go visit one of the crappier stores today. One off sepulveda and irwin in van nuys. The reason it's crappy isn't the area (although it certainly doesn't help). It's the incompetent management and the fact that the person doesn't want to fix things.

It just makes it really difficult to find traction on wanting to help out when all I really am is a pack mule doing a ton of heavy duty work. I'm all about being a team player, but when someone making more than me but doing less than me exists (SEE: Capitalist America) it's just a deep wound. When I start thinking down that road, the sum of being an employee versus working for myself just gets rather encumbersome.

I'm so tired of it.

Quickie but a Goodie

2010-09-13T19:21:00.001-07:00

I've been super sick the last few days so I'm going to summarize the point of today's blog in two words.

See you in a few days space cowboys.

Epidemic

2010-09-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

We have a serious problem America.

It’s bigger than terrorism, it impacts more people than the economy and like carbon monoxide, you’d never know it was around you until it was too late.

It’s no joke. According to my sources (SEE: Cha Cha) roughly 4% of America or 12 million for those of you who can’t do math still have not done the dirty deed. It gets better. About 30% of women, who are 18 years old, are virgins. By age 19, only 19% of women are virgins and by 24 only 8% are virgins. It’s true.

So what do we do about it? First, we acknowledge that there are virgins all around us and get them help.

This ad is no joke people. The number is real. Dial (888) 743-4335. It’s automated so you need to give it a call, (even if you’re not a virgin it’s just funny as hell). The only confusing thing about the ad is that I’m not sure if they mean to help the virgins out there by helping rectify the problem (SEE: Escort Service) or console them into believing everything is perfectly alright (SEE: Suicide Hotline).

All I know is that information is power and it’s time we be on the look out for these virgins so we can help them.

How to Spot a Virgin:

Spotting a virgin is easy when broken down into the two qualifying categories (three for the ladies).

Men’s Appearance:

Like most mammals in the animal kingdom, when a male selects a mate, he will decorate himself to make the ladies swoon. Some animals groom themselves, others show off elaborate plumage.

Men are no different and spotting one is no challenge. Virgins tend to be universally weak with very little muscle mass. They can be any shape or size but tend to be both pale and scrawny or fat asses. Other indicators are the way they accessorize. Thick-framed glasses, net books inside European messenger satchels (SEE: Purses), pocket protectors and asthma inhalers are all plain hints that the word fornication has escaped these people.

Be careful associating fanny packs in this category. While somewhat embarrassing, they are a favorite of off-duty policemen to carry their guns and are currently blowing up in Australia as the next big retro comeback.

Men’s Behaviors:

If the appearance has you on the fence, behavior will be the deal sealer. Most virgins do not know how to function in a world outside of their Massively Mulitplayer Online Role Playing Games or MMORPG (SEE: World of Warcraft).

The term “ice-breaker” will be unfamiliar with these people as they will talk about things completely irrelevant to getting towards their long-term goals (SEE: Consummation). They usually exhibit poor motor coordination outside of the arcade and are incredibly timid and passive.

In the unlikely hood of a woman showing interest, they usually clam up and stumble across words to only then make up for it by buying them a bunch of stuff. A virgin is like a credit card with no spending limit.

They likely still live at home with their parents. Depending on the age of the virgin, they may have been exiled to the guest house or basement.*

Typically their social life consists of conventions, so if you find yourself at one, you have entered the proverbial “lion’s den.” You might want to ask yourself exactly why you are there.

An example of a virgin would be FOX News Reporter Tucker Carlson. Judging by his bow tie (deemed appropriate only at fancy balls and shindigs), lack of rhetoric in conversation and the gut-feeling he still lives with his folks, he was standard definition of nerds until just recently when he discovered the tie and FOX moved him from unpaid intern to a real position.

Female Virgins:

Appearance:

As with the males, women that are still virgins tend to usually be “fugly.” Like men, they come in all shapes and sizes but prefer the color black as it either slims them down or scares men into believing that they worship the Satan. If they’re wearing a sweater in the middle of summer, this is considered a bad sign.

One factor that varies for women is hair quotient. Sometimes this is simple that their hair is in their face obscuring their looks. Other times there is hair ON their face. Moustaches, beards, arm hair thick enough to look like water wings are all deterrents in the fixing their virgin status.

Behavior:

Some virgins are super attractive but hold off on taking the plunge due to abstinence (SEE: Jonas Brothers Cult) or have decided to wait by carrying with them various tools to repel men until they feel ready (SEE: Bible).

With the exception of those selective few, most women mimic the same trends as their male colleagues in that they couldn’t talk their way out of a paper bag. The reason they can’t figure this out is usually do to the lack of knowing the correct body language (Extend chest out while talking).

Following that, usually the only girls left are the ones that believe themselves fiercely independent where sex objectifies and degrades women. Refusing to conform and jump on the skanky band wagon, they take a rigid stance on the other side of the spectrum and invoke celibacy and decree sex immoral. These women later become lawyers, PE instructors and nuns.

Anatomy:

Finally, a girl can be determined a virgin by the indication of her hymen being broken. It is, however, very unlikely that a girl would show you her hymen as evidence and asking is also ill-advised as a slap across the questioner’s face may occur.

In conclusion, now that you have learned several of the outliers that will help you determine a virgin, it is your job to give them the above phone number and help them.

We all have to start somewhere.

Oh and in other good news, that whole burning Quran Day thing? It's been moved to a TBD kind of thing so for now we're all back to hugs and kisses right?

I guess not.

* It should be noted that, while accurate there are situations in life that must be factored into the basement/guest house equation such as loss of job, loss of residency, or loss of pride.

DATES

2010-09-07T09:23:00.001-07:00

As we creep over the hill into the later half of the year and I turn my awesome Dr. Horrible calendar to the right month (it was a few behind), I find myself starting to reserve some important days as well as scratch my head at the decision of other people for their own important dates.

August 28th, 2010 Martin Luther King’s… Glenn Beck Day

It’s no coincidence that the most recent right-winged nut job to join the collection of the O’Hannbaugh decided to piggy back a day revered for changing America as his platform to spew his baloney to the masses.

THE O'HANNBAUGH

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20014993-503544.html?tag=mncol;lst;9

The scary thing is, over 87,000 people turned out for this. Beck was hoping for around 300,000 but regardless, the fact that that many absent-minded sheep followed him is a disturbing sign that people are willing to be spoon fed anything.

We don’t need the government to tell us how to live our lives and we don’t need FOX News commentators (I refuse to call any of them journalists) to do it either.

September 8th, 2010 Grindhouse

Tomorrow night is Machete at the Drive-in. It’s going to be legendary!

September 10th, 2010 Birfday Goodness

Jess is having a birthday party! She’s super cool and you should become her friend on Facebook so that way we can all party. She's a cool cat and has a badminton court. I know what you're thinking, why don't I go find some hip seniors and then I can play shuffle board and bridge while I'm at it, but Badminton is too legit to quit. Plus that little birdie that you bang around, it's professionally called a shuttlecock.

Yeah, I went there.

September 11th, 2010 International Burn a Kuran Day…. Wait what?

Are you freaking kidding me? Why is it, that when people feel threatened by a minority/fraction of a larger group of people that the only way to retaliate is by lashing out at the wrong side of the coin because it’s easier to do? Check out the interview here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05t17RNjGYA&feature=fvst

This is just plain stupid and it’s a shameful misrepresentation of America and the Muslim culture. I intend to light a candle for the tragedy and stay silent for a few hours out of respect. What a horrible way to taint an already even more horrible event.

Plus this whole nonsense is never going to stop until one side becomes the bigger person. I’m not saying I agree with Obama’s concept of “let’s be friends,” but by doing this we insult and tick off 1.5 billion Muslims let alone endangering all our troops in hostile areas and putting them further in harm’s way.

We built this country on the sense of practicing freedom in our everyday lives. I understand it’s your right to burn what you want, but I think this world would be in a much better place if we just tried to put ourselves in each others shoes just once a day.

This Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center should call the Westboro Baptists, maybe they can have a picnic together.

October 11th, 2010 Super Secret Surprise for Two!

You don’t get to know about this one, I just wanted to rub it in your face that it will be AWESOME.

October 17th, 2010 Insanity

The Germans have Oktoberfest and we have… a bunch of people drinking around a keg in the woods. Theirs is a month long. Ours is one weekend. Sure it doesn’t have the pizzazz or event coordination of that thing they do over there, but hey, if you want to have fun and hang out with me and some of the funniest people on the planet, RSVP ASAP.

October 23rd 2010 Brave New World Zombie Walk

Last year’s Zombie invasion of downtown Newhall was almost last minute and it didn’t get enough hype fast enough. This year, they and I are pulling out all the stops. For donating just one can of food (but you better bring a dozen you louse!) you get to be corpsified, and then moan and drag your dead-self to the Newhall Park’s version of Frightfest. I mean what’s not to love?

November 13th, 2010 Thanksweenie

Oh yeah, five years running, the greatest made up but really real holiday returns. As usual, seating is limited so start impressing (SEE:Bribe) for a spot at this delicious banquet of food. Rumor has it that they’re will either be a an arts and craft masquerade project and/or a jumper. Did I mention the Turducken?

Damn straight.

December 10th, 2010 Birthday She BANG!

So I’m trying to decide what to do for this year’s birthday. I already have next years set for the lucky other 11 that decide to join me, (can we say renting a blimp?) so I’m not sure yet what to do. I don’t know what kind of a budget I’ll be on, but I’m still hovering towards the idea of renting Landshark (not the beer) or renting out The Pearl motel in San Diego and having a soiree. Notice I said soiree and not party because when you do something that classy, party just doesn’t fit the mold.

Oh and TRON: Legacy comes out.

Add Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas to it and it kind of makes me feel all gooey inside.

Gross.

Commercials and the Things We See

2010-09-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

When it comes to commercials, you either love them or hate them.

You love them when it’s time for the Super Bowl and when you really need to go get a drink or use the bathroom. Otherwise you hate them.

There are those rare polished gems though. Here are some below that almost make you willing to watch commercials for the sake of watching them.

The Nokia Cat:

Outback Steakhouse

Double Rainbows all the Way

If you didn’t understand that last one, you’ve been hiding under a rock. Go check out Double Rainbows.

Moving along, the reason I’m doing all this is because I went down a nostalgic tangent a few weeks ago and started watching old classic power rangers VHS tapes my grandmother had recorded for me when I was a wee pup.

I enjoyed watching them because as a kid, Power Rangers was my whole world. It was flawlessly simple and perfect in that teamwork and good would always rule the day.

As I look at it now, I see terrible acting, the fact that the Black Ranger was missing an entire finger (SEE: Amputation), horrible fighting choreography that resulted in half the punches never even connecting, and costumes with zippers so obvious they’re like the safety seal on a GLAD freezer bag.

The funny part is that since this was before the time of TiVo, DVR, and box sets, I got all the commercials that came with it. It’s amazing to watch how far along toys have come. We’ve evolved from dolls that giggle and pee themselves to practical robots. My favorite commercial had to be the Jurassic Park commercial. I only have a screenshot but from it one thing is clear:

Jeff Goldblum is a holding a HUGE gun ready to take on some bad dinos. This must be the single reason he landed the job for Independence Day.

Then a few nights ago, a commercial came on for www.rescueanimalsnow.org. In it they showed the same things those other outreach humane society programs show, but what caught my attention was at the end of the commercial. As everything climaxed into begging for my support, a man came up from behind a baby seal, he raised a large club and swung down (in slow-motion mind you) and just as the strike was about to connect it faded to black.

I tried to find the commercial, but alas no one has posted in on YouTube. So instead I put a picture of what they call the Great Canadian Seal Hunt. There’s a video down below of it and if you’re squeamish, maybe you should pass. It’s really rather tragic and I’m not sure why I’ve always talked about the topic as a comic event.

It just goes to show you there are a lot of things wrong with this world.

To prove the point further, the link below has the most messed up thing I have seen in a long time. (It’s not pornographic, but it is sadly disturbing) It’s so messed up that Director Michael Bay has offered a $50,000.00 reward for information on the woman in the video’s capture.
I hate to find myself agreeing with that pyromaniac for once in my life.

http://blubbaproductions.com/girl-throws-puppies-in-river.html

The funny thing is, that not all the marketing we are exposed to comes from commercials. They are the ones like that high-school jock that demands you're attention. But there are other slippery players like these viral videos that tell marketers exactly what we are looking for. All in all, it's just disappointingly amazing what today's society can be exposed to with the click of a mouse.

CIAO

Some Quick Thoughts

2010-09-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hey all. I have to be quick here as I need to leave for work in 10 minutes and I just have some things I need to get off my chest. Apologies for the bulletin style delivery.

Racism

What the hell is with racism still being active outside the deep woods of the South? I thought we had kind of moved on from this topic by now or at least kept it so close to the chest that we never let it out.

Anyways, here’s the gist. A year ago, an employee of my mother’s accused her and the surgery center she worked at of being racist because they made her do all the typing and heavy lifting which degraded her as a woman of color.

The center had to choose how to handle the situation carefully and because they didn’t act to my mom’s liking, she ended up quitting. A few months later the assistant filed a lawsuit.

My mom is a lot of things, but she’s not a racist. Like me, she might not like the amount of “Spanish influence” that has crept across our borders, but I don’t blame her. Spanish advertising in anyway always boils my blood.

No, my mother is just a slave driver (no pun intended) when it comes to what she expects out of her job and her subordinates and frankly it sounds like this woman couldn’t cut it.

Regardless, they just came out of trial, and the woman was awarded $100,000 for defamation of character.

Luckily, my mom being a conspiracy theorist, always protects herself and when she brought in all the documentation, the plaintiff’s reward was reduced from $300,000 to the “measly” $100,000.

All in all, I though this kind of stuff ended after that guy spilled McDonald’s coffee on his junk. It’s just more examples of a system in dire need of an overhaul.

In the Navy

Why do we give discounts to active military people? I’m not trying to sound disrespectful or rude, but I think we give far too much to those we already give a lot too. If you’ve read my blog you know my understanding that our military isn’t conscription based. It’s VOLUNTARY. While it’s tragic when our men and women die, they know what they signed up for.

So why do we, as the tax-payers who bankroll their jobs, give them a break on everything else?

I mean think about. Their cost of living is subsidized in the sense that they have no cost expenditures outside of things like iPods, computers and a night out on the town. They live on base, they eat food prepared for them and while in combat they get paid even more, plus it’s not like they can spend any of that money while they’re deployed. So why do we give them 5-15% off.

It’s nonsense if you ask me.

Electronic Disharmonic

My mom’s LCD TV broke last night and she’s been a riot of anger since it happen. I mean I was pretty ticked when my box broke (I’m just shipping it out today! Ugh!) but I was nowhere as livid when her tivo’d soap operas went down for the count.

I mean she was ready to have me go buy a new TV, Johnny on the spot. I don’t know who Johnny is, but I told her at least let me see if it can be fixed.

It turns out Phillips TVs have a huge problem with power regulation and that once they “go,” it’s a roll of the dice if they can be saved. I’m going to test some stuff out when I get home, but I’m disappointed in the lack of quality that America has measured the standard shelf live of being.

One-year warranty? Nothing ever goes wrong in one year. It breaks the first few days (SEE: Defective) or it breaks from wear and tear later down the road. However, later down the road to me is not two years. When you invest something like $1,500.00 in a product, later down the road should be 5-10 years. I mean if you think about it. That 1,500 smackaroos averaged us about $70.00 a month just to have. That’s not a good deal at all.

It makes me wish COSCO still had its lifetime warranty. But all good things must come to and end.

Anywhoo, I’m going to check into seeing if there is anything that can be done to fix it. It’s something wrong with the power supply, so any of you smart peeps out there can feel free to drop advice if you have any.

ADIOS

Oh and one last thing, I ordered pizza for the family last night, and it showed up a hour and thirty minutes later. It was an hour later. When I called the guy to ask what was going on, he put me on hold for 9 minutes before I hung up. I fully intend to complain to his manager tomorrow when the guy comes in, but what should I ask for? Needless to say, I doubt I’ll be using that Pizza Hut anytime soon.

Oh and here’s a video I pulled from my files. It’s dated, but it always makes me smile.

The Past, Present and Future

2010-08-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Back to the Future 2

First and foremost it should be noted that while BTTF deserves to be watched in its entire trilogy form, I found my family had already watched the first one the night previously so I jumped the gun and got right into the second one.

The second should be that Christopher Lloyd is uncle to this guy and I’m disappointed I didn’t figure it out sooner.

Doc Brown is the uncle to Ted Buckland from Scrubs. Go figure.

As with the other two movies, the thing that makes this film so unique and fun is that it is rare to see the science-fiction comedy. Most are about alien invasions, viruses, killer robots, but this one is just good clean humor and in my opinion one of the harder things to do in keeping continuity. I mean going back to 1955 twice? That’s deep.

The film is a must and should be considered up there with the other two mainstay trilogies, the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones (Sorry Lord of the Rings, but with your extended editions, your films turn into a sexology. I mean come on 683 minutes? Yikes)

I only had one problem with the film. If Old Biff goes back in time to give himself the almanac, then when he got back, shouldn’t he have gone down the alternate timeline and therefore stranded Marty and the Doc in 2015 with no Delorean? It makes you wonder.

Other than that hiccup, I’m just waiting five more years for this hover conversion thing to happen.

Stay tune as I lay down my design ideas for LEGO: Back to the Future. (Awesome, right?)

Pirhana 3D

This week I went and dropped down some money to go see Pirhana 3D. It came highly recommended and its cult-based remake status made me figure it was worth the extra expense. *

What I thought I would getting would be man vs fish and I did for the 15 seconds Ving Rhames threw down.

What I actually got was a taste of my first 3D porn oh and Christopher Lloyd (not together, although that puts him 2 for 2 this week). Seriously, that's all it was. A bunch of boobies and something about man-eating fish. I know a lot of slashers will put the topless girl in there as almost a shout out to the genre or other gimmick but this was over the top. I think you see a nipple every 3 minutes.

It was so bad, that the ushers, having spotted some kids who had snuck in kicked the kids out and made the mom who had went in to see another movie forcibly watch it with them so she knew what she was exposing them to. (Way to go Regal!)
The sad thing is, the movie could have been really good all on its own without the smut. I kept hoping for it to turn a corner that never came and it ended on such a random note I just sat there scratching my head.

I know Eli Roth produced but I'm almost more curious if Ron Jeremy or Larry Flint were involved as well.

My recommendation? Wait for it to come out to rent or even better, go gnab the original. 70s slashers had something today's can't compete with.

Class.

That is of course, unless you really need to see Jeremy O'Connels penis on the big screen and in 3D. Then by all means, this movie's for you.

TRON Legacy

I've been pumped about this movie for a while now and all I can say is that it is going to rock faces. While Jeff Bridges can't do the action sequences all that well (Iron Man anyone?) There's so much other stuf going on that I know this will be awesome.

You've got amazing CGI, just a wickedly cool theme with a much darker plot and to top it off, Daft Punk is doing the entire soundtrack.

That's a whole lot of win if you ask me. Now if only Christoper Lloyd had a part in it.

On side notes of worth mention, it should be told that I'm a bit surprised in the Avatar "Special Edition." I really am curious to see how well this does and secretly want it to fall on its face. I hate when studios hold back on deleted scenes and edited film to do re-releases. Star Wars is the king supreme and Lord of the Rings isn't too far behind. Ad we're suckers all the same EVERYTIME.

Lastly, I intend to see Robert Rodriguez's new Machete at the Mission Tiki Drive-In. It's probably the best way to enjoy this cinematic nugget. Any takers? Let me know and just check out Mission Tiki because you should.

Also with the new Halo releasing so soon, of course they're going to release some sweet-looking teaser. What surprised me was apparently Sprint wants to captilize on this for themselves with the commericial at the bottom. See any similiarities? I smell a lawsuit.

Now look at this.

*It is recommended to save on the 3D movies that you save a pair of glasses and buy a ticket for another show at the same time. That extra four dollars can get you a popcorn or a soda pop. For reals.

Yuck.

2010-08-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

I need to clear up the air here with a few key items. I haven’t won the lottery. Spiders have invaded my home.

The former I’m sure doesn’t surprise you. Someone the other day told me I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. I asked them if my chances of singing Oingo Boingo’s Dead Man’s Party would further increase my chances, but they didn’t seem to understand my cleverness so the conversation rolled on.

But seriously, spiders. They’re EVERYWHERE. There’s so many that I think I have a nest somewhere in my room or outside in the hallway. Here’s my journal of spotted creepy crawlies.

Spider Log

I found my first spider today just hanging out on the wall above my bed as if showing off he knows where I sleep. That won’t do at all. I rescue him and deport him like an illegal Mexican.

His brother must not have liked the recent deportation because the next one was waiting for me right above the light switch panel early in the morning while it was still dark. I’m no proud to say I panicked and retreated back on my heels. Being naked and getting ready to take a shower I felt too vulnerable to offer him the same exile so I got a bunch of tissue and committed cold-blooded murder.

Where are these spiders coming from? The next one was chilling inside my laundry (specifically my undies) while sorting clothes for the laundry. The worst part? I couldn’t get at him at first because he kept burrowing deeper and deeper into my unmentionables. This resulted in me flinging each article of clothing through the air into the hall until I could locate the stowaway and kill him.

Spotted one on the wall above the TV in the living room. Boom goes the dynamite.

I see one high up on our loft ceilings. He knows he is safe up there as I can’t do anything to stop him. Who in the world decided it was smart to have such high, untouchable ceilings. Curses.

Ok I’m about to call it quits. While moving my travel bag I uncovered a spider just a little shy of the size of a roll of quarters. What the heck is going on? I’m not even thinking about touching this one. I run off and ask pops to kill it. He offers it mercy and I stand there trying to convince him that he doesn’t understand what I’ve done to his family and that’ll he back. Many sleepless nights to come.

Another spider in my hamper! I shriek and stomp down so hard I threaten to put a hole in the floor. I’m about to call a fumigator, put a tent up and kill anything still alive inside.

So far that’s about it, but those are just the ones I can catch. I don’t even want to imagine what’s going on with the ones that stay lurking in the shadows. The sad part is, the most sound night of sleeping
I had was this one when we camped in the backyard.

My mom says they’re coming in to escape the heat, but I say they’re just a bunch of bums who need to get jobs and not live in my house.

THE END?

P.S. While he’s not a creepy crawly, we did find this HUGE caterpillar eating one of our tomatoes. This thing is massive.

P.P.S.

The funniest most ridiculous thing to ever come from Nickelodeon. You should have moved on this when you had the chance. Cartoon Network is laughing all the way to the bank.

2010-08-25T12:03:00.001-07:00

“I’m on a Boat!” –Andy Samberg

Those are the words I’ll hopefully have the distinguished pleasure of singing in roughly seven months.

I’ve been on everything else, planes, trains and automobiles but I’ve never taken a cruise. I’ve always wanted too, but they are expensive affairs and I’m not one to party alone so it’s been difficult to find someone with either the money, time or actual desire to want to take a spin on the high seas.

The cruise is a 4-day through the Caribbean. It leaves from Miami to the Turks before coming back. Pretty standard.

However, you guys know me and my flair for the unique and I’m excited to say that this time will be no different.

You see, there’s this band that goes by the name 311. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. They like to celebrate bi-yearly on March 11th, (hence the 3/11) and it usually draws huge crowds of dedicated fans.

However, 2011 is an off year for the tour so to do something truly special in honor of the entire month of March in the year 2011 they are doing a once-in-a-lifetime gig by partying for four days on a Carnival cruise liner and those lucky enough to get invited our partying with them.

Honestly, it almost feels like a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of chance.

I’m pretty stoked.
I’m also pretty freaked out. The site’s registry the initial day of the pre-sale crashed. To complicate things further, after we registered the following day, some of the cabins were already booked. People who know people always get further ahead in life it seems.
Furthermore, we registered exactly 6 seconds after the presale began and our confirmation date is almost an entire day behind people. Today people are already booking their rooms and we have wait for our “invited” time slot tomorrow at 12pm. It makes me want to punch someone in the face.
Either way, I know I’ll get on the cruise, it’s just a matter of how much it’s going to cost. If it ends up costing too much, then we’ll have to road trip out to save on airline costs. I’m actually for this to begin with because I’ve always wanted to take a road trip across the continental US and being on the only freeway that’s transcontinental should make the trip a breeze.

There’s really only one flaw in the trip and that’s me. I’ve never been one to complain a lot about the way I look. I’m not in Daniel Craig/Taylor Lautner shape, but I’m fit enough to run around and glisten (AKA sweat) more than others. But for this trip, I’d really like to be able to take my shirt off and be completely comfortable around other people. I’ve already got issues with the sun so if I could really use the boost in confidence of being toned up a bit.

What I'm trying to look like. Minus the tan and guido hair.

I figure I have seven months which should be more than enough time. I’m not looking to get into crazy shape so I just have to set some of the following ground rules and stick to them in an operation I call FATTITUDE.

OPERATION FATTITUDE:

1. No more Sodas or anything consisting of a high sugar/carb intake. That means Gatorades have to go too. (Technically they’re really bad for you and I just heard vitamin water is getting forced to renounce it’s title as a water.)

2. No more fast food. This processed food will be the death of us all. Plus there are cheap quick fixings to be had in the local grocery stores. FYI Subway is just as bad if you don't eat it correctly. Like a $5 footlong is really what our bodies need. I do need some downtime so that I don't end up just giving up so I'm going to allow myself to "cheat" and have In-N-Out once a week. (We all have our vices)

3. No more drinking alcohol. I know what you’re thinking. It’s me. It can’t be done. But I crunched some numbers and this one’s a killer to my plans and if it’s between giving this or dairy products up, well I mean come on, I’m not stupid. I will miss the Beir Academy though as just when I find something great I have to let it go. I’m still going to allow myself to partake in hard liquor on hallowed events like Thanksweenie, Insanity and my birthday. It’ll be a hoot to see if I revert back to a lightweight.

4. I need to work out at least 3 times a week. This will be just as hard as no booze because I lack the time and effort to want to go. But if I’m going to pay almost $1,000 smackaroos to do this, then it’s time to get serious.
I’ve been looking for motivation for the last two or three years so now’s the moment of opportunity.

It’s fat dying time.

Wish me luck, more on this and more as it happens.
Ciao.

Oh, one last thing. I’ve been listening to this band called Iron and Wine a lot thanks to their introduction by Mike and Jess. They really rock. The video has nothing to do with the music, but it was the best quality I could find. Still, the video is a trip in and of itself.

Worst. Day. Ever.

2010-08-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how people like Adam Corolla, Dennis Leary and Lewis Black exist because I find it impossible to be witty or creative when imbued by such negativity.

Today is one of those days I guess.

No, scratch that. Today is not good at all. My special edition Halo (I add that to build my own clout you see) Xbox 360 succumbed to what 70% of Xbox 360 owners have had to deal with:

The Red Ring of Death.

It’s been such a huge controversy over the years that apparently they’ve secretly extended the shelf life of their system warranties all the way through to the end of this year. I guess the buck stopped at the Elite and new slim version.

So I’ve got that going for me in the fact that I don’t have to pay anything for it. However, I do face another dilemma in part to the upcoming release of the next Halo system. You see, the free repair and turnover takes anywhere of 5-8 weeks and Halo: Reach releases in a mere two. Someone up high is laughing at the irony.

I sure as hell am not.

Adding insult to injury, I never realized how much I used my Xbox for things other than games these days. It was my DVD player. It was my Netflix account. It was every piece of digital media I had… acquired over the last few years. In essence it was my portal to entertainment far above what your average 9-year-old uses it for.

Now it’s just a rectangular spot on my cabinet where the wood doesn’t match the rest of the sun-bleached top. It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss it, like a child whose lollipop has been taken away.

This is going to be a rough five weeks. Anyone need a wingman for Co-Op when the new game comes out? I’m your Spartan.

Damn you Bill Gates.

The Past, Present and Future

2010-08-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

Three Amigos

When people think Saturday Night Live movies, they think Anchorman, Hot Rod, Night at the Roxbury. But what people forget is that Lorne Michaels was in the movie business long before Tommy Boy and the rest of its consorts.

Three Amigos was one of those movies that just got it all right. It’s the tale of three out-of-work actors who after misinterpreting the definition of “infamous,” find themselves in an all out death match with Mexico’s worst banditos.

The movie borrows a lot from legendary films like Seven Samurai and just about every John Wayne film ever made, but what it might lack in originality it more than makes up for in original comedy.

It’s a great film from a forgotten genre and reminds us that the bedazzler actually existed a long time ago when it was OK for men to walk around saloons and do dance numbers. Just remember, that if you ever play a drinking game around this movie, don’t make one of the rules every time a gun gets fired or every time you see a cactus. That’s just plain evil.

Step-Up 3D

Ok first off, slow your roll. Yes, I saw this movie. And YES, I wanted to see this movie.

Of course you’re allowed to ask why.

I really enjoy watching people do things that I never can, it’s a form of admiration. Dancing, as ludicrous as it can be at times is something very entertaining. I always catch myself getting entranced by street performers in Santa Monica whenever I’m down there.

Sadly, I wish I had spent my hard-earned money on them instead of the waste of time that was Step-Up 3D.

I mean I thought I was bracing myself for disappointment. These movies have never exactly had what normal society would call a plot, but as long as there was momentum carrying each scene forward until the next dance-off, I could live with that.

For the third installment, you just want to break its legs ala Misery and hope it never has the will to get up ever again. And I don’t mean the kind of breaking where you spin on your head.

It was just bad. The 3D was lukewarm, rather than having choreography built around it, it was saved for stupid moments like popping bubbles in the park or blowing juice drinks through steam vents. Laser Cats 3D had better effects.

I guess the worst part was that it just felt like a copy of the much better sequel. The nerdy Moose was the only thing that saved the film and I went through most of the movie wondering if they hired the same girl from the 2nd film to play a completely different character in the new installment. I mean they even copied the 2nd films water dance scene move for move it felt.

All in all, it was a shameful way to end the series (I hope it’s over after this) and I find myself wanting to go watch the 2nd one again.

If I ever hear anyone say they were born from a boombox (BFAB) expect a punch in your throat.

Ghost Rider 2

Nick Cage announced on some late night talk show that they were gearing up to shoot the sequel to his 2007 lackluster movie. I think there were less people than Americans who actively watch Soccer that cared.

You would think by now that the people who make these films have an understanding of what consumers expect from these superhero flicks. There’s the good side of the Iron Man series, the first Two Spider-Mans, The Batman films, the first two X-men, then there’s the bad side consisting of Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry (AKA X3) Wolverine, the first Hulk movie, Daredevil/Elektra, Fantastic Four, Superman, Punisher with David Hasselhoff’s Nick Fury movie in a somewhat gray area. (I mean the Hoff wore a denim tuxedo the whole film, you have to respect that.)

I’m not against them making more, but lets do a reboot with new people. When the same people try to go for the sequel, they’ve already alienated the audience and are not going to get the kind of revenue and brand appeal that they need. I’m sorry Nick, I loved you in the Rock, but let’s just remember the good times and call it a day.

Winners and Losers

2010-08-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Someone told me the other day that you should never give a Narwhal a library card.

I still don’t know what that means or exactly how it’s an ice-breaker, but it certainly has you thinking doesn’t it? I’m trying to get back in the habit of blogging daily (Vanessa if I can do this for 2 weeks straight it’s your turn), but it becomes really difficult when I work the hours I work. It’s depressing in that sense that I literally don’t have any free time in the day to where I can just ponder about why things are the way they are.

Is that what it means to be grown up?

Clearing my head seems like a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible right now. I’m frustrated with my job (what’s new). We’re the 17th biggest company on the fortune 500 and we’re DOWNSIZING. I mean come on? Take into account that not only have people been laid off and terminated, but now it just means more work for us in an already overly stressed environment.

Honestly, this was not the gig I though I would be signing up for. I really don’t want to even talk more on the subject, but let’s just say I’m currently job searching.

In other news, I got an interesting present in the mail. Have you ever received those pre-made mailing address stickers? Not that I mail too much stuff out but now I have labels with bears, trout, wolves, and the American flag. The disabled verteran’s association sent it out as a sort of fund raiser.

They even gave me a nickel to mail back to them.

Now of course, I’m going to mail back more than that nickel and I thought of a clever way of killing two birds with one stone. I recently rediscovered how much I love to gamble and as of late have been doing the super lotto/mega millions. I mean you can’t win if you don’t play right?

The learning curve was a bit rough in spots. I accidentally bought one set of numbers 10 times so now I have the same ticket until October, but after ironing out the details I made a vow with the higher powers that be that if I won, I’d donate half of my winnings to a charity.

I won $3 dollars.

The irony doesn’t escape me and I intend to make good on my promise so I’m just going to take my entire winnings and donate them to this veteran’s fund.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Stagnation

2010-08-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

I used to have (and should continue to) a subscription to the Onion Newspaper. It’s quite possibly the greatest source of farcical news in printed format.

I remember an article a while back entitled “Everything Taking Too Long.” In it, people complained about the microwave not being as fast as it should be, a drive-thru taking precious extra minutes and pretty much everything mankind needed was getting in the way of what mankind wanted to be doing.

While I don’t disagree that the article maybe hit a little too close to home in this age of self-delusion and entitlement, I find there are times when things just take a little too long.

Take reading books as a key point. No not textbooks*, those awful things as insightful as they are give me the heebee jeebees.

I’m talking about the kind of book where you think it’ll be a great read and then you find yourself struggling and laboring to get through it. We’re talking about the kind of procrastination that makes doing your taxes look good.

The worst part is I’ve hit that with the last two books I’ve tried going through. Ask a friend and they’ll tell you that I can go through a book in 5 hours if I want, but my recent tackle, Boneshaker by Cherrie Priest might have been more painful than childbirth.

The annoying thing was the book promised so much. Airships, pirates, Steampunk and zombies. Instead, what it provided was a lot of random plots that loosely tied a besieged town together with no real meat and bones to it and a lackluster end. Worse the whole book was all about female empowerism. The rises and struggles of single parenthood. COME ON! I want brain-eating action and suspense out of my sci-fis.

Secondly, we come to my #2 author, Chuck Phalanuik’s latest tale in Tell-All. It’s an ambitious approach writing a screenplay format as a novel, but where it loses people is in the way it drops its adjectives and descriptions. If a normal person were to describe a cup of coffee as “hot,” Chuck goes through the excruciating effort of describing the same cup of coffee as catching Marilyn Monroe walking across a vent with her dress flying up.

That’s all fine and dandy considering most of the world knows who Monroe is, but he lists so many dang actors and actresses of a generation I completely missed out on that I’m reading IMDB.com more often than the pages of his book. It’s frustrating I tell you.

Either way, Boneshaker took me nearly six months to get through and if it wasn’t for the fact that there were times during a camping trip with nothing else to do, I might not have made it at all. It looks like Tell-All will be no different. Bullocks.

Has that ever happened to you?

I just bought my first Kindle book (more on that later) and I'm curious to finally take a crack at it. Hopefully it doesn't fall into the same kind of stagnation. To be warned I'm terrified of falling asleep on it and having a keyboard imprinted into my cheek or just breaking the dang thing.

I think there’s a couple of video games that I might have put on too hard of a difficulty setting and just said screw this too, I’m sure there’s more out there.

Ciao for now.

*Note I consider Great Expectations to be a textbook because it was what introduced me to the world of coffee. Not that I'm not grateful, but I had to read that book and do a summary chapter review the night before school started. All 50 gazillion chapters. Sure, I procrastinated, but still. That book is dead to me. I even almost gave up on Reading Rainbow. Almost.

Mr. Know It All

2010-08-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

I’d like to think I know everything.

Sometimes, I even tell myself I do. This of course is but a fleeting moment as seconds later I discover I’m probably even more stupid than I wanted to deny. Some people call this the male ego. I guess it’s funny that way that it has to be labeled as a gender-related trait. I mean who bit the apple first ladies? HMMM? I’m just saying.

As those of you who know me can attest, when new people meet me, they either think one of two things about me: I’m either extremely confident or impeccably arrogant/cocky. To me those seem as perfect synonyms for each other because to conclude that someone is arrogant, you really almost have to study them for more than a hot second.

I know people are all about first impressions, but do any of us ever actually take the time to be surprised by people?

For example, I’m the first guy to volunteer to ask for help. Whether my guns aren’t big enough to do some heavy lifting or I’m completely lost on my way to finding you some tampons, I readily defer to the person who knows more than me.

I guess I laugh about it because while in San Francisco a month back, my good comrade was literally appalled by the fact that I didn’t know what Haight and Ashbury was. I believe the comment I got was, “What the Hell, you’re the most worldly guy I know.”

I don’t know about worldly, I’ve only been to a few places outside the States and even then there’s a lot of room still to explore. I guess I just enjoy the oddity of storing random facts. I guess sometimes it comes off as pretentious to spill my little nuggets of information, but I only do it because I’m eager to share.

Enough epiphany for now. I’m in need of help.

I recently bough Starcraft 2 and to my dismay, my computer pretty much told me to go F myself. Apparently you have to have a machine capable of controlling the International Space Station or something to that degree. So I’m looking for a new laptop. I know desktops are traditionally where you go when you’re looking for a power rig, but I need to stay mobile for the next two-three years. It’s like having a house line when you use your cell phone. Sure, some people have that Magic Jack witchcraft, but who really has time for that?

While we’re on the topic of tech, I’m also looking for a nice tablet. Something cheap but durable.

Any thoughts anyone? Shoot me an e-mail so I know what to be looking for.

See you guys all soon!

Oh and I know the radio has been blowing these guys up as of late, but you really should check them out.

The Past, Present, and Future

2010-08-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

So as a new goal to write about something each week, I'm trying to take time to reflect on movies that are out now, have been around for a while and coming soon on the horizon.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I recently re-watched this film and let me tell you that if you haven't seen this flick, it's like saying you've never actually wanted a Superbird from Denny's at 3 in the morning after drinking. Come on.

The movie is remincesnt of Bad Santa in that it follows the hijinks and stumblings of a man whose lost his way and just trying to find his place in the world.

There's more than enough laughs, action and a pretty edgy and sensible detective noir wrapped up in this not quite polished albeit diamond in the rough. Plus watching Downey Jr. saunter through a random house under substance influence is disturbingly poetic. (Talk about method acting).

Did I mention Val Kilmer is gay in the film? Icing on the cake.

Inception

By now if you're smart enough you've already seen this movie in theaters to either avoid peer pressure or escape people posting about it on facebook and ruining it. (Seriously people, have you ever heard of spoilers?)

The movie to me was brilliantly shot with an amazing ensemble of actors. Chris Nolan brought back all his favorite people (just missing Heath Ledger for the most part) in a film that screamed the feel of his Batman series combined with a more realistic take on the Matrix series. You know, throw out the religous parallels.

What most people gripe about (if anything at all) is the non-cookie cutter hollywood ending that forces the viewer to make their own decision in the end.

Hands down this might be the best movie I've seen in the last few years.

Ghost Rider 2

Nick Cage announced this on one of the late night talk shows and only 2% of America cared. Seriously, that's a lower interest than our standings in the World Cup.

The problem with Ghost Rider (other than the lack of solid plot and a notable villain) is that the Ghost Rider is servant from Hell and let's face it, PG-13 can't cut that kind of demonic necessity.

I can't see this being anything worth watching and will probably join the Daredevil, Elektra, and Spider-Man 3 side of marvel flicks.

Oh well.

A thought about dynamic relationship Interchangibility

2010-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

Catchy title huh? Darn tooting it is.

People always tell me I have a penchant for catching the pecuilar. No, that's not a STD joke, but I always look at things different then people.

I guess you could say I'm weird like that.

Either way, I've been noticing something lately that has beginning to irk me.

You know that saying, "Nice guys finish last"? Well for the longest time I thought that had only one meaning: that the jerky jock would always rule the day.

But maybe there's more to it. It seems to me that gentlemen are suckers. Every. Time.

Think about it. You go on a date and its up the guy to do everything from getting creative with the entertainment to bank rolling the whole affair.

That's fine for all intent and purpose. But when does it change? How many times have the men of this world found themselves always paying for everything in a relationship past the opening courtship?

These aren't the 20s 30s or 50s. Women work just as hard as men do so why then has the culture of a man doing all the supporting not changed with all this newfound womens independence?

Sure some of the answers could be childish and obvious, but I'm looking deeper here. Have we always been blind to this or do most nice guys just not care?

World cup and movie times

2010-07-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry this one is week or so dated and gives a way a lot of spoilers. If you haven't seen Toy Story 3, the Book of Eli, or you have Tivo'd the entire World cup to watch when you have the time, then maybe divert your eyes until you've got the time.

World cup and movie times

So I had a rough day yesterday emotionally as I not only found out team usa lost their round in the world cup, but watched toy story at the same time.

To be fair, I'm glad I missed the soccer... sorry football match because at least I knew what I was in store for with toy story... or so I thought.

As always pixar hit another homerun out of the park. I'm to the point of believing these people can do no wrong.

What I wasn't expecting was the tragic finality of the movie. This was and will be the final movie and unlike the previous two, this one falls in the tail-end of their owner, andy's, life.

It was just sad and nostalgic to see what happens to our toys as we grow older and further apart.

I mean they didn't even have RC, etch a sketch, or bo peep in the last film at all. I mean bo peep? How are you going to do that to Woody pixar?

Regardless pixar played on the heartstrings relentlessly during the movie and while the ending was about the most positive one possible, it still made you feel horribly sad.

Thanks pixar for taking a play out of nicholas sparks' playbook. Jerks.

On top of that I rented movies from blockbuster last night. It was rough because I refuse to ever use a redbox but at the same time I felt like some soldier who lost the good fight and was living in an occupied country.

One thing I thought was really funny was that once hollywood video shut down, blockbuster suddenly reverted to having late fees. It just shows me what's in store for us as consumers if netflix ends up being the only kid left on the block. I see customers no longer enjoying the freedom of "unlimited" but measured increment fees like 1 dollar instant downloads.

The sad thing? No one will be able to stop them because as consumers, we did it to ourselves. I've heard of it labeled as the wal-mart effect (that business model where wal-mart comes in and destroys competition with ridiculous pricing) and we fall prey to it all the time.

Oh well. Lucky for me I learned about digital piracy a long time ago.

Still, my choices didn't leave me disappointed. Youth in Revolt was pretty much what every other Michael Cera film is, a loosely themed and irregular paced forum for Michael Cera to drop sarcasm and rhetorical and often redundant rethorts.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Cera, but his films are becoming a bit to predictable as well as the characters he plays.

The other choice was the Book of Eli. The movie was fun, if not simple. It was filmed like a 300 version of Mad Max and its vagueness left me with this numb feeling and a lot of questions.

There's nothing wrong with that as I often complain about movies having to cookie cutter out the entire explanation of a movie, but I really need an understanding of the M. Night Shamalyn twist of Denzel's character being blind. It almost makes me want to rewatch it.

Complaints aside, twas fun.

Ciao.

Voting for Change

2010-06-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me voting is as American as apple pie. I’m still not sure what exactly they were referring to because I’d take a delicious pie any day. However, if you guys missed the opportunity to partake in the historic election that ushered in our first black president (we’re still waiting to see if this was a good or bad idea) then fear not, you still have a chance to partake in yet another momentous event.

The Dewmocracy.

Right now voters can choose which flavor will become the next permanent member of the Mountain Dew family. The choices are Whiteout, Typhoon, and Distortion.

If you look at the map below you’ll see the current success of each of the flavors.

Now, take a closer look.

There’s only one state backing the nastiest flavor and that’s Oklahoma. Oh Oklahoma. My theory is that the people of our beloved pan-handle state simply chose the “green one” because they thought it was to choose whether or not Mountain Dew stays in business. Oh well, simple things for simple minds in simple places I suppose. Way to make a statement.

Regardless, White Out (aka the best one) is doing strong and I encourage all of you to go and vote. Voting ends June 14th.

The one thing I have to admit while getting caught up with Dew Fever (not an actual flavor) is that they should carry this process over to how we vote for everything else.

If you think about it, when looking at the people that don’t vote in our country it stems from one of two reasons: they’re too lazy or they don’t think their vote counts. The first group of people should be deported to Bangladesh or some other remote, third world country but I can understand why the second group seems so jaded.

With the fact that it our electoral colleges that summarize the vote sometimes it’s very valid to know that because of where you live, if you’re vote wasn’t the popular, it gets dismissed. Knowing you live in a republican state as a democrat can be disappointing. Knowing you live WITH a republican and that you’re vote will cancel out with your household partner can just be infuriating.

It’s a shame when they look at the popular vote and only use it as a reference for well… popularity. All these checks and balances really just unhinge our potential to become a republic and not this hybrid we have now.

The reason I even bring it up though is because we have never been in a better place to switch to this kind of system. Think of all the excess spending we would either reduce or cut completely if we got rid of the middle management that evaluates the voting process.

Maybe the security systems aren’t set in place to have a voting app for our iPhones, but at the polling centers having hard drives that just tally our counts would save a lot of people from adding up and checking chads.

It’s just silly that we finally have the technology to have the smallest voice heard and we don’t utilize it to impact and effect real change.

Anyways, I’m starting to rant, the main focus here is the Dewmocracy.

Just go Dew it. (like that? Yeah you did.)

Conspiracies and Oil Spills

2010-05-14T12:32:00.001-07:00

Sorry it’s been so long in between rants, but I’ve had rare moments to actually get any of this kind of fun stuff out of my head and onto paper… or screens for that matter.

The one thing I try and do everyday along with daily habits is read the news. Sometimes I can’t dig too terribly deep, but at a minimum I catch the headlines. That being said, I’m rather shocked and appalled at how little media coverage the gulf spill is getting.

Some of the people I’ve talked to about it just think that it was like any regular spill and that a boat crashed/sunk. It’s far worse than that. For those of you not in the know, the premiere revolutionary drilling rig, Deepwater Horizon, suffered an explosion that caused the disappearance of 11 crew members and the start of oil leaking in the Gulf of Mexico.

The problem is, that despite the advance technologies of the rig, BP officials can’t close off the pipes gushing out oil at an alarming pace. Initial reports stated the estimate to be 5,000 barrels a day, however, that sum is now being at closer to 70,000. Ten times more.

The scary thing is that the only other thing that this can be compared to is the Valden/Exxon spill in Alaska that spilled 11 million gallons across the Prince William Sound.

Keep in mind that’s 11 million gallons compared to 70,000 barrels a day. A barrel is 42 gallons. That’s 2.9 million gallons a day and has been going strong for 20 days with BP officials saying they have no end result estimate in sight. That brings the total to almost 59 million gallons so far.

In Team America terms, that’s 9/11 times 2356.

It’s frightening how devastating these kind of numbers can be and yet very few people realize the implications.

On a completely different note, this whole scenario feels like a conspiracy theory to the max. Because of this whole incident, off-shore drilling and installation has been suspended pending a comprehensive investigation.

Three crucial energy bills have also been put on hiatus setting us back as an economic power that will still be dependent on foreign countries and trade to sustain our own needs?

Am I crazy, or does this not smell of some black op from the powers that be?

I need to find Mel Gibson stat.

The Workplace

2010-03-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

A lot of my blogging ideas are a bit dated. I’d take blame for it myself, but in reality my new job has totally stripped away a lot of my free time.

The lame part is that before my new position, I was still working an eight hour day and I accomplished a lot. So where did the change come from?

Well for starters, I don’t get to really call the shots on which hours I work and on what days. I use to have a pretty set schedule that catered to my personal needs and now I’m the lowest guy on a totem pole bending over backwards for what they need.

To make matters worst, now I work outside of the valley. I can’t begin to explain how frustrating that is. At my old job, if I had to be at work at 1 pm, I could leave 10 minutes beforehand and everything was hunky dory. Now, I have to leave 45 minutes earlier and that’s just to get there! We’re not even talking the prep time of grooming, suiting up, and all the other little nuances that accumulate and have to be dealt with. All in all, I figure an eight-hour day at this new job actually requires roughly 11.5 hours of my day.

Over a year’s time that equals another 910 hours of work preparation that I don’t even get paid for. It makes me wonder if it’s all worth it.

Another grueling factor is the traffic. Wow it’s not worth it. The funny thing is I normally don’t mind the fact that I’m not going anywhere in a hurry provided I’m on time. The thing that drives me bananas is stupidity on the roadways. I’m starting to see why LA gets labeled the way it does.

It gets so bad that I even experienced my first genuine road rage episode the other day. It was in the wee morning time and I needed to merge to get onto the correct freeway. I wasn’t speeding, I just needed to get over. I put on my blinker with less that a mile to go and rather than be rude and just come in, I wanted to give the driver a heads up. What did she do? SHE SPED UP. We’re in 35-40 mile an hour traffic almost bumper to bumper and she tries to block me.

So instead I just start sliding in to let her know my courtesy was just that, and I was still coming and she tries to run me off the road! I had to come to a full stop to slide in behind her only to watch her slam on her brakes because she came in too fast on the car in front of her. All for nothing. Long story short, middle fingers were exchanged shouting that we couldn’t hear was fired back and forth and I ran her off the road onto an exit a mile or two up just to piss her off.

Regardless, I don’t like what I’m becoming. Tool comes to mind, but I don’t want to hear it or see it. I’ve seen the good and bad sides of this company and I’m sure they’ll put me on another fire to prevent before I get the “good life.” The money is good where I am now, but with all the responsibility I’ll get at the next level it doesn’t seem justified.

I’m not dissatisfied with the work, I’m just disgruntled. I always thought I wouldn’t compromise and do something I enjoyed, and I always swore I would do something that benefited society/humanity in a more enlightening way.

Selling tissue paper and vitamins isn’t a right step in that journey.

What have I become?

Somethings don’t Stay in Vegas

2010-03-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

I figure that if everything stayed in the city of sin, people would fall for the old girls tricks time and time again. So, after recently staying at the Palazzo, I decided to share my thoughts and lessons learned to make the most of your trip. Some are cheeky, but some are just super importante!

Before you leave, have your logistics planned. Nothing is more important than making sure you are ready for a trip to Las Vegas. What does that mean exactly? It means if you want to leave by 11 or 12, make sure you’re packed, groomed, and that your car is gassed up. Also if you have a large group, figure out who’s in what car beforehand or you waste a lot of time on seating arrangements. The most important thing? Get all the cash you need before you leave. Don’t suffer by paying a $6.00 service fee (that’s not even what your bank will charge you) when you get there.

This way you’ll have all you need and you won’t have to speed.

Pre-game, Pre-game, Pre-game. The easiest way to save money and have fun in Vegas is pre-gaming. Let’s face it, unless you plan on doing a lot of gambling or you are ridiculously hot, you’re not going to get enough free drinks fast enough to feel a buzz. Pre-gaming it saves you all those necessary drinks plus gets you going before you leave the hotel to make even a boring old taxi ride an adventure. (Just make sure the driver isn’t trying to take advantage of you and take you the LONG way.) Am I saying don’t buy drinks? No, of course not. What Vegas trip isn’t complete without a Martar or two. Just don’t dent your wallet harder than you have to.

P.S. Don’t feel stingy about bringing alcohol into your rooms. Sure it looks tacky, but it’s not against the rules.

If you’re going to walk the Strip, don’t do it in vain. Remember, the Vegas Mile is a long walk. I can’t tell you how many lady friends have made the mistake of walking it in high heels so they can show off what their momma’s gave em. Each time, the story ends the same; lots of bleeding and barefoot walking down the dirtiest, smut-covered street in existence.

Don’t let hepatitis become your friend.

Let’s make love in this club. Pay attention as you walk the strip for people offering discounted prices into clubs. For guys, that’s a godsend as it usually ends up costing us our left index finger to get in unless you’re a Cardashian. Also, if you have ladies, separate from them and let them go ahead of you. Sure it sucks for you, but the ladies will usually get in for free and right away if the bouncer thinks they are alone. Otherwise you might have to pay for them as well as yourself. Plus, by the time you catch up to them, a few guys will probably by them drinks. Just be careful around Alaskan marines with flaming tattoos, sometimes the ladies have a hard time pulling themselves away.

Besides, you didn’t really want to dance anyhow now did you?

Lastly, make sure your driver is ready to make the trip home. For whatever reason the trip home is full of braking and irritation, so make sure whoever is driving is either well rested or well supplied with a bunch of Red Bulls. That or fly.

Some quick acceptable rules:

If you’re drunk, it’s acceptable to drop food on the floor and play it off like you meant too.

It’s ok to try to fit entire fists into your mouth.

If you get a yard margarita, you must get it out of a guitar and call it a MARTAR.

If people are dragging and it’s after 3 pm, it is acceptable top open the hotel curtains.

If there’s wind, chances are the pool will be closed. Somehow they are interconnected Captain Planet style.

Remember, the magic number in Vegas is 5. Taxis don’t allow more.

Finally, no matter what, if you walk passed Bills Gambling Hall you must buy dollar margaritas.

Grades

2010-03-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought down and really thought about the purpose that grades serve? Sure they seem to always ring the loudest when it’s a score you’re less than fond of, but in reality what do grades really mean?

People would argue that they are a measurement. Are they? If the purpose of a test is to know whether or not one has accumulated an adequate amount of knowledge in any given subject, then really it’s a matter of deciding a pass or fail threshold. Anyone above it is satisfactory. Anyone below it, not.

In an ideal world this is how it SHOULD be. Depending on the subject at hand the threshold can be set higher or lower. (For instance, a history lesson could be set low whereas something like nursing would demand almost a perfect score.)

I mean take a look at the value measurement of grades. They say “C” is average. Average is just a synonym for normal. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Frankly, I would love to be Average in all subjects except the one’s I’m truly passionate about.
If a “C” is the world’s way of saying acceptable, why the hell would I want to waste time studying material that I won’t retain for more than four years?

Then there’s the “D” grade. I’ve never understood the D. It’s almost as if educators felt bad to be so harsh as to draw a line in the sand between pass or fail, so they snuck in this “you almost had it” or “so close” grade. A “D” get’s you nowhere and might be the most asinine tool in the education system.

In reality, grades do only one thing: validate the people that need to see the proof of their works and do what humanity has been doing since the beginning of time; separate the classes. Think about it. With a good grade, you can use it as proof of your excellence against someone who had a poor grade or never went to school.
A BA or BS is a way of saying “I’m better.”

The sad thing is, most people translate that same phrase into the true cause of itself. “I’m better,” becomes “I’m richer,” or “I’m more entitled,” or “I’m luckier.”

Universities use this kind of pseudo-elitism (I don’t want to get too carried away here) by judging who is allowed to attend their facilities (everyone pays anyways what’s the big deal) as well as how much they can charge depending on their “efficiency.” A school has no efficiency! It’s all the work of the students. All the faculty does is interview and weed out the people that will detrimental damage to their reputation.

You know the system is flawed when you can see educators at a college level who do LESS with their time and involvement get paid MORE than educators who raise our children.

I’m all about leaving the percentage of how many questions one might get wrong, but if all work was measured on a pass/fail system. It would make like a lot less complicated and get on with advancing our species instead of being mired up in the glorious vain existences of where we rank amongst ourselves.
And we wonder why our education system is broken.

Tacos and Games

2010-02-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard of the Kogi BBQ Roach Coach?

I hadn’t until recently, but apparently there is a HUGE following. They have a website listing exact times and locations and people Twitter up-to-date GPS locations of the vehicles. You could say they’ve become something of an Urban Legend, or Ahab’s Moby Dick. They exist, but you have to be in the right place at the right time or you miss out.

Sadly, the first time I found out they were in my neck of the woods, I didn’t get to partake. Last night, luckily enough, not a block from my job, I saw a bunch of people hovering around this roach coach parked on the street.

There was nothing fancy about it. No bells or whistles. It had graffiti on the side that I couldn't make out in the dark. The only hint was just a lot of people wanting to eat some deliciousness. And you know what? The instant I saw it, I KNEW. So I made Roslyn turn the car around and go wait 20 minutes in the rain for some tacos.

You know what? I’d do it all over again, but next time wait 40 minutes if need be.

It’s funny too because it wasn’t the tacos that made me want to be there. I mean don’t get me wrong, they were AMAZING, but it’s the thought of being a part of something bigger that really got me turned on to the idea of needing to eat these tacos. It’s like they validated me in some way.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe a lot of people get where I’m coming from. Either way, anytime I find out one of those trucks is near me, that becomes Priority number one for me.

In transition from tacos to games, after having some Del Taco the other day, I discovered that the new Star Trek Online (STO) MMO has been out for a while now. I’m really conflicted because the first two games I ever played (sorry guys, but it wasn’t Halo or even Counter-Strike), were Star Trek: Star Flee Command and Mechwarrior.

I still have both games and if booted up could get lost in them for a few hours. The sad part is I just don’t have time to give to an MMO anymore and that sucks because STO looks like everything we had hoped SFC would have been… when I was 14. I really don’t get how people can dump hours into maintaining a character in a game and still function normally in society. Maybe that’s why my step-dad is the way he is.

How do you guys do it? Is unemployment paying for your Azeroth slaying Orcs?

Plus, I get sheepish buying a game that you have to pay monthly to play. To me, if I end up paying and not playing, I’ll get frazzled. However, if I don’t play, I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time in the first place. It’s vicious circle.
Really I don’t even see how MMO’s can afford to compete against each other. If gamers have to pay regular fees to participate, they can’t just go “try” another game because that means another month of subscription. All the monies start to add up.

I remember trying Earth and Beyond and got angry when they went belly up. All my hard work for nothing. The same thing happened with Hellgate: London.
I guess PC gaming is kind of dead in that route unless your either Final Fantasy or World of Warcraft. Are games like Ultima, Asheron’s Call, and Everquest even still around?

I don’t know, but I think I’ll wait until the new Mechwarrior is out, or maybe try out Exteel. As if I have time to play games as it is. I hope STO makes it, but I don’t even have a PC ready enough to tackle those behemoths these days.

I’d trade game responsibilities over real life responsibilities any day. Just get me that sexual machine from Demolition Man and I think we’re good to go.

Catch you all on the flip side.

Zoom Zoom

2010-02-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

Before I begin today’s rant I just wanted to point out some bulletin items that need to get addressed but have no real consistency with what I intended to talk about.

1. Woot.com is in the middle of a Woot-Off. If you don’t know what that is, look it up and quick. These things don’t last that long.
2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious. (This was probably a given.)
3. Go buy Halo Legends on DVD/Blu-Ray. If you can’t afford it, get chummy with someone who does have it.
4. Don’t mess with 67-year-old men on a bus.
5. If you’re looking for a job. Go to www.glassdoor.com before you ever interview. VALUABLE INFORMATION!
6. My favorite author sent me another copy of one of his books signed! Woohoo!
7. I hope all of you went and set up volunteer time for free Disneyland.

So lately I’ve been working tons. I mean we’re talking 28 hours in two days kind of tons. Were talking so many tons here that it puts professional sumo wrestling in our lightweight feather boxing division by comparison.

Hopefully, the sacrifice was worth it. Now that I’ve busted my hump to fix my store, it’s smooth sailing for as long as I’m there.

I finally returned my rental car today. It was a hefty total, but I figure it beats taking the bus (SEE: 67-YEAR-OLD MAN). I’m still waiting/hoping/praying that my bio-dad helps me out on this front as he kind of took the reigns out of my hand and promised me results. So far, I haven’t seen an inch of effort put into this, but I’ll give him one more week before I open up the auto trader and close my eyes and pick something with 4 wheels. I’m that desperate.

On the upside, I’ve been driving a lot of cars lately to get a feel for what I want. The cool thing about that is that I get to see all the new gadgets and gizmos that people come up with. From MPG pedal displacement to his and her atmospheric controls, I’ve been a little surprised at some of the things car manufacturers have conjured up in the last 5 years. For example, I really didn’t know that nowadays, dealers try and fake a car’s appearance by using those ugly solid black wheels and then bolting a fancy plastic cover over them. Who knew? I certainly didn’t.

The common new “it” feature? The iPod dock/port. While no car except BMW has a physical place to put your iPod into, every car has a cable or a navigation system so you can rock out to High School Musical like it’s no one’s business. It makes me feel way behind the times with my little FM receiver.

Now I guess we just have to see if they integrate the new iPad with the 2011 models. (Is anyone even interested in buying the oversized, can do everything but make calls, iPhone?)

I’ve driven everything within my price range and I’m kind of sold on the Nissan Altima. I really liked some of the VWs as well, but their size really isn’t my forte. I didn’t really test drive Toyota given the current circumstances, but I bet you American automakers are breathing a little easier knowing that consumer’s trusts have been shaken. Talk about getting cut a break at the best possible time.

People keep asking me if I could pick any car, what would it be? I get a little disappointed that people don’t realize it would be a Delorean. I mean come on, how else am I going to race in the Cannonball Run?

But when they ask me seriously and still don’t like the Delorean answer, I tell them a Jeep Wrangler. I really miss having my jeep. Sadly, it’s just not something that suits what I need right now.

That’s kind of the problem with America and where we are. Sure the economy is bad right now. Sure, we’re moving towards Socialism at break-neck speeds. Sure, Obama jumped the shark trying to propose universal healthcare. But really, when it comes down to it? The people who are weathering the storm best are the ones that never operated outside their financial confines. All these people with too large of a home, or six power toys who don’t like having to tighten the belt and pull up the boot-straps are the loudest complainers.

I guess we really bring things on ourselves.

Anyways, I need to go slave away. I’ll talk more about CVS soon I promise. There was something someone told me once and I want to share it kind of as a hint of what I’m going through.

Never live to work. Work to live.

The Most Important Questions

2010-02-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

While watching the Superbowl last weekend I watched as Google pretty much told everyone that their software could make you fall in love and make it work no matter the odds and ends. All I'm going to say is suck on that one eHarmony and Match.com.

But after watching all the searching this love-sick frog-eating puppy was, I got to thinking about what people tend to ask in general.After asking the basic primers of all questions (who what when where why and how) I dove in listing not only the most popular questions, but the most interesting queries as well. I even got all sleuthed out and asked the elusive "will.'

Who?

Who is?

At first, I got angry with this one because I thought it was too generic. Turns out Who Is Inc. is the equivalent of the Internet's archive database for telling people who owns what website and for how long. Remember, big brother is watching.

Who invented the Internet?

I love the tie-in between the two. I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that the entire universe doesn't already know that Al Gore invented this between creating urinals and discovering global warming.

What?

What does my name mean?

I get this one. Everyone is looking for their place in the world and knowing the history of how you exist is just one more piece in confirming this.

What time is it?

This might be the stupidest question of them all. It took anybody who asked this question longer to open the browser and type the question then to look to the right corner and figure it out. These are the kinds of people who don't belong on the road.

When in Rome(?)

I love the cliché line, but despise the fact that it’s due in part to a cheesy movie. Don’t see the movie and let’s move on.

When will I die?

As if asking Google is going to tell you this? I could understand if maybe you were asking a computer with a personality (SEE: Space Odysessy:2001) , but Google is not going to be able to answer this one for you…. yet. Once they get Cylons/Terminators/Short Circuits up and running, it’s anyone’s game (or is that what Honda is working on?) I kind of wish that when you clicked on the link it would just come up with a blank white page that read “EVENTUALLY.” Talk about nailing it.

Where?

Where the wild things are?

OK, movies still? Come on people, let’s start asking some more important questions like, “Where is the fountain of youth?” That way, you can avoid that whole when will you die thing. People are such amateurs when it comes to googling.

Where is chuck Norris?

Second best question asked here today. Frankly this is a question everyone should replace What Would Jesus Do? And it shouldn’t be What Would Chuck Norris Do? Because you already know that. It needs to be Where is Chuck Norris so you know if you can get away with it. Seriously, strap a GPS ankle bracelet to the Texas ranger so you can always see the roundhouse kicks coming.

Why?

Why do men have nipples?

This was a really good question because it baffled even me. It turns out that all humans are initially born female and that only the best of the best make it all the way through the conversion into manhood. The nipples just become a useless bi-product like the appendix. That is, unless you’re into the whole piercing thing. Then it becomes bling central for melting the ladies’ hearts.

Why can’t I own a Canadian?*

Hands down, this is the best question, not just among this blog, but in the entire world. It get’s even better when you learn that it is a farcical letter hammering Biblical literalists for their support against homosexuality. My jaw hurts from smiling and laughing.

*Note: It’s a shame that the Canadian comment was so epic because there were some serious contenders in there about fecal matter shape and color.

How?

How to tie a tie?

This might be the most important question a man could ever ask after learning about the birds and bees. The only other must is learning to drive a stick shift, but I don't see Google helping much in that category.

How to get pregnant?

This might be the scariest question any unmarried man could ever chance upon. This makes me think women are out there trying to cast out the anchors if you get my drift. This question is so intimidating that it makes me want to warn all the men out there to not learn how to tie a tie because that will lead to fancy dates and then impregnation. Then again, you might need to learn how to tie a tie after you do get her pregnant to find a fancier job to support the new addition. 50/50 either.

Will?

Will Smith?

What can I say, he’s the Fresh Prince. People kind of want to know where he’s been since that. I kind of want to modify this question in the lines of, “Will Will Smith lose all credibility after destroying Karate Kid just so he could put his kid in a film?”

Yes, yes he will.

Will the world end in 2012?

That’s a tough one. Nostradamus AND John Cusack both say it will and that’s a more powerful force than the combined efforts of every black cop/white cop team up known to cinema. I even counted Danny Glover TWICE. Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. People said Y2K was the end all be all, and I even heard about some Revelations damnation that should have Raptured us by now. I’m banking on the world either going Mad Max around 2030, or some meteor is going to call game over in the next 10 years right before we can develop anti-meteor lasers.

So there you have it.
I was a bit disappointed “where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” wasn’t up there. Heck, that whole meaning of life thing wasn't even up there. I guess people don’t know what they’re missing.

Until next time.

Go volunteer so you can get your free Disneyland ticket! (Google it.) :)

Just Another Manic Monday.

2010-02-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

Today’s blog is brought to you by the word IRONY.

It’s funny how sometimes I get it right.

Valentine’s Day was yesterday and hopefully you stumbled across THE GREATEST CARDS EVER in time. If you didn’t, well there’s always next year.

Right now, I’m dead tired. I spent my evening romancing four men as we rebuilt the seasonal section at my new store. The short story is I got screwed into working a graveyard shift on Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, I’ve been meaning to write what my new job is like, and I promise it’s coming! (SEE: HELL) Either way, I’ve been up for over 24 hours and my body isn’t really feeling it because last time I pulled this stunt, I at least gave it a free Grand Slam.

To top it off, I’m a little peeved because I tried to mail a bill this morning at one of those mom and pop postage shops. When I asked for a stamp, he told me they were out! (SEE: ULTIMATE FAIL) How do you run out of what the core of your business is? That’s like Starbucks being out of coffee. Come on man. The guy looked completely helpless too, like the kind of poor unfortunate soul who can’t pass the DMV driving test after the fourteenth time. Am I the only one who thinks if you fail after three strikes you lose your license for a decade?

While browsing the web, I discovered a few things.

1. Heidi Montag is our new Michael Jackson.
2. TeeFury is having a $5 dollar random sale, so get on that.
3. I really wish I was a little more artistic.

How It Should Have Ended or HISHE.com (SEE: EBONICS) as it is more commonly called is offering a $1,000 dollar prize to the most original revamp of either Wolverine, Taken, or New Moon. The sad part is I KNOW I could come up with a serious contender if I could only draw worth a hill of beans. I really need to become BFF with someone who knows how to use a pencil for more than just air drum solos. So here’s my wanted ad:

WANTED: Cartoonist/Artist/Drawer/Notebook Doodler who is seeking to become the Jack Kirby to my Stan Lee. We’ll be best buds and give each other spicy high-fives all the time. Serious applications only please.

In the meantime I think I’m going to try and draw a stick figure comic strip of what my brilliance is trying so desperately to animate out.

Other then that, I’ve just spent the day wondering why people want to read celebrities biographies when there are so many more entertaining stories out there in the world. Check out the band below, they’ll be playing at Coachella this year and they are awesome.

P.S. Sorry for all the hyperlinks, I tend to get a little carried away.

Cheap Love.

2010-02-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is a sucker’s holiday that was created by companies to hit you in your wallet and not your heart. If you are doing things right with your special someone, you shouldn’t need some day to reinforce it. If you’re banking on Valentine’s Day to make amends for all your past sins of the year, you’re just trying to bail out water on a sinking ship.

Valentine’s Day is a ruse my friends.

To make matters worse, the failed economy is already hurting brothers left and right making it almost impossible to be able to come out of it unscathed. So I’ve decided to help out by offering some advice on cheap ways to get around some Valentine traditions.

Getting a girl flowers.

This one is easy and you have a couple different options. Either grab some scissors and start cutting some neighbors flowers (especially the ones you don’t like!). Don’t hurt your own garden, that’s just silly. Doing this will allow you to create your own beautiful bouquet that tells her she’s the only one for you. I advise doing this one the night before.

Your other option is to visit the local cemetery/graveyard. There are some pros and cons to this move as you will already have a created bouquet eliminating some preparation steps, the downside being that it’s generally considered a rude thing to do and there is a 50/50 chance you could get stalked by a pissed off spirit for the rest of your life. Either way, the choice is on you.

The Card

In an age full of creativity and independence, nothing says that and sticking it to the man like creating your own card. Remember fellas, the art work doesn’t have to be up to Van Gogh or Dali status. As long as you can draw a sun or heart it's pretty much a done deal. Get inspirational and tell her you had kids at your local outreach program draw it for you. Either way, it’s the words that convey your message is what matters to her. Don’t forget the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” and it’s a fool proof plan.

OR if you’re a veteran of the V-Day routine, recycle a card. As long as it was generic and no one left a name you’re good to go! If she asks why it is written in such a different hand-writing style, tell her you took your time just for her.

Smelling Good.

One thing the ladies like are the little details. On this particular day make sure your well groomed and smelling like a rose. If you’re in a funk (literally) stop by your local drugstore and test a few deodorants (you can’t even tell if the aresol kind are open or not.) Ask a lady to spritz you with a nice cologne and be on your way. NOTE: Make sure you do this on your way to pick her up as you want to be in your olfactory prime for her. DON’T get smelly while she’s with you as this is considered tacky.

The Sweet Stuff

If you were smart, you thought ahead and bought Halloween or Christmas candy at insanely discounted prices. If you did, simply open the candies (leaving them in their bite-sized wrappers doesn’t really work) and leave them on a heart shaped cut-out piece of paper.

If you didn’t think ahead and don’t want to steal, the only other thing I can think of is loading up on the free peppermints they give out at resturaunts and lollipops they offer at banks and doctor’s offices. However, most girls will probably see right through this unless they really really like peppermint. (NOTE: It was suggested that fortune cookies are an alternative, but one bad fortune could turn your V-Day into D-Day if you get my drift. Women are more susceptible to signs during this time.)

Location, Location, Location,

This one is easy because it doesn’t really take a lot to be romantic. What it really takes is serenity and a bit of privacy which are what public park benches have been offering to homeless people for years. Find one with a view and you are set. The trick is to tie in similarities or the history of your relationship and you are golden. If a woman can see metaphors, she’s yours.
If you want to plan it out, get a blanket and pack a lunch/dinner. You can do this easily by raiding Costco’s free sample days this weekend first. Nothing says I love you like samples of Mush-yu Pork, Trail-Mix deluxe, and a random assortment of cheese. Just remember, don’t hog the samples or you might get kicked out prematurely. Peruse the aisles and rotate the stations to maximize your sampler tray.

Really, in the end, if the girl is legit, she won’t care what you have planned as long as you show that you have plans. Most down to earth women realize they just want to be thought upon and not doted upon. The pampering is just an added bonus. So don’t get the dates mixed up(remember it's tomorrow the 14th everyone!) and everything should work out just fine!

GOOD LUCK!

New Years Resolutions

2010-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

Why do people always make these ludicrous assumptions about what they are going to accomplish in a year? If you ask me, setting the bar so high always results in horrible disappointment.

Quitting smoking, losing weight, promising to stop listening to catchy music that you’ll likely find on NOW music CDs, sounds like a laudable goal. However, these are things that if you find issue with, should just be changed at the here and now, and not as something to remind yourself to attach a year to as a target.

My goals? My goals are simple.

Draw and Stuff. I want to fill up my brand new art book by the end of year with doodles, comics and drawings. How easy is that? Not only that, but it’s something FUN that I can actually look forward too. Maybe if I get brave enough I'll share my kindergarten-level artistic ability with you. Oh and the reason stuff is there is to keep the rest of it pretty vague.

Practice yoga. This isn’t for any health nut weight loss business. I just would like to be a little more flexible from time to time. Plus yoga is good for the whole meditation business. If you notice, I didn’t put a set amount on this resolution. That means if I only go one time, mission accomplished.

Learn Spanish. This one I consider the toughest, but I get insanely jealous of bi-lingual people and incredibly paranoid that whenever a conversation is going on around me it’s probably about me. (I mean why else would you switch languages if you see me standing right there?) I want to learn it so I can go “locos rojos” when I catch people dissing me.

So yeah, my resolutions are short and sweet and actually accomplishable. I considered adding winning the lottery to my list, but seeing how I really wouldn’t have any control over that other than blowing lots of money trying, I decided against it.

What are all of your guys’ resolutions?

P.S. Yes I know this is a little past date, but I have catching up to do!

Halo Day Part 3

2010-02-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lack of blogging in general, but to be fair, it’s not my fault.

Bill Gates apparently has a mission to irritate gingers it seems. My Halo 3 log (1 of 3 files open at the time) somehow didn’t survive the “automatic update restart.” Hence, it’s been a while since I had the opportunity to relive the magic of Halo Day. Anyways, without any further to do, I give you the conclusion of Halo Day. Enjoy.

Halo 3

December 16th, 9:22 pm,

We gear up to finish the fight. As Brice and I watch the introduction cut-scene, Brice can’t help but complain that if we can survive falling from orbit and crash-landing in a Thriller pose, we should be pretty much fucking invincible.

I on the other hand notice that Sergeant Johnson (Brice still has no clue) just keeps looking better and better with each game. Brice notices it too and mentions that they should have just used these graphics all the way through. I try to remind the R-tard that Halo came out almost ten years ago to which he retorts, “what’s your point?”

December 16th, 9:26 pm,

It really needs to be said that Halo 3 almost never happened. Upon starting the game, Brice did not like learning that he would be stuck with Covenant weapons all game since he was the permanent Arbiter. He even complained that the cloak had been replaced with a flashlight. We almost had to do a controller swap until Brice found out that the Arbiter got sticky grenades as a default. Crisis averted.

December 16th, 9:28 pm,

Cortana invades our screen talking about how it’s her time of the month or something to that degree. Brice asks if this annoying slow-down will happen again. I lie and tell him I’m pretty sure it’s just the one time.

December 16th, 9:31 pm,

It should be said now before I get too far into this that there was only thing that really let us survive the night and can be summed up in three words.

Grunt. Birthday. Skull.

December 16th, 9:34

I’ve come to realize we have our first real casualty of the night as Roslyn has become MIA. Whether she has left, gone somewhere to sleep, or fallen and can’t get up, she’s nowhere to be found. I shrug my shoulders and move on. I know she would have wanted it this way.

December 16th, 9:35 pm,

Brice and I are finishing the level up. He seems to be thinking that he’s doing all the work as he charges in. He doesn’t seem to realize my Barry Pepper sniping skills are saving him left and right.

After killing a Hammer Brute, I call Brice out where he tells me had had it covered. I can’t think in what universe a plan exists where Brice’s ass getting wedged upon that hammer isn’t a result.

December 16th, 9:40 pm,

We beat the first level to which point my friend Jessica asks if she can jump in. When Brice hears her voice he can’t differentiate whether I’m friends with a small boy or a girl. He assumes it’s a boy after jokingly commenting that girls don’t play Halo. I add in, that it’s usually not hot girls. Secretly I think he’s worried that she’ll be better than him.

Our Wolf Pack expands to three.

December 16th, 9:42 pm,

After watching the cheesiest cut-scene ever, “We’re going to war,” (really? Haven’t the UNSC been fighting for the last 20 years? Where have you been?) Jess immediate gets lost in the underground tunnels. Someone (and we won’t point fingers) makes a comparison to women’s driving skills and an awkward silence washes over the wolf pack.

December 16th, 9:43 pm,

For some reason, when Jess dropped in, the game’s setting reset and the birthday skull was deactivated. After asking whether to exit out or barrel through the rest of the level. Brice strongly insists that we restart. That’s the closest thing to a demand to ever come from him.

We politely oblige him.

December 16th, 9:44 pm,

After a quick reboot we’re back in the tunnels once more. I’m hopping over bad guys letting them get cleaned up by my team while I try to catch up on lost time. Everything was going fine until I re-discover that the checkpoint teleportation is back in play.

As Jess and Brice come out of nowhere Jess turns left instead of right. Brice and I just look at each other and tell her to find our icons on her screen. Silly girls, Halo is for men.

December 16th, 9:46 pm,

Brice gets the first death of the game which is surrounded in a lot of suspicion. As Brice fights a Jackal with an overloaded plasma shot. He suddenly got mowed down, by a chain gun under Jess’s control. Her defense? “I still thought the elites were the bad guys.”

We don’t buy it.

December 16th, 9:52 pm,

I always kind of figured that if I’m not leading the way, the only thought that should be in anyone’s mind should be: TRAP!

Apparently that’s not the case as Brice blows past me into the hornet’s nest of at least 100 drones only to die screaming “Oh shit!”

Like I said, trap.

December 16th, 9:56 pm,

Brice is still a bit peeved about Jess’s betrayal as evident by the fact that he closed the elevator hatch shut on her and left her to sit at the bottom and bored. You know, to let the men do manly things.

December 16th, 10:00 pm,

Brice stays behind going fisticuffs with jet pack Brutes while I barrel on to reactivate the bomb, that deactivated, then reactivated and then deactivated again… or something like that. Honestly, I never did pay attention to how Johnson dropped the ball on that one.

Brice and I start singing the only verse we know from "Taking Care of Business." Eventually we realize we are going a bit overboard with it and stop. A few seconds later Brice starts humming it. I tell him that counts too, but it pretty much goes on for the rest of the game.

December 16th, 10:02 pm,

We slow down for a second to watch a poor marine accomplish the ultimate face plant into a pillar.

Brice rushes into action throwing a sticky that lands on the marine being held in the air rather than the massive Brute holding him blowing everything to smithereens. I ask him if he really just did that to which he replies, “I’d like to think our methods are different, but we get the same results.”

Seriously guys, NEVER go to war with this guy.

December 16th, 10:04
Needless to say, we’ve saved everyone by blowing everything up. It’s kind of our signature style. I run for the elevator and make it while Brice and Jess die fiery deaths. I’m kind of glad for this too since Brice somehow got his hands on a fuel rod cannon and was looking to slap me with some pain.

December 16th, 10:05 pm,

I’m a little disappointed in Brice as I try to telepathically tell him to take the second warthog. But after years of “Plan A” tactics being him on my chain gun (SEE: SEXUAL INNUENDO), Jess ends up driving the other hog. Just going out the door she betrays two of our troopers.

I try and stop her senanigins, but at the last second she slips through the cracked door and I crash into it. She thinks she has the final laugh, but I’ve only begun to fight.

December 16th, 10:07 pm,

While Jess is actually trying to kill bad guys, my sole mission is to flip her… which I accomplish beautifully after sending her off a ramp crooked and causing her to flip end over end. Sucker….

December 16th, 10:10 pm,

I kind of messed up right here.

As we race down the map, we hit the part in the highway where the bridge is broken and you have to go on foot. As Jess dismounts, I tell Brice I can land it.

I rev it up and try to make the jump. I learn that whatever magic Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock had with that bus in Speed doesn’t apply here as the warthog can’t quite clear the gap and I land high center on the edge of the bridge with two wheels on and two wheels off.

I panic and hop out to which Brice screams “NOOOOOO” as he the weight shifts and the warthog flips back over and off the cliff.

My bad B.

December 16th, 10:15 pm,

We clean up some Brute nonsense and get back in conviently timed vehicle replacements. Jess takes off in a brute chopper while Brice and I jump in Betsy (aka warthog).

Now sometimes (most of the time) it’s my fault when things happen while I’m driving. But there are those rare circumstances when the powers that be decide that it’s just not the opportune time to be breathing.

As we burst into the next area, a wraith is already dropping mortar rounds on Jess as she shoots right. I decide to shoot left only to get blindsided by a brute chopper who shunts me to the side and back into the incoming mortar round.

The end result isn’t pretty as the warthog goes flipping through the air to crash into the side of a mountain dumping us out. I try to flip it backover only to watch in horror as the chopper comes back around ramming into Brice and the backend of the warthog resulting in a fiery explosion as I jump away.

Brice likes to think that in her final act of defiance, Betsy exploded sparing Brice the dishonor of a kill and robbing the Brute. I’m so flabbergasted by the chain of events that I tagalong with it and run for cover.

December 16th, 10:16 pm,

This is bad.

Brice is still dead. Jess somehow lost her chopper and is dancing with three choppers and a tank on the backside of the hill and I’ve got another wraith and two shade turrets keeping me pinned.

Geronimo here we go.

December 16th, 10:17 pm,

I love it when a plan comes together. As I pull a Matthew Broderick and Glory charge up the hill I tank over the second tank that is harassing Jess, simultaneously throwing stickies from Brice’s dead corpse and dropping a mine on the first tank. The result is a combination of explosion and jacking that just leaves Brice’s mouth hanging open.

I ram the choppers off the cliff and save the day.

December 16th, 10:18 pm,

We are at the end of the level and just have to get around the bend. I refuse to get out of the tank and proceed to turbo the barriers and begun pushing them away in a slow and meticulous process while Jess just watches with impatience. You know that scene in the original Austin Powers where he gets stuck trying to three-point turn the golf car in the narrow hallway? Yeah it’s like that.

December 16th, 10:19 pm,

Another level is tagged and bagged as we head back into the city proper. We ask Jess to open the door for our warthog to which she runs down the level killing guys while we sit like a prized stallion that didn’t get let out the gate.

She says she got caught up having too much fun.

December 16th, 10:22 pm,

Rule #7: There is one and ONLY one time that is acceptable to give up the warthog and can be displayed in the following mathematical formula:

Warthog > Rocket Goose

Seriously, those things are so much fun.

December 16th, 10:25 pm,

After doing lots of jumps and flips we finally get to kill our first Scarab. Brice is a bit hesitant to board it after his mishaps on the first one in Halo 2 so I clean shop.

December 16th, 10:37 pm,

We finish the level and blow up the giant flak cannon and watch the cut-scene only to see the Flood show up. Jess tells us she has to leave and after leaving, Brice comments that he can’t blame her for being smart. He would have left for this part too.

December 16th, 11:42 pm,

I’ve decided to skip ahead because there’s nothing that hasn’t been said before about how much crap just went down. The new pure forms are annoying as shit. Especially for Brice, who only had melee weapons and couldn’t do anything about the ones shooting him from the tops of buildings.

I will say I learned a new lesson myself. It’s not a good idea to run forward while using the flamethrower. There’s a 98% chance you will spontaneously combust.

December 16th, 11:45 pm,

It’s getting late as we start the Ark level. We’ve charged through the early sniper infiltration part and have secured a warthog. Brice can’t figure out why I’m just sitting at the edge of the cliff until Forward Unto Dawn comes screaming in. I jump out of the warthog to watch as he gets sent hurdling through the air flipping backwards multiple times until landing in a cave. His words? “Dude that was so not cool, but at the same time, it was amazing.”

December 16th, 12:01 am,

Brice and I are heading along in our own separate tanks and everything is going dandy until Brice forgets the golden rule about Halo: nothing is ever done by accident. Ignoring two little “harmless” grunts in favor of going toe to toe with the nearby Wraith, Brice learns the hard way that two grunts with fuel rods at point blank range are a worse threat than a tank with only one mortar round.

He somehow survives, but loses all the poor bastards sitting on his treads thinking they were going to be able to return home to their wives someday.

December 16th, 12:01 am,

Remember how I wrote about Brice, his tank, and deadly Grunts? Yeah he just got his tank stickied to death and is now sitting behind an energy shield praying I can save him.

Some people never learn…..

December 16th, 12:09 am,

After clearing to the backside of the building, Brice jumps in another tank while I jet around in the Guass Hog. I go Dukes of Hazzard and “land” (it was a rough translation of crash) the warthog on the Scarab and quickly blow its core. Unfortunately, Brice didn’t hear the warning klaxons of the doomed vehicle and proceeded to park his scorpion right next to it firing off shots. A Scorpion is tough, but it’s not Scarab going supernova tough.

December 16, 12:18 am,

I’m getting really tired as time seems to be blurring into one another. All I can remember is a Mauler, a Hammer, Brice tripping balls when he finds himself interrupting a Brute circle jerk, and some incendiary grenades. All in all, just a regular day in the office.

December 16th, 12:24 am,

This is the one and only time I’ll give Brice every right to bitch like a girl who just got kicked off of a Bret Michaels reality show: Spartan Laser.

Sucks to be you Brice.

December 16th, 12:28 am

Some people will argue that the laser is better than the rocket launcher. The thing is, rockets don’t have charging times. I wish someone could tell that to the marine, my dead body and blown up Mongoose.

December 16th, 12:31 am,

Whether to fatigue, general failure, or the fact that we’ve been playing Halo for over 15 hours, we owe a few of our respawns to this part in the level. For whatever reason, we just didn’t have the right stuff. Luckily things shape up after I roll the warthog into a crevice dropping us down into the hallway we need to be in. Brice calls it luck and not skill. When I ask if he’s really going to complain, he just tells me he’s so damn happy to have it.

December 16th, 12:44 am,

We get to fly hornets finally and Brice is happy as a cucumber. Meanwhile, I fall asleep and crash us into a mountain side. In retrospect, of all the vehicles to fall asleep in, I choose the worst one possible. Brice carries the way while I sit parked and determine to glitch through solid rock.

December 16th, 12:48 am,

Realizing Brice is going to catch on that I’m passing out while he’s doing all the “heavy lifting,” I get smart and jump in my vehicle as a passenger and let my AI do all the work. It’s the first time I’ve ever sat shotgun in a warthog during a single player mission ever. I think it’s kind of scary that the video game more or less played itself for a solid ten minutes.

The important thing? Brice never solves Blue’s Clues.

December 16th, 12:49 am,

I screw up big time. As we enter the citadel to stop Truth, I don't like the fact that Brice is ahead of me. I snap off both chambers of my rocket launcher and catch him square in the back. The initial impact hurdles his dead body through the final room and the door quickly locks behind him. So now I'm stuck outside and can't trigger the cut scene and he's dead forcing us to do a restart. Whoops.

December 16th, 1:01 am,

We kill some Scarabs and then hang out with some Flood only to kill everything by the end. Maybe it was because I was delusional, but I could have sworn Gravemind was singing his last little message to us. I guess I really just want this to be Little Shop of Horrors so bad.

December 16th, 1:03 am,

I call an immediate Slurpee break. Brice couldn’t agree more.

December 16th, 1:10 am,

Being as tired as we are, we decide to just go get Icees instead because they are closer. I risk brain freeze and consume as much as possible. I figure I’ve got an hour before the sugar high wears off.

I don’t really count the last level as the true last level because… well it really is more of an ending for the series.

Either way, I find it Ironic that the next hour and 20 minutes is nothing but Flood time.

Brice and I pull up our boots for the last hurrah.

December 16th, 1:43 am,

Brice is wishing that he could physically materialize the shotgun or swords we are using to mow down these Flood as we get back to back cut scenes of both Cortana AND Gravemind making us run at the speed of a paraplegic.

Brice just looks at me and keeps muttering “One fucking time huh?”

December 16th, 1:50 am,

The Final Flood Rule: If you are going to die, make it count. Never die with grenades unused. If you don’t you just look like a pansy and increase potential suck-meters into the “really sucky” level.

As we book it after saving that babe Cortana, (SEE: Hentai), we finally get ready for the final level.

December, 16th, 1:55 am,

Brice “accidentally” blows me up with the fuel rod cannon after I shoot him for laughing at me falling down a hole that I jumped blindly across, not realizing I was looking the wrong way.

Did you get all that? Because neither one of us can still explain it.

December, 16th, 2:22 am,

Johnson takes it like a man leading into the lamest final boss battle in the history of video games. The irony here is that after all his abusive manipulation of screwing teammates through out the games (I stress plural for all three), he doesn’t pick up our fallen comrade’s laser and proceeds to use his Assault Rifle and frag grenades to no avail. After all is said and done and he keeps getting pushed back, he freaks out saying, “Now what?”

Tired and frustrated, I pick up the laser and end it. Apparently for some people, that’s not an easy ending after all.

The sad part? He still never realizes the whole Johnson thing. The only thing he does say, is “dude looks like a raisin,” referring to the fact that his face was all messed up.

Classy Brice.

December 16th, 2:44 am,

We’ve set the 04-2 to blow and are booking it back to Dawn. I always liked the level whereas most people feel it was a cop out from Bungie to meet deadlines. Again, Bungie is the king of repetition.

Brice and I had some ups and downs as we raced away. The most notable would be in the fact that Brice barreled ahead as I slowed down (you’d think he would smell a trap by now) and as that pillar crashed through on the final sharp turn Brice plummeted to his death screaming, “Oh no!”

Oh yes Brice, oh yes.

December 16th, 2:47 am

We watch the final cut scene and to which Brice only makes two comments, “Why didn’t Cortana just close the fucking doors?”

And when he learned of the MC’s death (remember we played it on normal), his only reply was, “What a pussy.”

Yeah Brice, he personally killed a bazillion enemies, saved the entire human race and Earth, but yeah, I can see how that be misconstrued as weak sauce.

The funny thing? I didn’t tell him for three weeks that he actually survived.

Jessica’s total deaths: 9
Brice’s total deaths: 19
Matt’s total deaths: 22

Total Restarts: 6

So there you have it, as you can see, having that third player around really increased the mortality rate. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that most of our deaths were friendly fire related.

Anyways, thanks for joining us and stay frosty! Next Halo Day will be Halo Wars, Halo 3: ODST and Halo Reach!

Until next time,

Halo Day Part 2

2009-12-31T14:55:00.000-08:00

I apologize about the delays, the holidays make blogging pretty much impossible.
As mentioned from yesterweek's blog, this is a continuation of the events that unfolded December 16th, 2009 forever now known as Halo Day.

Also as this is the last day of the year I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Remember, it's TWENTY-TEN. Don't mess that up.

Halo 2

December 16th, 2:29 p.m.

We are angry. We had realized the need for food earlier and had told ourselves as we got close to the end of the first Halo we would have the foresight to order pizza to be strategically delivered during our break between games. When fighting the Flood agendas and day planners are the first causalities.

December 16th, 2:31 p.m.

We have ordered Papa Johns. There was a Thursday special. This lifts are spirits as we crack into Halo 2. While the game was setting up, I discover a friend’s old clan name for the original Xbox Live. I need to confront him on this “Team SuckaNut” later. Didn’t realize he was into dudes.

I’m immediately disappointed because while playing the game in its co-op mode, you miss the first two opening cut scenes. Regardless, we are instantly mesmerized by the upgraded graphics. Brice still hasn’t caught on that Sergeant Johnson not only survived his murderous betrayal, but he also escaped the first Halo’s destruction. It’s like he isn’t even paying attention.

Rookie.

December 16th, 2:42 p.m.

I try and update Brice on the things to remember as far as differences go in Halo 2. I tell him he can carry TWO guns at one time to which he replies, “So do I have a third arm to throw grenades? I didn’t think so.” Smart ass.

December 16th, 2:44 p.m.

The first death goes to Brice. Ironically, it was friendly fire from an AI trooper voiced by David Cross. I always told him one day the Jews would get him.

December 16th, 2:57 p.m.

Brice starts complaining about the lack of the original pistol from the first Halo. He tells me it’s a “game changer,” and that he’d be kicking even more ass if Bungie hadn’t screwed it up. He instantly stops complaining when he discovers a shotgun and is thankful for its introduction in the first level. Out of consequence he becomes skeptical about whether or not the Flood will show up saying, “They left that gun because they’re HERE.”

December 16th, 3:03 p.m.

We have completed the first level of Halo 2. Brice strategized with a plan while facing the wrong door of the elevator. I took his mistake to slip out and kill everything while he complained about not being able to get in the room. By the time he turned around, it was all over.

During the cut scene, we noticed how much of a beefcake the Master Chief really is.

December 16th 3:13 p.m.

We have started the next level. Brice is standing conveniently in front of two doors that are about to explode outward with Hunters. I refrain from telling him because…. PIZZA IS HERE! The war for humanity is put on pause.

December 16th 3:27 p.m.

After gorging ourselves on celebratory pizza, we continue the fight. Even I have forgotten all about the Hunters…. Whoops.

December 16th 3:33 p.m.

I really want to take some of the shortcuts across the roofs of the buildings to shave down on time, but by the same token, I want Brice to “soak it in,” by soak I mean absorb all the bullets he’s taking from Covenant plasma rifles and perishing. War isn’t pretty.

December 16th 3:35 p.m.

Brice just traded his gimpy plasma pistol for a rocket launcher to some poor marine covering our six. Because you know, that’s fair. If Halo was real, I would never want to fight with this selfish bastard. I’ll say a prayer for the Marine later.

December 16th 3:45 p.m.

Brice bobs when he should have weaved landing himself in the middle of a gangbang of elites. I had a sniper and could have saved him, but sometimes life’s lessons are only learned through a respawn.

December 16th 3:52 p.m.

Brice has abandoned me and my warthog for a ghost as if I was some no-named dime store hooker. His excuse? “Dude, this thing has BOOSTY.”

Bitch.

December 16th, 4:12 p.m.

Brice learns the hard way that tanks in Halo 2 have a severe speed reduction. It’s like the tortoise and the hare as I blaze the way with my rocket warthog team. I can tell Brice is trying to take potshots at me with his cannon, but missing saying that he’s providing “covering fire.”

December 16th, 4:13 p.m.

I now discover why they give you a TANK at the beginning of the level. Waiting for Brice to catch up and looking the wrong way, two banshees, two ghosts and two Wraiths blitzkrieg me, killing my rocketeer instantly and eventually blowing my warthog to kingdom come. I survive, running around doing an intricate dance to not get blown up by the dual tanks. I could swear Brice stops to savor the moment. He finally struts in cleaning shop.

December 16th, 4:14 p.m.

Apparently Brice doesn’t like to remember the lessons he learns as he hands me my first death of the game yet again. With no vehicle, I decide to go tank surfing to hitch a ride. All was fine and dandy until we encounter three lonely grunts, I picked them off with my battle Rifle as Brice spun up his machine gun. He laced into me for several seconds before finally firing off the main cannon and blowing me up. I looked at him and he blankly stared back asking, “What? Did I do that?” He proceeds to tell me that I should have been ready for the consequences of surfing on his tank saying “no one rides for free.”

December 16th, 4:23 p.m.

Brice sees a ghost and ditches the strongest weapon in the game so he can go fast. I think he’s been watching too much Top Gun and Top Gun on the Ground (aka Days of Thunder). Brice is still caught up on doing Star Fox “boosty tricks” while me and some Marines fight the good fight. As I finish the level, he gets angry with me stating, “I was about to land that.” I question whether his heart is in it to finish this fight.

December 16th, 4:31 p.m.

We finally take down the Scarab only to see Brice die three times within three seconds in the last precious seconds the exact same way. He went to go give a tap-tap to a grunt when he got sworded from the side. As I backtracked, he got spawned back in… right in front of the same elite with the same result. Peeved he threw the controller down only to come back and let the Elite get sloppy thirds. Brice translates the event as something similar to what Hungarian sex slave’s experience. I don’t follow.

December 16th, 4:42 p.m.

We had to take a slight intermission to pick up Taylor. Neither of us was happy to take a break as we just see the internal clock in our heads wind down. When we get back, it’s straight to business.

December 16th, 4:55 p.m.

We’ve started the Arbiter levels. While the cloaking is a fun little tool, Brice and I decided to leave the cloak and dagger stuff to the pansies and go “balls deep.” We alleviate our recent frustrations by swording many, many grunts.

December 16th, 4:59 p.m.

I’ve come to realize that Brice has a serious medical condition in toggling switches and going through doors. Just like in the first level of the game, he is stuck waiting for an elevator while I fight for my life on the floor below. Personally, I think he’s playing aloof and seeing if I can survive… yet again. Only after I clear the room, does the elevator come back up for him. Convenient.

December 16th, 5:13 p.m.

Brice and I get our first encounter with the Flood. Seeing how we just came off a losing battle with them in the first game, we are both dreading this like the scheduling our first prostate exam. As we fight, I notice Brice begins complaining a lot more than usual. I just hope we can barrel through this and move on because Brice tends to bitch in a high pitched voice that doesn’t let me concentrate.

December 16th, 5:17 p.m.

We finally get to fly the new Banshees. The first few minutes, we don’t even bother fighting instead doing “flips and shit.” For the rest of each game it should be pointed out that we hummed Kenny Loggins "Highway to the Danger Zone," sometimes only in our heads. Finally, realizing we have to get back to business, we go bust some chops.

December 16th, 5:21 p.m.

Probably my favorite death of Brice’s the entire game. After cutting all the cords holding the floating station away, the structure begins to free fall. Unfortunately for Brice, he is caught jumping at this precise moment and can’t catch up with the similar falling station resulting in a player death that leaves him dumbfounded and me cracking up. Sorry B.

December 16th, 5:25 p.m.

Taylor has become antsy being unable to participate in the bloodfest kill-a-thon (NOTE: consult Webster’s to have this awesome word added to their pages). To appease him, we take a break to play Kung Fu Chaos on his original Xbox. I can’t tell you how much fun this game is and is right up there with Pac-Man and Galaga. I took extra joy in knowing that Brice became visibly frustrated at the fact that Taylor was legitimately whooping his butt due to him not knowing the control scheme.

December 16th, 5:37 p.m.

Taylor has found some shiny object or a jawbreaker or something to distract him. We storm the gates of the next level, Delta Halo. The mission starts non-chalantly as we ride a burning trail of fire and destruction to the ground to whoop on some grunts. Brice is going toe to toe while I snipe from a far.

December 16th, 5:42 p.m.

Once again Brice shows his disregard for the fellow man after he takes the very rocket launcher I give to our passenger in “shotgun.” I stop the Warthog and look at him until he realizes the error of his ways. I took joy in hearing the ODST unit tell Brice he was going to do a lot more damage with it in his hands. Well done computer.

December 16th, 5:45 p.m.

Apparently, the when circling a structure being bombarded by Wraith tanks, it is a wise idea to remember that just because they can’t hit you, doesn’t mean you can’t race around back into the original blast. Instead of dying via tank round, I drive us off a cliff. I stand by my decision.

December 16th, 5:48 p.m.

Dumbfounded at my recent choice, Brice proceeds to chastise me about “stepping it up.” The ensuing ribbing stalls us at the respawn in time for the same Wraith tank to triangulate on us and open up. I try to swerve around it, but it hits close enough to carry my momentum back off a different cliff. Strike two.

December 16th, 5:52 p.m.

Brice and I are ducking behind the wreckage of the warthog after our OWN pelican dropped a weapon pod directly on it. It looks like in the future, they still haven’t solved that friendly fire problem that wars seem to carry.

December 16th, 5:58 p.m.

After wrecking shop, I discover that while I can board ghosts, destroy entire planets and pretty much kick anything’s ass, I’m a little clumsy when it comes to small gaps. Assuming I could just walk through it, I plummet to my death alerting Brice that he does indeed need to “jump.” Luckily I spawn in time, to pick up a sniper rifle and pick off the four Elite Honor Guard that run a gang rape on Brice as he tried to lead the way.

December 16th 6:03 p.m.

We dispatch some hunters and end up on a hovering tram kind of thing. Brice takes notice of this boat of the future and we begin singing “I’m on a boat,” for the remainder of the level. That tune is catchy.

December 16th, 6:05 p.m.

In the middle of our joyous maritime jubilee, I pick up a rocket launcher and rediscover the Halo 2 Lock-on ability. After firing off a few rockets prematurely, I begin to play with my prey letting them know that all the Star Fox maneuvers in the world can’t save them. I’m glad they took this out by the next game. It was almost too easy.

December 16th, 6:15 p.m.

We get aboard the underwater Wonkavator. I’m tempted to hum “We all live in a Yellow Submarine,” but Brice turns on his flashlight and reloads his shotgun and I decide to pass.

December 16th, 6:25 p.m.

We enter the prophet’s chambers to wear Brice gets a blast of Prophet attack in the face. Not yet dead, I cowboy up and proceed to go roper doper on his face deliver the “bunches of punches” technique. Brice’s final words for the level are the following, “Dude, you just punched him in his god damn throat.”

December 16th, 6:26 p.m.

Brice gets furious over seeing the Master Chief jump into the water stating that he has tried to swim numerous times so far and it’s a failure every time. I note that he’s not really swimming as he is more sinking with style. This doesn’t console him. I think he just misses his beach from the original Halo.

December 16th, 6:31 p.m.

Brice and I come to a very scary moment of clarity. We are now fighting flood, killer super-sized sentinels and we don’t have any shotguns. We’re not amused. I think I actually heard Brice whimper.

December 16th, 6:39 p.m.

Maybe it’s the panic the Flood stirs, or maybe it’s Brice not being use to playing as the Arbiter, but he forgets to use his cloak. A LOT. I barrel through, sneaking past places I don’t want to be while he’s left behind. We could really use Halo’s teleporter check point system to let him keep up. He’s fighting a losing battle and I’m breezing through it.

December 16th, 6:45 p.m.

Rule #3 about the Flood is the following: If you MUST engage the Flood go for the one with the most powerful weapon first. i.e. don’t kill the plasma pistol Flood if the one next to him has a shotgun. The results vary in ways of suckiness.
This is to be followed in conjunction with previous #1 and 2 rules being, Don’t fight them at all just run, and Never go fisticuffs with a Carrier form, respectively.

December 16th, 6:51 p.m.

After fighting an insane amount of Flood on an elevator (THIS IS OUR HOUSE!) we finally move on into the labyrinth below. The sheer size of the level is lost on most people because they are too busy fighting to stay alive.
I find myself experiencing vertigo while flying through all the twisty pipes. Brice dies when he can’t figure out how to open a steam piston to drop down and takes a few infection forms up the derriere.

December 16th, 7:00 p.m.

We are still trying to retrieve this damn Icon/Index and the most infuriating part is we are on another hover boat (we are not singing this time as the Flood are serious business) and I’m starting to physically track our progress. We can barrel rush through Halo 3 in about 5 hours, but as it stands, we are running out of time. As it is we are going to go way into the wee morning.

On a side note, I somehow sworded through the floor of the hover boat. WTF. I had a shotgun!

Brice asks if we are almost done with this game. I lie and tell him everything will be OK. He eyes me suspiciously until the cat is out of the bag and they announce we are trying to get to the Library. “Mother fucker” aren’t exactly what Brice’s eyes convene, but it will do.

December 16th 7:30 p.m.

The last 30 minutes were filled with more swearing than a sailor on a Sunday. I’m just going to move on. I will say this though, maybe it’s because I have watched too much Star Trek, but in what world does a ship’s captain go down on dangerous missions and leave her ship unattended? I mean it’s not like In Amber Clad will get infected and taken over or anything…

December 16th, 7:33 p.m.

Brice agrees that Halo has suddenly just become a clone of Little Shop of Horrors, minus Rick Moranis of course. I mean come on Bungie, you really had no clue? We watch as the Master Chief and Arbiter become BFFs.

December 16th, 7:43 p.m.

While fighting Ghost/Wraith/Scorpion infected tanks I want to point out a very special note to Brice. It is very difficult to only just kill the driver. Brice keeps getting angry with me saying “Dude I was about to jack that,” and mad that he has to huff it on foot for parts of the level. Next time don’t lose your Ghost going boosty at the beginning of the level.

December 16th, 7:56 p.m.

I have to give a lot of credit and a lot of deaths to Brice. Taylor had become antsy in wanting to not get ready for bed leaving me to have to abandon my post. It looks like it was a slow and painful process for him to clear most of the High Charity level. By the time I picked up my controller again, he simply told me he never wanted to talk about it. I tell him on one of the 2-minute long gravity lifts he has a nice butt. He’s still not amused.

December 16th, 8:11 p.m.

Switch back to some Arbiter mayhem. Call it fatigue, but Brice and I start trying to kill our allies at every turn. Since you never fight humans and there aren’t any flood around, the bad guys seem just kind of merge together. I fall back on the safety of my dual Needlers and let them deliver Judge Dredd justice. Needless to say, some shit gets blown up. Rinse. Repeat.

December 16th, 8:29 p.m.

We finish killing Brutes and what not and start kicking butt once more as the Master Chief. Brice and I starting to get a little tired of the constant Brute rushes. At some point Roslyn enters the room asking us meticulous questions about the game. Every time something goes wrong, I blame it on her.

December 16th, 8:43 p.m.

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but Brice get’s utterly lost. By the time I realize it, I’m more than half way up the map. I backtrack to find him stuck in the open courtyard doing laps. He’ll run around and then look it at me yelling “how the hell did you get there?” I tell him to look to his right. All he can say is. “Fuck me.”

December 16th 8:46 p.m.

Wanting this level to be desperately over, I do a grenade hop on top of the level and run like the dickens while Brice blasts away on the ground below. Finally we get to the end and we watch us take the most badass slip and slide that could ever be conceived.

December 16th, 8:47

We start the last mission to which Brice is already bummed that we finish the game as the Arbiter. He jumps on the Spectre and finds immediate disappointment in the AI’s driving ability leaving to pretty much get decimated. Luckily my tank is dropping pain like presents at Christmas.

December 16th, 8:57 p.m.

We get to the Scarab and I again get sidetracked. By the time I get back, Brice has pretty much cleaned shop. He tells me he lives for the vehicle moments so I try to drop my banshee on him as he goes through the front door.

December 16th, 9:02 p.m.

I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but Brice tried to sticky an unaware Brute. However, he missed by centimeters and the grenade bounced back attaching itself to Brice’s body. Not only did he die, but the resulting explosion sprung the trap early leaving me to fend for myself.

December 16th, 9:04 p.m.

Brice comes back into the game literally right behind the initial captain he was trying to stick and gives him one to the back of the dome. You can’t say the game doesn’t try to keep things fair on the easier difficulties.

December 16th, 9:15 p.m.

We get to the main ring and fight Tartar Sauce in a playful association with Tarturus. As I say this Brice realizes he’s hungry. What Brice doesn’t realize is I’ve been secretly eating more pizza downstairs in between level loads. Whoops.

December 16th 9:17 p.m.

I round a corner into Tartar Sauce and get concussed too far in jump over the edge of the map. I tell Brice to be careful, where he goes and shoots him and then swords him killing him. Brice looks and me asks, “that’s it?”

Try playing the game on legendary punkass.

Johnson and Miranda come back up and we all talk about going back to earth. I cry a little as I realize we’ll be here until at least 2:30 a.m. playing Halo 3.

Brice's total deaths: 46*
Matt's total deaths: 28
Total restarts: 9

Let the Good Times Roll. (see: Sarcasm) Halo 3 here we come.

* Should reflect that Brice died 5 times while continuing to play while I abandoned my post. The record should in fact reflect that he died only 41 times, but seeing how we are not sure how many deaths he actually accumulated while I was gone (and not recording) and seeing how since he sucks considerably when I am not around to carry his weak ass, this number was probably a lot higher so we decided to come to an average middle ground.

Halo Day

2009-12-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I conducted what I thought would be a little experiment that turned into a challenge that would test my stamina, patience and coordination beyond any recordable measure.

For you see, Brice and I completed Halo, Halo 2, and Halo 3 back to back to back in one sitting. He had never played all of them and didn't know the whole story. To me, that was like letting a kid watch all six Star Wars together. I had to oblige him.

Hence forth, December 16th, 2009 shall forever be known as Halo Day. Enjoy the break down of this event over the next few days of my blog.

The statistics?

For all THREE games, it took us 17 hours and 16 minutes resulting in 215 (5*) player deaths, and 27 restarts with a total of three people playing.

During this game fest 2 pizzas, 2 bags of chips, 12 chicken wings, 2 coffees, 2 Icees, one 2-liter of Dr. Pepper, a Snickers bar and a handful of Reese’s Pieces were consumed. To my recollection, there was not one potty break.

The log speaks for itself below.

Halo

December 15th, 9:49 p.m.

I find myself worrying that Brice might not be up to the task of our Halo Marathon tomorrow after realizing he is foolishy staying up late to play Left 4 Dead 2 while I enjoy the romantic comedy 500 Days of Summer and go to bed before double digits read off on the clock like a senior citizen. Hopefully my girlfriend doesn’t catch me thinking about a man while we are cuddling.

December 16th, 8:30 a.m.

Slumber was delightful. I feel rejuvenated. I tried calling Brice to make sure he was ready for our Halo Marathon. No answer. Knowing him, he probably purposefully ignored my call. I’ll harass him in a few minutes while I go make a coffee run.

December 16th, 8:47 a.m.

Got a hold of Brice. It was like talking to an angry panda bear, more guttural sounds came from him than intelligent words. Regardless, I bribed him with his kryptonite: White peppermint mocha with all the fixings and extra delicious. Whatever the end result, the die has been cast.

December 16th, 9:29 a.m.

We start playing Halo. I make the mistake of not inverting my thumbsticks and have to play the entire first level backwards. The result is what it would look like if the military ever resorted to drafting mental handicap children into the army. Brice carried the way.

December 16th, 9:33 a.m.

The first betrayal! Brice panicked when instantly teleported to my location and cracked me in the back of the dome. It seems like even in the distant future where mankind struggles for survival, the parables of Cain and Abel still have not been learned. I will avenge myself when I can.

December 16th, 9:47 a.m.

After a quick restart my controls were back to normal. However I proceed to make my first actual death one where I fell off the cliff while shooting at bad guys. I tried to convince Brice that the controls were still awkward but he wasn’t buying it. Damn it.

December 16th, 9:55 a.m.

Another death on my part. I forgot that the original Halo had fall damage and I foolishly leapt from the top of the tower to save some Marine buddies. Brice accidentally killed Sergeant Johnson. I foresee this either as blatant racism, or the sinister intention of perfecting his betraying skills to catch me unawares. I wonder if Brice’s actions could some how change the game seeing how he just killed one of the most important characters in the game in the first few minutes.

December 16th, 10:01 a.m.

I have been avenged. Foehammer dropped the warthog off and I immediately drove it off a cliff flipping it and squashing Brice on the gunner seat while surviving like the badass I am. Another thing I forgot: How poor the warthog handles in the first game. It’s like comparing a mini-van to a F1 race car. I’m going to need to shake off the rust for the end Pillar of Autumn run.

December 16th, 10:45 a.m.

Things have been proceeding well. I found I’m not as sloppy with the sniper rifle as I feared and Brice has been cleaning house pretty well. Brice discovered the hard way that trying to fight a cloaked sword Elite with your face doesn’t work out in your favor.

December 16th, 11:24 a.m.

Brice and I discover what Halo’s creators, Bungie, do best. Make you backtrack. While playing the Silent Cartographer we ran all over the place. Brice almost gave up the fight right then and there saying he wanted to take a vacation to the beautiful and tranquil beaches.

December 16th, 11:47 a.m.

Brice, in all his infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to t-bone me at full speed with his tank while I waited in the Warthog. The ending result flipped the hog and then squished me in between it and a wall.

December 16th, 12:01 p.m.

Brice just discovered what happens when you stand still on the back of a warthog in the middle of a battlefield. Sticky to the head.

December 16th, 12:15 p.m.

We took a shortcut by jumping in a banshee before it took off to get to the control room. Shaved off at least 30 minutes. I got knocked out by plasma fire and feeling vengeful stole Brice’s Banshee for some payback… which resulted in another death. Luckily Brice had the common sense to complete the mission.

December 16th, 12:43 p.m.

Brice and I have come to some decisions about Halo. The Flood suck. Shotguns rock.

December 16th, 12:52 p.m.

Brice learns two cold hard lessons. I will leave him behind to die if it’s the Flood. Elevator are not toys. If you jump enough on them, you will glitch and fall through them.

December 16th, 1:03 p.m.

Damn this library is redonkulously big. I still don’t understand why Guilty Spark can’t just teleport us to the freaking index. I feel like this a carnival ride gone retardedly wrong.

December 16th, 1:10 p.m.

I don’t think I can ever eat popcorn shrimp again as they remind me too much of Flood infection forms. Brice is particularly angry after trying to pet one and having it latch on to him and kill him while he was waiting for his shields to recharge.

December 16th, 1:27 p.m.

Correction from previous journal. The Flood suck on different levels. Flood with rocket launchers or shotguns are maximum suck.

December 16th, 1:41 p.m.

It seems like we just can’t make friends in the future. Covenant, Flood, and now flying laser beam bots all want our heads on pikes. Replaying the control level map. I’m aware I’m in the same place, but I’m too busy trying to stay alive to care.

December 16th, 1:57 p.m.

I’m a little disappointed Brice didn’t see that huge gaping hole in the Truth and Reconcilation and now is making us fight in the dark with the flood. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was scripted that way because I am evil.

December 16th, 2:10 p.m.

Last level, but I’m getting a little sick of Brice’s betraying ways. He just shotgunned me in the face when he mistook me for a HUNTER…. As a result I now have more deaths than him. Being the case that I am the better player and refuse to have it go down this way, I cracked him on the skull twice and intend to “accidentally” kill him in the last few minutes of the game.

December 16th, 2:24 p.m.

The deaths are tied up after I backed over him when the warthog flipped on the PoA run. I tricked him into hopping out of the warthog where Foehammer dies and almost left him behind. We’re so close.

December 16th, 2:26 p.m.

SUCCESS! I made it to the Longsword. Brice got gunned down on the final run and didn’t survive.

Brice’s total deaths: 35
Matt’s total deaths: 34
Full restarts: 9

Check back tomorrow for Halo 2’s log!

* The 5 deaths have been posthumously added because they were incurred while I was taking out the trash cans. While they do count, I didn't add them to the total because I wasn't there to witness them or prevent them.

Pet Peeves for a 50th Post

2009-12-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

I was in the middle of a delicious blog when my damn laptop overheated on me resulting in saving NONE of my work. Blamo! So as a 50th post enjoy!

So in a pinch, I give you something I started compiling that even the insane would lament. If you are anything like me, there are some things in life which will drive you completely bat-shit crazy. Below, I present you with the things that get under my skin the quickest:

Saying you don’t like reading:

This is just stupid. To me, all this translates to is the equivalent of saying you are a cave man and want to be entertained as such. Reading is quintessential for advancing our society and if you don’t like it than go die under a rock and don’t procreate.

Chain e-mail/texts:

This one isn’t as transparent as you might think. Yes no one likes gambling on the 50/50 chance that it is exposed genitals and similar NSFW items or spiritual/inspirational messages.

No the thing that irks me (at least with the e-mails) is that your information get’s stamped for all to see and collect. I really don’t want to end up getting Sonoma catalog updates because someone went willy nilly over a missing person posting.

Sitting on the same side of a booth at a restaurant:

I can guarantee that anyone who has ever sat next to me at a resturaunt has heard me bitch about this one. I mean come on, why would anyone turn their head 90 degrees for that indefinitely unless the AC was set to “icebox.” If there isn’t room for my elbows when I cut my steak, I’m not having it. Besides, how else are you going to get lost in my baby blue eyes?

Talking to me on your cell phone while driving to meet me:

Something just happened to you that is so prolific it’s going to change the world. Great. But you don’t need to tell me about it as you drive over to tell me about it. I mean that’s just plain redundant and takes away from the time where we can socialize and leaves us with awkward silences in time. Just listen to your iPod.

Last minute lane changers:

To all of you who abuse this. Burn in hell. Not only is it the single most selfish act you could ever commit. You know your destination and now by not merging when you could have do you not only slow down traffic further, but you also trap people who try to use the lane for its intended purpose making them feel as helpless a kitten with tape on its paw.

Talking on your cell phone while checking out:

On the opposite end of the talking spectrum, many people fall prey to this in the sense that by talking on your cell phone, not only are you being incredibly rude, but you are also sharing you business and your life with someone who for the most part doesn’t care why you are having such a hard time choosing between the best matching colors for your drapes.

Even worse are Bluetooth headsets for their ability to lure unsuspecting people into thinking you actually want to talk with them. It’s tragic because seconds later you’ll find that not only do they NOT care enough about you to point out and establish they like to dress up as a Borg with their hidden ear pieces, but that you are basically a nameless robot automaton not worth their time.

Checking your order before you leave the fast food window:

I don’t have a problem with checking your food. Most of these people get paid minimum wage and in my neck of the woods probably don’t have a tight grasp on the English lexicon.

However, that is by no means a justification for checking the food at the window to see if you rolled the diced and landed as a winner. Why? Because even if they did mess up, it will still take precious time to fix their errors. The fast food assembly line a well oiled machine and when you try to throw a monkey wrench in their cogs, they just slip you back into the rotation. This results in other people who waiting even longer when you could have pulled around. Don’t be a doofus. It’ not wise to anger a hungry person. (see: Cannibalism)

Not pulling up all the way in gas stations:

Quick and simple, the most regularly purchased commodities are food, liquids, and gas. If you don’t want to think of others and share the station, don’t be surprised one day when someone goes Mad Max on your ass.

The Express lane:

Let me make this clear. The ONLY exception to the 15 item rules is anything you pick up while physically checking out. That means gum, candy snacks and tabloids people, nothing more, nothing less.

For those of you who still use checks….. oh never mind.

Door Holding:

This is my favorite in the fact that is the most regular occurring and therefore most annoying. The best part is that it’s not what you would think. If people don’t say thank you, it’s as easily dismissed as the person asking for donations outside my local grocery store.

No, it’s for every single person who has to “check” that I’m really going to hold the door for them. In what world did anyone ever get tricked that instead of holding the door someone violently slammed it in their face? If a door isn’t Star Trekked out by now and automatic most doors have spring hinges these days to prevent a door from just simply slamming it. And yet every single one of you is guilty of suspecting this breaching treachery as if we were all commie spies during the Cold War.

All I’m saying is if you check my door in the future, I’m going to start seriously considering giving you a reason to. With a grin on my face.

BEWARE!

I AM SAM

2009-12-14T18:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Sam Raimi,

Why must you let me down so much?

You used to make great movies like the Evil Dead Trilogy among many others. You used to make me laugh. Now all you do is make me cry.

I thought maybe in Spider-Man 3, you might have had a rough patch in your personal life as of late. Maybe your wife discovered the purpose of hiring cute, 18-year-old personal assistants and put a stop to it. Maybe your body was snatched up by a pod and now an alien zombie copy of you has taken your place.

Either way, I try to look past your failure and move to the future. After recent news, all I can ask is this: Have you ever read a comic book in your life?

Spider-Man is not Emo, he is not into Jazz hands, and he certainly doesn’t take his mask off every 15 seconds to show us how blue his eyes are.

So stop fucking it up already….. sir.

The fact that you hobbled Venom, one of Spidey’s worst villains and combined him a character that you half-ass pulled out of comic lore and then infused it with your own primadona needs was supposed to teach you a lesson that when you play god, it bites you in the face.

Did you ever read the feedback or did you just watch the dollar signs rain down on your cash cow franchise?

Let me explain this as simple as I can: WE DO NOT NEED NEW MADE-UP VILLAINS! You have plenty of bad guys waiting in the stables, probably more than any other franchise. Vulture: GOOD. Vuluress: STUPID AND BAD. It’s like you are devolving into a caveman with your creative wit in a universe overflowing with possibility.

I know you have signed on for six films, and while I’m disappointed Disney and Marvel don’t seem to put a tighter reign on your affairs, please stop frustrating fans.

Here’s the basic formula to keep Spider-Man 4 amazing. Have Peter struggle with personal character flaws between him and his alter-ego WITHOUT the hair getting slicked back. Introduce the origin of just one villain and create an intricate showdown between the two. Make sure Bruce Campbell reprises a cameo. So far, it is your only bread and butter consistency.

Failing that, let your brother Ted take a shot at it. I don’t see how he could screw it up anymore than you have.

Thank you for your time Mr. Raimi,
Matt

P.S. Drag Me to Hell wasn’t too Shabby, but please think twice before you run off and make another Evil Dead. Don’t fix what isn’t broken.

Just Another Update

2009-12-13T10:08:00.001-08:00

I’m trying to set a personal goal this week of blogging for an entire week straight.

In order to do this, I usually type a blog ahead into the future just in case something unforeseen happens, like I trip and fall into my bed and I can’t get out of it kind of ordeal.

It’s really not that hard to prophesize.

As it is known, I had a birthday on Tuesday. As some would say, I turned a quarter of a century. I had a great celebration the weekend prior with drinking, go-karts, potato skins and more drinking.

Sadly to say, my actual day of birth fell a bit flat.

My mother wasn’t in the mood to go out anywhere outside of a block radius of our house and I just wasn’t in the mood to celebrate my birthday at McDonalds or El Polo Loco. So all we did was stay home and watch some German violinist….. WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I’m sorry, I lost my composure in part to the sheer insanity that was my birthday.
There was one highlight from that day. I got a ticket to go sky diving! I have to admit, I’m completely afraid of doing it, but at the same token, I feel like if I don’t scratch that off my bucket list I’ll always regret it. BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER!
Now it’s just an effort to convince my mom to let me go. It was mentioned I’d be kicked out and disowned if I went… I’ll work on it.

However, I think my mom realized how badly she dropped the ball and the NEXT night we went out to Benihanas in Santa Monica. I have to admit, the flair is a lot of fun and the ambiance was great. But when you couple that to a moronic staff, outrageous prices, and a lack luster of flavor in some of the entrées, it really was a bit superfluous.

Afterwards we all went out ice skating at Santa Monica’s ICE outdoor rink. It really is a lot of fun and I enjoy going every year. Seeing Taylor fall but pick himself up and keep on going is one of those inspirational moments and I’m glad my parents finally got to see it first hand.

To finalize my time off, we all went Christmas tree hunting for the perfect tree. Since my folks have gone fake over the last few years with their trees I decided Taylor would still get to a cut down a real tree and drop it off at the girlfriend’s house. So after an hour of finding the perfect tree to end all trees, we hacked it down and made it our own. It was a bunch of fun.

To end the night, I had to come clean on a debt I owed from a poorly chosen bet. I think the picture sums it up.

Keep it real.

Amanda Knox

2009-12-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I read up on the Amanda Knox trial and I think it’s a clear example of media gone wrong. With a recent jury duty still fresh in my mind, it’s always been my assumption that you are innocent until proven guilty.

Maybe that isn’t the case as I can browse a newsstand or even a checkout lane at the local supermarket and see huge pictures of a girl that read, “AMANDA KNOX: The girl with an Angel’s face and a killer’s eyes.” I mean COME ON.

Who is anyone to throw a stone into that mess. Especially simply to make a buck on it. It’s one thing to report the news, but when commentating begins to run rampant on either side of a case, it only adds fuel to the fires and no longer allows someone to decipher their own decision but conform to someone else’s speculation.

The media, the press, and especially the Italian Courts should be ashamed of themselves.

While scouring the web here’s what I found in the way of facts. I’ll let you make your own decisions. Keep in mind, I have no way of verifying the validity of these facts, I can only say that the ones I posted were listed at least more than once on what I hope to be considered credible websites.

Amanda Knox

Amanda Knox couldn’t get her story straight and changed it multiple times.
She first said that she was at her boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, until 10 a.m. the following day the murder took place.

According to sources and her father’s accusation, the Italian police interpreter had not remained neutral resulting in an aggressive interrogation that changed Amanda’s story to where she had been in the house at the time and was in the kitchen when she heard a scream.

She and Raffaele were witnessed at a local supermarket around 7:45 am and the owner confessed he was not sure if they purchased anything, but a receipt found at Sollecito’s residence confirmed the purchase of bleach.

She was found at the scene of the crime sitting outside in a calm demeanor.

She later went on to accuse Patrick Diya Lumumba a local bar-owner as an accomplice and then later accused Raffaele Sollecito of the murder as written in her diary during her stay in prison.

The Murder Scene.

Meredith Kercher’s room was covered with blood. She died from apparently downing on her own blood from a slit throat.

Amanda Knox’s DNA was not found anywhere in the room.

A bloody foot print sized to match Raffaele Sollecito was found. A bra-fastener with his DNA on it was also discovered.

A third suspect, Rudy Guédé’s evidence was found littered around the room as well as inside Meredith.

Rudy Guédé

His story, like everyone else accused has changed inconsistently overtime.

Originally he said he was making out with Meredith (DNA would later reveal the presence of semen inside the victim) when Amanda came to the door of their flat to argue about money and boys. Not wanting to hear it and then feeling ill due to a bad kabob, he went to use the restroom. While he was in their, he heard a loud argument and put his iPod on to listen to some loud music to drone out the sound.

When he finished, he went to discover someone (he later accused this person as being Raffaele) of standing over Meredith’s body with a knife saying “there is a black guy in the house.”

The stranger ran off, and Rudy tried to save a badly bleeding Meredith who muttered the letters, “A-F” before dying. Panicking, Rudy fled the country to Germany where he was arrested for riding a train without a ticket.

CASE INCONSITENCIES:

Several of the crime scenes were contaminated. A blanket in the bedroom was shaken out.

The hard drives of all three suspects laptops were fried when attempted to be examined.

The wrong chemicals were used corrupting some evidence.

The changing of testimonies and statements by all three suspects.

A testimony given by an Italian driving down the road saw Rafaelle and Amanda holding a knife and hiding, both had long hair and the time was wrong.

The lack of an attorney to be present before the interrogation.

An inconsistent pattern between the knife linked and the actual damage of the wound inflicted.

The fact that two judges were allowed to serve as jury in concordance with other jury members being allowed to be exposed to media events.

All three suspects were found guilty. The prosecution claimed it was a manga (that’s a comic book folks) that induced a sex-crazed and violent experiment gone wrong where they had to cover up the evidence resulting in their direct participation in the murder of Meredith Kercher.

Want to know my theory? Read below.

Amanda Knox is INNOCENT.

Why? Because the courts can’t prove one damn thing. They have no evidence linking her to the crime. They have no credible eye-witnesses. They have NOTHING.
All they have is speculation and a gut feeling. Italian’s pride themselves on that. They put their reputation before the facts.

I won’t even speculate as to exactly how it went down, that’s not my job. If I had been a juror, I would have found Rudy Guédé guilty of murder. His DNA is all over the place falsifying his story. He fled the country. He’s the only one with evidence against them.

Rudy Guédé is guilty, Amanda Knox is innocent.

Raffaele Sollecito is a tough one. If in fact his evidence was found on that bra strap, it’s suspicious, but not condemning.

Do I think they are completely innocent of the crime? No, I think all three got tangled up in it somehow, the stories don’t match up. According to the own prosecution’s case (which they tried separately) the three of them had hot nasty with Meredith, but only one touched her per wishes of a comic book fantasy before pooping and then fleeing the country while the others used bleach and put her under her mattress? No I think not, that’s too absurd.

Regardless of how involved Amanda became she was not proven guilty.

World Climate Summit

2009-12-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

1,200 Limos, 140 jets, Caviar and Prostitutes. While that does sound like a line out of the trendy musical Rent, it’s actually the benefits given out to those who attend the World Climate Summit in Copenhagen to talk about the issues behind global warming.

Over 2000 delegates, journalists and speakers have shown up to the summit to discuss current trends and future projections about our planet’s health.

I find it rather ironic that people who propose radical changes in lifestyle decisions end up not only doing the same things they are against, but turn it up a notch. I mean come on world leaders, at LEAST carpool your fancy smancy limos.

Besides the fact that they couldn’t fly on commercial airlines (is first class just not good enough these days) and stimulate our dying air travel companies, but then they needed chauffeurs (taxi driver’s have families too) depleting the entire local 200-mile area of its entire fleet of limousines. Only then to be put in $600 dollar rooms filled to the brim with iced caviar wedges and champagne.

The real kicker? As a gift, the local Sex Union- yes prostitution is legal there, I know it’s not fair- has decided to give free intercourse to anyone with a delegate badge.

I guess trying to save the world has its perks.

A lot of people already miffed about the scandal breaking out behind the loss of data by the premiere science group who postulated the dire warnings of climatopalypse (climate + apocalypse) among global leaders and in the film An Inconvenient Truth or now beset under further siege for these devilish dealings of delight being handed their way. In fact, people have actually assembled their own city-funded rally and assembly to promote awareness of the facts that debunk the science. It's like the Hatfields and McCoys hillbilly feud all over again.

Frankly, I see it as just another shred of evidence that no matter what, the system is flawed in the hands of man.

The way I see it, if anything, Al Gore and company went Southern Baptist on the world and got people thinking about the planet and more than just themselves. In this sense I have no problem with the ideas and concepts of living green. Just because we won’t hurt the Earth NOW as opposed to later, doesn’t mean we can’t preserve it for many future generations to come. I see it in the way a doctor would want to treat cancer. Hit it early and hit it hard.

What I don’t like is the gross misuse of persuasion and profiteering these elite fat cats have garnered through fear mongering and selfish gain. I mean if you think about what just a fraction of the money spent in Copenhagen could have done for the rest of the world, we’d be greater than the sum of our people quicker and really shoot for change.

Personally, I’m still going to shop with reusable bags, recycle, find a car that has great MPG to do my part so that my grand kids and their grand kids don’t have to get the ball rolling in their time, but can look back and say thanks to what we started here and now.

It's My Birthday and I'll Blog if I want too!

2009-12-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

As the title says, today is my day of birth. Someone early congratulated me and it kind of made me laugh at the fact that I had little to do with being born. It would be another thing if I came out Aliens style having to fight my way to freedom through my mom’s chest cavity, but in reality she really did all the work.

If anything, mother’s should get high-fives in remembrance of their work.

Maybe it took root in the ass-backwards tradition that was elementary school birthdays. To this day I’ve never understood why on your birthday it was YOUR responsibility to do planning and bring in sweet treats if you wanted to have a good time. I mean by that logic, if someone attending your shindig didn’t say “Happy Birthday,” then they were just a schmuck.

Another funny thing about birthdays is that they are always heralded as milestones. Birthday = “Congratulations, you have survived another year! Well done!” In my opinion if a person is deserving of a day of focus on themselves, it should just be called “Awesome Time.”

Then there’s no mandatory need to acknowledge things you aren’t responsible for, but instead celebrate and appreciate the great things you’ve done in your life and the future things you’ll do.

I will comment about one more thing before I go in regards to birthdays and I’m not sure if it’s a curse or a blessing. With the heavy amount of time people invest in social websites like MySpace and Facebook, people have become acclimated with getting spoon fed important dates. To be honest, I’m not really sure I’m jiggy with the fact that people who never find the time to talk to me just send me a message on the site or a text message. Frankly, it just seems like people are upholding their own image of being genuine and really could care less. Each and every person has my phone number. Calling me goes a long way in this age of digital shorts. In the end, it's appreciated, but it's like asking for ice water and getting warm water with a lemon you never wanted in the first place.

Anyways, off to sushi, then hopefully Ninja cooking (aka Bennyhana(sp?)) and then some evening ice skating with hot chocolate. Later Alligators!

Remember December!

2009-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

I was sorting through some stuff on my phone today and organizing thoughts for blogs and story ideas when I came across an old entry.

Have you ever googled just your first name? I did sometime ago and what I received blew my mind. Check it out below.

How cool is that? Some dude named Matt has hit up over 64 countries in the last two years dancing his heart out. I’ve been jealous in the past, but this is just down right murderous envy right here. Talk about an amazing experience. I mean he must have needed TWO visas just to pull it off. I tip my hat to you Matt and I’m glad you represent us.

I’ve long been a proponent that Americans need to travel outside the country. Ignorance runs rampant in this country as we take everything for granted. Some people still shit in holes in the ground people. Just the other day an unnamed family member of mine got defensive because as an American, she shouldn’t have to speak Italian to order a coffee from Starbucks. Holy shoelaces Batman! Where is this world headed?

I mean honestly, we are the United States of America, the one country forged on the bastard children of different cultures and society’s with the gumption to make themselves better. Where did all this pride and boasting come into play? I mean our greatest achievements and military might come from foreigners themselves. We really just need to get over ourselves.

If you haven’t ever travelled, please do, every single one of us could use the perspective.

On the birthday front, I couldn’t really get anything planned due to a lack of effort and the things I wanted to do falling through. Now it looks like we are getting drunk on high-speed go-karts and then if the weather permits a jumper bouncy thingamabob! WOOT! Now if only I can persuade everyone to color their hair red and be a ginger for the night...

Oh and I remembered something I totally need to buy myself! I really want a Tablet so I can draw stuff for the computer. Keep in mind my artistic limits peak at a 4th grade stick drawing level, but I find my drawings at least inspiring for greater things and want to share them with the world.

In the following weeks, I’m going to share some of my deepest thoughts ranging from pet peeves (we all have them) to my greatest ideas of the year (there’s some doozies) the lists are forming and I’m checking them twice.

Lastly, you need to check out this video, the music and passion is amazing. I wish I had the natural gifts this guy has.

The Future is Now.

2009-12-02T12:13:00.000-08:00

So I got to thinking about all the cool things I wanted this birthday/Christmas and I got nostalgic for a moment remembering times when I was cool with Hot Wheels and Micro Machines. Remember when it was cool to talk to the robot SmarterChild on AIM? How far have we come? I mean granted, we aren’t at the level I’d like to be at yet, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get myself a Flux Capacitor in 4-8 more years.

All this future talk got me thinking about the future. It’s literally right around the corner. 2010 folks is less than a month away. Every movie, every book, every concept always depicts great things going down when we reach the “20s.”

For those of you of you who intend to approach 2010 the classic way by saying “two thousand and ten,” quit lying to yourself. It’s 2010 as in Twenty Ten, as in, land of robots and flying cars. I’m kind of pumped and at the same time worried. I mean you’ve got 2012 to worry about (and the future of John Cusack’s acting career) the inevitable Apocalypse and/or potential rise of the zombies, or robots first helping us and then trying to replace us. You have to take the same approach to the future as you did on family “leftover” nights. You could get the tasty spaghetti or the meatloaf, it was Russian roulette.

One thing that has me completely terrified about the future is RFID chips. These things are slowly replacing everything from tracking devices, access passes and credit cards. The scary thing is that because they broadcast radio signals, people can now readily steal your security. If your credit card has one of these newfangled chips, someone at Starbucks can simply steal the signal with their laptop as you walk past, scan the code and clone it onto another card.

Right now they only work at places where you wave your card, like gas stations and fast food restaurants (places where they don’t check ID in the first place), but people are lazy and love convenience, the notion could catch up before the security protocols are put in place. Talk about Enemy of the State kind of crazy talk. For now the only immediate protection is buying yourself an RFID blocking wallet. Make no mistake though people, this is a real threat that boneheaded scammers are paying money on eBay to pull the wool over your eyes.

Plus there are more and more cars nowadays with OnStar. I’m sorry if I’m a bit paranoid by nature. Here is a company that unlock your car, start your car, POWER down your car, track your car etc. by some remote operator. It reminds me of Minority Report. That’s too much power for anyone person to handle and I can see it one day becoming abused, or worse contracted through other services like repossessions or private security to muck up our freedoms. If I lock myself out of my car, I might as well be humble and learn my lesson while AAA comes to help me.

There is one glimmering hope about the future though. Something infallible that we’ll always be able to count on.

Oh come on, like you didn’t see that one coming.

Check out the video below, catchy band that reminds me of the Postal Service.

Geek Out

2009-12-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

So with Thanksgiving done and buried (honestly, I’m not sure why we even recognize it as a holiday considering how little of an effort is put into it in this day and age), it’s time to turn my attention to the upcoming birthday and Christmas shenanigans. I mean it’s December after all.
People always ask me what I want and I feel bad because I never can tell them anything that’s affordable. I’m a creature of expensive things I guess. Anyways here’s the current list:

Macbook Pro 17”
Amazon Kindle 2 (x)
Apple iPhone 3G
64 cm road bicycle
Halo Risk (x)
Call of Duty 42 (x)
Pygmy from Chuck Palahniuk (x)
Rainbow Sandals (x)
Star Trek the Next Generation Complete DVD set
James Bond Complete DVD set

There you have it. Most of those gifts are each easily over $100. Plus I can burn the DVDs if I just take my time (which I’d rather do then see someone fork over the money.) The funny thing is I realized that I’m a total geek. All of this stuff is just not what the average consumer would want.

I guess I can’t deny my existence anymore. I am what I am.

But seriously guys, just get me whatever you think I’d like. As long as I can see the thought you put behind it, and that you didn’t just buy me a rain poncho last minute out of the checkout stand Christmas Eve, it’s all good. Or you can lie to yourself and combine my birthday gift with my Christmas gift to make it super duper special.
Let the Yule tide begin.

Boondock Saints 2

2009-11-26T14:18:00.000-08:00

I finally got the chance to see Boondock Saints 2 recently in Hollywood. I had already heard so much from friends on whether it was bad or good that it was hard to keep an open mind and blank slate going into it.

There were a lot of things that BS2 had to go up against:

1. BS is easily one of the best cult movies of all time.
2. I was seeing BS2 on a screen not much bigger than one at home.
3. Theaters still do not carry Red Vines and being in a rush to get to the theater, I forgot to grab some.

Bias aside, I promised myself I would be fair. The verdict? It still sucked.

The main thing that the second movie lacked was continuity. In the span between the films, Agent Smecker has died, the boys have hung up their killing crosses and gone into hiding while Boston’s finest just gets more retarded.

Some stuff goes down requiring them to come back to Boston where a fresh crop of wannabe mobsters is in need of a good Irish harvesting.

I don’t want to give away the rest of the movie, but instead just kind of point out some flaws and highlights.

Flaws:

1. Replacing Rocco’s character with a Mexican lookalike was bland. The character shows this amazing ability to kick ass and then becomes comic relief for the rest of the movie.
2. Smecker’s replacement was coy and convenient, but the “sexy” shots and her apparent awareness of the camera were distracting. What the hell was with the cowgirl scene?
3. The ending wasn’t very climaxing and a movie SHOULD NEVER END setting up another film unless it’s a structured trilogy like Back to the Future or Lord of the Rings. Take lessons from Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean that if a movie can’t stand in its own right it will flop on its face.
4. Don’t use your movie to express your social and political beliefs. I know BS Prime got a lot of flack for coming out around Columbine getting itself blacklisted, but when you break the flow of a movie to interject your own personal thoughts on life it really just mucks things up. Save that for your twitter or your blog.
5. If you are going to use slow-motion or take out sound-effects, don’t do it for more than a minute or you lose the viewer’s attention. We like shiny loud things remember?

Highlights:

1. The acting talent of some of the lesser actors has improved greatly. It was a lot of fun seeing them flourish in their own right.
2. Getting the Duke’s background story was a fun treat. It helped tie in the original film rather well.
3. The film was just as funny as the predecessor.
4. As usual, great soundtrack. The music still captures the film’s tone great.
5. Accent’s are sexy.

As you can see, I struggled to give the same amount of positive as negative. It’s just that, for a sequel, you need to take the strengths of your first movie and shift it into the next gear. BS 2 didn’t do that. Instead, it took all the strengths of the first movie, and copied them resulting in a cheaper lackluster step-child of a movie that really just gives you a deeper nostalgia for the first film.

Who knows, maybe the third one will have the same effect for the second one. Until then, BS 2 was exactly that, BS.

Forces out of my control.

2009-11-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

There’s nothing better than getting woken up by a slap to the foot by your dad at 6 am telling you to stop being a digital pirate. ARRRRGH! But it’s what I am!
So I’m sorry Interwebs, but if you are going to keep trying to get me in trouble with people for taking things from you, I’m just going to stop sharing all together.

Really I think it’s stupid because the thing that “nailed” me was How I Met Your Mother. I wanted to watch the episode on my TV and not stream it for free of the computer so I downloaded the data file instead. It makes me laugh that CBS is going to bully my internet provider into slapping me on the wrist when people watch it for free whenever they want off the CBS website, their DVRs or the burned copies they make of the episode. Seems a bit hypocritical to me.

Whatevs, all it forces me to do is turn off the “upload” switch to my sharing network. For those of you who aren’t in the know, the dated copyright laws of 1977 state that you can’t reproduce or distribute something that has been copyrighted. That doesn’t mean you can’t take for yourself.

All those ads and campaigns about how downloading movies and songs is illegal? Well it’s not. The Internet is public domain and free access. If you stumble across something, it’s yours to keep. The catch is if you give it back out to someone else. Then you’re in trouble.

Remember all those kids being busted for having thousands of songs from Napster? They weren’t in trouble for possessing or downloading them, they were in trouble because they got caught giving (or uploading) them back to the community.
The best way to protect yourself from uploading is turning it off completely so you can’t get caught. When you do this you can’t share the files you yourself wanted and it kind of debunks the whole point of a network. Some services don’t even let you take unless you give.

As a back up, I use Peer Guardian. It daily checks for spy IPs (that’s the digital address for a computer) from big bad mean companies who want to bust your balls and bans them from handshaking with your computer to discover what you’re up to. If you do intend to download, Peer Guardian is a must.

You’d be surprised what other websites PG will block because the website solicits your address and gives it to these same companies as a way of telling marketers where you’ve been and where you’re going.

In reality if my internet provider doesn’t want to grow a backbone and be grateful for the money I dump into using their spotty at best service, I’ll go somewhere else. Do you hear that Time Warner? Well do ya?

In the meantime, I’m going to go get me an eye patch and a parrot to put on my shoulder.

Sex Tapes and Somali Pirates

2009-11-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

I know what you’re thinking, what do those two things have in common? The sad fact is that it seems both happen more frequently then they should and yet society just turns a cheek and play dumb to them happening.

Sex Tapes:

Everyone and their mother has a sex tape these days. In fact, it happens so frequently nowadays it’s almost as if it’s a birthday party with celebrities chosen at random to take a whack at the Sex Tape piñata.

When did sex tapes go from scandal to notoriety? While writing this and watching Bruno, a joke was even made about the only way to get famous in this day and age was to put a tape of your naughty bits out for the world to see. It’s running rampant right now with Ms. Universe buddies and now Carmen Electra. I mean she’s a respectable woman, those Scary Movie films are a chance for her to show her love of film, not debauchery right?

I guess to me personally, it just seems like a stupid idea for a girl or a guy who might already be famous to ever let someone capture them in their… prime? I mean come on. To me it’s like a fat kid with diabetes asking for the cinnamon funnel cake special from ihop and not expecting any kind of consequence.

Somali Pirates:

While this is a much more serious tone, I’m really confused here on how it is that pirates even still exist. Especially if they all keep coming from the same place.
There have been 109 reported attacks in 2009 alone with 70% of them being off the coast of Somalia. You’d think by now that since most of the are is a vital shipping lane for the world commerce, that the WORLD would just say, “Enough Somalia, we’re tired of your shenanigans.” If we can embargo Cuba, why not Somalia.

It just seems retarded that with technology nowadays that can spy on your location from orbit and devices that can track a signal all over the planet that we can’t develop a monitoring system or fast response action plan to keep these Johnny Depp wannabes from hurting people and impeding commerce. What's even better is that Navy Officials try to talk down ships and their crews from heavily arming themselves as a deterrent due to possible threat to other nations when they make it to port. If they make it.

Maybe, big corporations like to pay $35 million ransoms to look good for the “humanized” side of their business.

The sad thing is, these pirates wouldn’t even have to risk their lives and kidnap people to make money if they just put out a sex tape...

I’m just saying.

50/50

2009-11-12T17:06:00.001-08:00

So I’m sitting here, and I’m kind of torn about how I should be feeling. On one part, I’m really, REALLY angry with my job. It should show by the way I had to repeat that word right?

You see, my company is dying and its parents are those kinds of people that are too stupid to just pull the plug hoping that someone they care for will come out of brain-dead coma that they’ve been in for the last two years. So what do they do instead? They keep dumping loads of money frivolously hoping for a second chance.

I have news for you Hollywood Video: It isn’t going to happen. Why? Because you were too busy thinking of the next color scheme for your big sale promotion that you missed the technology bandwagon and now can only hope to play a fruitless catch up game.

Both Hollywood and Blockbuster have done this song and dance, time and time again.
Online service, kiosks, it’s already been done. If you actually wanted to save your company think of something innovative, not imitative.

To be frank, I doubt there is little that can be done to save rental stores, and it’s really the consumer’s fault. Everyone has been so intent on saving money with their spending that driving all this business towards websites like eBay and Amazon have crushed local sellers.

What will end up sucking for everyone is that I foresee a time in the not so distant future where Redbox will be in legal trouble and Netflix will eventually raise prices and/or start charging money for all the free streaming. When this happens people will be in an uproar only to turn back to their local video store only to find them a vacant building instead.

Plus let’s not forget all the people who aren’t technically savy who will be completely cut off. It’s a messy business, these Interwebs.

All I can ask is why don’t rental chains just charge lower price on their products to be more completive? Clearly the overhead isn’t helping them any right now by current standards. Attract more business and get over your pride.

Because right now, you have a staff of employees who have busted their humps like you’ve asked and now you’ve cut our hours, made us work by ourselves with no potty breaks and we’re becoming very very disgruntled.

All in all, I really need to find a new and more importantly REAL job.

In other news, I’m pumped for another FIVE-A-THON. Recently, we began going down to our local theater to watch not one, not two, not even three but four films. Our first set was, Law Abiding Citizen, The Invention of Lying, Surrogates, and Black Dynamite. All of them were great, especially Black Dynamite. It’s an instant cult hit.

This week, we’ve got The Men Who Stare at Goats, Where the Wild Things Are, The Box, Pirate Radio, and Fourth Kind. I’m pretty stoked. It's going to be a record. This time I won't be secret-agent paranoid because I've finally come to terms that the people getting paid minimum-wage there could care less.

Speaking of Stoked, can we talk about Katy Perry? She was caught rocking some outlandish outfits at the European Music Awards and while I’m still thankful to Russel Brand for shaking her out of her dark chocolate desires, I’m still a bit peeved that I didn’t receive a call to go hang out some time.

If she ever falls for Seth Rogen, I’ll slit my wrists.

Now that the Monopoly game is over (all I won was more food, yay!) I’ve started a blood pact of late to not eat fast food. Not for dietary reasons, but to give mom and pop shops a fighting chance to stay in business. Sure they can’t make a taco, burger, or sandwich faster than their rivals, but damn it if I won’t do my part to keep some businesses around. Besides, who actually even knows what they put in one of those Big Macs. Besides, the only time it’s appropriate to eat McDonalds is when the Monopoly game is going on or the McRib is back. Take your pick.

On the game front, Call of Duty 42 came out, but I’m still sinking my teeth into Borderlands. Plus there is Dragon Age and so many others to test drive….

…which brings me to my sadder bit of news. I’ve taken a bet with my friend that I can write a novel length book, (at least 80,000 words) by the end of the year. To do this means I have to cut somewhere and that will probably mean my video games and social internet time get the axe.

It’ll be great because I’m one of those creatures of habit that rarely finish a story I start, leaving me with numerous amounts of stories that have never ended just sitting in my files marked as “Work in Progress” and collecting e-dust. It’ll feel good to finish one, regardless of the turnout.

Since I’m an addict for things I like, I’ll probably have to box it up and stick to my internet for business time. No, not THAT business.

So like I said, it’s a bad, good, bad, good time.

As usual, go check out http://www.whatalameexcuse.com . Or else.

Lazy is as lazy does

2009-11-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

On a particularly funny note, after writing my lottery blog, not only did I hit my first homerun over the fence in my big boy softball league, I also won my last McDonalds piece in the Monopoly game. (FRUIT PARFAIT BABY!)

However, my luck ended right then and there, as later that night I did go and get a lottery piece. I bought a Seal scratcher and while singing Kissed by a Rose, I got diddly squat.

It was good while it lasted.

So is it just me, or when companies say they are going “green” do you see it as them just cutting costs and not actually caring about the environment?

Recently my company informed us that they were going “green” by switching us all to paperless paychecks aka Direct Deposit. I don’t really have any problem with this minus the issue of not having a stub easily viewable. However, it seems like too many companies hide behind this projection that they are doing their part saving their environment.

Hotel companies ask you to not have your linen changed, don’t open unnecessary bottles or commodities. And yet they’ll leave daily brochures and advertisements as well as parking tickets, and other what nots.

Retail companies reduce waste by 33% of their products and yet they do not offer recycle bins in their establishments to eliminate unnecessary waste all together.

It’s these kind of short sightings that anger me when companies are trying to put up the visage of actually caring for the planet. It’s all a lie. They aren’t planeteers, they don’t care. They’re just lazy schmucks trying pinch the pennies to maximize their profits.

The funny thing? I wouldn’t care if they maintained the same practices, but just told us whey they were doing it. Quotes like, “We’re cheapskates and want to hold onto those extra few pennies so we can dive into a pool of coins Ducktales style!”

I might even throw in a tip for something like that.

To round out the week, I eventually ended up getting out of Jury Duty. I just had to wait to be interviewed, letting the court here about how I believed I had been mistreated by the justice system. The judge even admitted that in all his years, he had never heard of such actions being leveraged against anyone.

The case would have been boring to sit in on. Some Black Belt beat the snot out of a guy that was sleeping with his girlfriend. Whoopty doo. At least I got paid $15 and some odd cents to spend two hours there this time around.

It just bugged me because not only did it interrupt my whole week, but in my honest opinion, it seems to undermine a lot about America. You know who just be sitting on these juries right now? Anyone and everyone that is collecting an unemployment check. I mean come on! We are already paying them to sit on their asses, instead of paying people measly compensation for interrupting their jobs, why not drag these lazy ass people in and put them to work. It’s what they’re looking for anyways right?

For a long time I’ve felt that we coddle the unemployed too much. Sure, I’ve never been on it myself, but it still makes me angry that people think they are entitled to it without giving anything back. Require unemployment to equal one weekend of the month doing charity work, or beautification. LET’S AT LEAST BETTER SOCIETY.

On a parting note, Borderlands is AMAZING and in a lot of ways, is one of the best games of the year. Combine Diablo and Counter-Strike and then throw it in a Mad Max environment. I think you get where I’m coming from here.

Hulk Angry

2009-11-05T17:38:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say I was in a good mood, but the best I can settle for is sobering.

Last night a good friend of mine was involved in a motorcycle accident. He was drunk and he rode home. He lost two of his toes because of it as well as countless other damages to his body. Still, he’s lucky to be alive.

The infuriating thing about all of it is that it should have been completely prevented. I was with him not an hour before the accident. I recognized he was too drunk. I asked his closer friends to take him home. When they laughed it off and left without him, I stayed, taking his keys and his cell phone trying to call someone in his family who could come pick him up. After an hour, I finally reached his sister who came and grabbed him.

That should have been the end of the story. He should have gone home, woken up late for work the next morning with a hangover and laughed about it later in the day.

But, no. He waited until I left, jumped out of his sister’s moving car and ran back for his bike. The rest of the story you know. Now he’s in the ICU.

People ask me if I’m OK. I am not OK, I am mad. I am disappointed. I am dumbfounded that after taking all the right precautions something like this happened. Truth be told, I just don’t know what to say….

Stay tuned for a more witty and insightful blog later. I’m spent for now.

I Should Have Bet on the Lottery.

2009-11-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

Did you ever get one of those days where everything you didn’t want to happen, happened? I call it the reverse-lottery effect.

Technically it didn’t really start today, but rather a few weeks ago when I received a summons in the mail for: JURY DUTY.

At the mere mention or sight of those words, an almost involuntary need for profanity rises from the depths of my vocal box.

To make matters worse, I noticed that the location I was to report to wasn’t the courthouse two miles away, but one that would require me to commute to and sit through agonizing traffic.
The only courthouse I’m ever willing to commute to is the fake one that was used in Back to the Future on the Universal Studios back lot.

So I woke up nice and early, and plodded head first into a standstill nightmare that took me 45 minutes to commute no more that 10 miles. When I got there (on time at this point) I parked and looked in horror at a line that was so long it made those lines for the most super cool amusement rides look like a grocery checkout waiting time. I mean this line was so long, you’d think they were giving away free turkeys and laptops inside.

I didn’t get into the actual courthouse until about 45 minutes later.

At this point I was corralled with at least 100 other jurors into a huge room in the basement. The reason for it being there I assume at this point is to make sure your cell phone does not work as to cut you off from contact with the outside world. From there, a woman rehearsed a speech that would give any airline stewardess bounding joy at informing you about the emergency exists and inflatable life vests.

Seriously, this woman was so disgruntled she made DMV employees look gleeful by comparison. She didn’t allow questions and she didn’t have patience for people who didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

She did take one delight I noticed. She enjoyed informing us that there had been some amendments in what justified getting out of jury duty. Financial hardship, child dependency and medical illness no longer qualified to be excused. Pretty much all of the easiest ways to justify getting out of service no longer counted and no one wanted to hear it. Those excuses that still applied now no longer got you out, but just postponed it. She was actually smiling as she said it. Misery loves company I guess.

Discovering my inability to get out of Jury Duty (not that I had even been able to say anything to anyone yet) my only chance lied in avoiding jury selection or not qualifying depending on the sensitivity of the case.

Now remember, I mentioned there were 100 of us. There were only two court cases for the day which translated that we would be split into two groups where among 50 of us, only 12 would be selected giving me pretty much the best odds I could get to NOT get picked. Plus I wouldn’t get bumped around to different courtrooms where they would be looking to fill slots.

Roughly, I had less than a 24% chance to get picked.

I WAS THE SECOND ONE PICKED.

However, since the process took too long to get settled. The courtroom broke session for lunch instructing me to return tomorrow to see if I even qualify.

Life has some twisted humor sometimes.

Here were some notes I jotted down during my “stay” today:

Long lines!

Angry Disgruntled People EVERYWHERE

POPPYSEED MUFFINS = DELICIOUS!

Lawyers status = apparent success.

Human calculator in cafeteria confirms stereotype that Asians rock with numbers! GO SUDOKU!

Which is more sterile? Hospital or Courthouse?

If woman who just dropped an F-Bomb on her little toddler son is in my courtroom I’m going guilty no matter what.

On one side note, the angry Jury Supervisor lady did mention she’s heard a bajillion lame excuses and I intend to tap that resource.

I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!

An update of sorts.

2009-10-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

So in an effort to prove people wrong that I CAN blog more than once a week (if that) I’m trying to kindle a fire of writing explosiveness.

Speaking of kindle, the Kindle 2. I’m torn. For a year now I’ve suffered and toiled over the thought of buying one. I mean who wouldn’t? They’re awesome, they make buying books cheaper, they last for weeks and you can even blog on them. So why not? I guess it’s because I just love books. I love the feel, I love the smell and I love showing off my vast collection and even loaning books as a clear measurement of my intelligence.

Much like the reasons for putting off buying an iPod, I just can’t fathom spending so much money on something I know will go on sale next week, or have a new model replace it in a few weeks. Am I going crazy here or what? In a perfect world, I would just have both, but then I’m just wasting money. I’m to the point of flipping a coin.

It was pointed out to me the other day that the local college is going to be having a “drive-thru vaccination” day. That’s right. People can wait in line, stick their arms out the window and be inoculated. Something just seems terribly wrong out this both physically and morally. The people behind the event state that it limits contamination and spread of any potential flu outbreaks, but all I see it as is people too lazy and demanding medical treatment as a convenience.

It just goes to show you that if you can put a drive-thru on it, you’re innovating and going to make money. Below the picture kind of puts things into perspective for me.

Yesterday while working on WALE stuff at the local Bucks this came flying at me:

It just goes to show you that it’s all about the people you know. Speaking of WALE, site is going great AND I got a bunch of flyers made for dirt cheap. Time to spread the word.

Other than that, it’s business as usual. I hear the game Borderlands is fantastic so now everyone has a reason to go spend their hard earned money. Also, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game has become a graphic novel! How awesome right? I’m going to pick it up along with Battle Pope Vol. 1. Can’t go wrong with a beefcake holy man teaming up with a nun-chuck wielding Jesus.

And just so you know, if a man comes up offering you a $100 a day to be an extra in Sons of Anarchy save yourself the irritation and headache and just say no as you walk away.

I'm off to go watch some Fifth Element. Until next time….

Grrrrr is not always Great!

2009-10-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of stuff has been going on so everyone buckle in. Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.

So to get the bad stuff out of the way, I received a collections notice from Providence Holy Cross in the sum of $1,700 dollars from back in March when my mom had forced me to go in to get x-rays after my St. Patrick’s Day “mishap.”

I guess I need to pay better attention to what it is exactly I pay for within the realm of medical insurance, because this is just plain bullshit. Now, as to not affect my credit, I have to pay them $100 a month for the next YEAR. Grrrr.

In other bad news, my neighboring Hollywood Video just got the axe. They’re closing as of today. I talked to my fellow store manager and he was just as shocked as we were. The way our parent company is handling lease operations is by “strong-arming” them. They refuse to pay their rent in an attempt to renegotiate the lease at a lower rental rate. Sometimes this works, but when it doesn’t you get 24 hours and then that’s that. Store closed and a lot of confusion.

It scares me because, that stores financial operations is close to my own stores. Performance-wise, operation-wise and everything else about my store makes it exceptional except that we’re not making as much money as we should be. Our store (to my knowledge) is still the West Coast’s regional flagship store – the store executives come by and see so they know what a Hollywood Video SHOULD look like- but I don’t know if that’s going to be enough to save us. Plus it doesn’t help when there is a red box on each corner adjacent of my store. Damn you.

Transformers 2 recently released and people keep talking about it as if it’s God’s gift to cinema. These people must be the same people that think the only way to commune with God is to get bitten by a snake.

That movie was a the biggest steaming pile of racism I have ever seen rapped inside pictures of ass shots and sex-humor and than blown up with a nuclear explosion.

I don’t intend to get into the particulars because I don’t want to my brain to hurt more than it already is today, but if you liked it, just keep that little morsel of information to yourself and we’ll get by just fine.

I checked out Super Hero Hype and was gratified by a survey polled on Transformers 2.

How are you buying or have bought "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"?
I'm not buying it. 51.2%
The Two-Disc Special Edition Blu-ray Disc 19.8%
The Two-Disc Special Edition DVD 15.3%
Single Disc Edition DVD 7.4%
The Two-Movie Mega Collection (Blu-ray Disc) 4.5%
The Two-Movie Mega Collection (DVD) 1.8%

Total votes:6967

That’s cold hard science right there people, math never lies. At least some people are still sane.
On to the good news.

Insanity recently went down, and once again the camping trip was a huge blast. People made out with other people, Keg stands happened regularly and someone even blew fire. The only catch? I think we all shortened our lifespan by a year or two considering how much meat we digested. I think we each ate over a pound of bacon, brats, hot dogs and burgers. Sheesh.

Last Saturday was the first annual Zombie Main Street March here in town. I’d like to say it was a huge success in that to participate you had to bring at least one canned food item. 634 people registered for the march resulting in over half a ton of food being delivered to help feed the homeless this winter and holiday season. Go brains!

To make things better, I randomly got a phone call from a counselor at College of the Canyons that I now qualify to graduate with my AA in business studies. Above is a picture of Justin and I (the overachievers that we are) being the only students on campus.

Now, I already have my BA, but I took a class over the early fall quarter to help a friend stay motivated. Apparently it qualified within the last section to complete to graduate and I’ll now be receiving my AA AFTER my BA. It made me chuckle and kind of swell with pride that I actually have something to show for completing that chapter of my life. Now if only I could get a job to show off my sweet skills.

Speaking of COC though, I found this from the Superintendent of the college:

Blades of Glory wants their quote back

Lastly, and this might be a bit dated, but can we talk about how good The Lonely Island’s Incredibad is? I mean pure genius. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard while rocking out since Adam Sandler’s compilations from at least 1995. Good times I tell you.
Lastly and always, check out What A Lame Excuse. ( http://www.whatalameexcuse.com ) It’s growing steadily and maybe…. just maybe it might be as big as sliced bread.

Thanksweenie is almost upon us! Turducken here we come!

Stay tune for more updates, pictures, and recent trips soon!

Work it. Make it. Do it.

2009-09-17T14:24:00.001-07:00

Wow. What a week. I honestly don’t know where to start. Oh wait, yes I do. Kayne West is a douchebag. ** THIS JUST IN KAYNE ASKED ME TO ADD THIS TO MY WEBSITE. Click Arc-Royal to see what he has to say.**

Seriously, I’ve been at odds with Kanye for a long time running now and until Chris Brown decided he wanted to get gangster on Rhianna’s face, he held the top slot. Chris Brown of course lost the slot to Rhianna when she decided to drop the charges undermining women’s rights, the law and decency.

But like so many other dependable things, you can’t keep a bad dog down no matter how many times you roll up a newspaper and hit him for being a naughty puppy. Hopefully he and his agent are "stronger" than the impending fallout. I’m sure I don’t need to post a link, but I do want to say that I am going to boycott anything in affiliation with Kanye West* for his douchebaggery. I’m almost 99% sure his immature actions are what caused Patrick Swayze to throw in the towel. R.I.P. Swayze, Red Dawn was the tits and almost all your other movies were the bee’s knees. We know you didn’t want to do Black Dog either.

Cheers to Jay Leno for putting him in his place. Apparently Kanye is now on suicide watch, let's hope he goes through with it.

In other MTV news, I just wanted to point out that has Katy Perry ever looked hotter? No, she hasn’t. It looks like for once, she recognized what mama gave her and came to impress. WHY MUST SHE HAVE JUNGLE FEVER!?

Ok, now that you’re done drooling over Ms. Hot n’ Cold, let’s get on to business.

In other news, I’ve been working hard on a lot of other projects from work to personal. A lot of effort is being pumped into What A Lame Excuse or www.whatalameexcuse.com for those of you who are particular about clicking links. It's a user-driven comedy content site and as long as we can get the word out, it has a lot of potential.

Right now, the site can’t rapidly expand until I have a network, a complete-interactive website, a logo and some awesome stickers and viral street teams to spread the word like the herps. I'm offering a $100 dollar challenge to the person who comes up with the best logo. Here's an example submitted by the talented Laura. Really the site's all about the baby steps right now. :)

Other than that, I’ve been working like crazy to get my two major events of the year, Insanity! and Thanksweenie in order. Insanity! is always an amazing adventure full of stories and Thanksweenie this year has a big surprise coming. Ok, not really a surprise, but it’s Kristal! Woot Woot!

Catch you all laters! I've got lots more to talk about soon! (HALO ODST IS OUT SO SOON!)

*Daft Punk is the one exception because they freaking rock and probably didn’t understand how big of a douche Kanye was being from France. If you haven’t seen this video do so now!

World War II is Serious Business

2009-09-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

So this post is a little dated because I’ve been so caught up with What A Lame Excuse (WALE) aka www.whatalameexcuse.com. Yes I probably will promote the site like crazy for the months to come but I really want it to be a big success. Go there and submit stories and tell your friends!

I had a really rough day and I’d like to blame it all on World War Dos. I’ve been trying to beat Call of Duty: World at War on the hardest difficulty setting for a few days now and it’s about to drive me bat-shit crazy. Why? It’s flipping stupidly impossible. It’s one thing to have a game’s difficulty setting so high that you have to creep your way through to make progress, but you shouldn’t have to crawl at a snail pace to do it.

What makes it so hard? Well for one, every Axis bullet is magnetically attracted to my head. Nothing irks me more than seeing characters who are clearly scripted to do certain things in the game survive machine gun fire, grenades and tank rounds. They just get knocked on their butt, dust themselves off and on they go firing like an Imperial Stormtrooper. Me on the other hand? I get shot at before I come out of cover and if I stay in cover too long, three grenades get dropped in my hiding spot. I swear, the way COD:WAW plays I think they produced more grenades than bullets. And then there is the fact that the automatic save system requires you to clear out usually at least three or four areas before a checkpoint which makes the whole repetition thing pretty tedious. Needless to say the game is horribly flawed for the user.

It got so bad I was screaming at computer controlled Nazis to shoot at my allies who were Jews and leave me the hell alone.

Realizing I was way in the red, I tried to calm down by playing Battlefield: 1943. I usually kick ass at multiplayer shooters, but for the love of me I couldn’t do anything right in that game either. I was on the verge of throwing my controller through the TV. If they hadn’t been wireless I would have hung myself on the cord I was that furious.

Then it just clicked. I was getting ticked off at something I had chosen to do for fun. It was a scary epiphany that something I always imagined I had under control was now controlling me. I don’t know who I was in those few hours, but I know that I didn’t like it. I hate the idea of wasting my time when I started it to have fun in the first place. In hindsight, if I ever try it again, I now know that World War II is serious business and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

On the work front, we had a special late fee erasing amnesty campaign that consisted of us calling as many people that we could with over $10 in late fees. Why the company wants to bring in it’s worst offenders seems like bad business to me. In all honesty it is. Since that store opened in 03, over 900 members have collected late fees grossing $35,000.00. I’m probably not supposed to share the particulars, but it’s this kind of forgive and forget ideology that only drives the knife deeper. If you figure that lump sum doesn’t even include lost product or people who just have the dollar or two late fee, I imagine it’s a lot higher.

Irresponsibility drives me bananas. All we’re doing is setting ourselves up to repeat our past.

On a lighter note, we received Wolverine. My co-worker and I couldn’t help but notice that the collector’s edition was a little 3D and bumpy and has the craziest raised eyebrows of all space and time. They were so pointy that had it been a topographical map their elevation would have been at least 250,000 feet. Mt. Everest wouldn’t have had nothing on them. The picture doesn’t give it justice, but Hugh Jackman means just as much business as World War II.

The other funny thing was the regular edition’s cover. If you noticed, it’s got Deadpool and Gambit flanking Wolverine. The funny (sad) thing is that poor Liev Schreiber who is in the ENTIRE movie gets dropped to the back portion of the cover so that they can pump the other hyped characters. Apparently Sabertooth has gotten too much spot light in the past.

What sucks is that Gambit and Deadpool are my favorite Marvel characters. I still buy Deadpool comics regularly and it angers me to no end how FOX butchered more Marvel (now Disney) property. Gambit talks like a Cajun for maybe two minutes, then pretends to be spider-man and that ‘s it.

Do the people that write and direct these films even read the comics?

Ryan Reynolds still is the perfect Deadpool, but he got zero screen time and the whole Weapon XI plus that secret ending that no one got to see just killed it for me. Explain how swords can exist when you have to bend at the elbows and maybe I’ll reconsider. Oh and btw Wolverine, Mortal Kombat called and they are suing you for copying Baraka. We’ll see how the spinoff Deadpool turns out, but I’m not holding my breath.

Hopefully Disney won't let this go down in the future.

What A Lame Excuse

2009-09-08T00:48:00.000-07:00

My new brainchild is over at
What A Lame Excuse

My daddy always told me you don't have to necessarily come up with an original idea if you can improve upon an existing one.

Actually, truth be told, my daddy never told me crap.

But seriously. Go check it out. It's like FML, without the Fing or the Ling.

http://www.whatalameexcuse.com

The Most Interesting Man in the World.

2009-09-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the most interesting man in the world.

And guess what? He may not always eat fast-food, but when he does, he eats Jack in the Box.

This gentle paper-mache headed man has been gracing my town for a while and he's quite the talk of the town on the viral social underground. People pull over and say hello to take pictures. Others think he's come into rob the place only to find out he wants an iced coffee just like the rest of us.

His real name is David and by coincidence I know his full name, but it's not my place to kiss and tell. He's a fascinating individual. Maybe not the best social-minded character, but he can definitely tell you a story or two. Ask him about the hearse he just bought and is driving down from Portland, Oregon. I can't wait to see that. I told him to have Ronald McDonald's leg hanging pinned out of the back door.

The funny thing is that regardless of his quirks and habits, I've never met someone as focused as he is on his goals. It puts my own lethargic pursuits and habits to shame. It's like he deserves some huge freaking medal and award for not only demonstrating his prowess in 1st grade level arts and crafts, but career ambition as well. Think about that next time you see him. Just because he's got a huge mask on his head doesn't make him completely crazy. Only partially.

In other news, my iPod donation event was a success. I am now the brevet owner of a 4-gig nano named Tex. I was happy taking whatever I could get, and when I synced it with my iTunes something amazing happened. Since I couldn't fit over 82 gigs of music on board, the Genius feature turned on and spent the next FOUR hours crafting the ultimate 736 song play list to fill it to capacity. There isn't a SINGLE song I haven't completely loved.

The best part? I'm hearing some of the songs for the first time. I'm slowly and surely becoming an apple fan. And I'm not just talking about the fruit here.

On the music front, I found something from the past that I'd like to share because I'm rather proud of it. It's a mix CD I made a while ago that narrate the story of dating. It usually gets me over the awkward hump of time between girlfriends. I entitled the mix Reality of Relations. It's important to listen to it in sequence if you want the story it tells. For those of you that make it I hope you enjoy it.

Reality of Relations
1. make it wit chu - queens of the stone age
2. baby girl, i'm a blur - say anything
3. the district sleeps alone tonight - the postal service
4. breathe me - sia
5. the walk - imogen heap
6. suture up your future - queens of the stone age
7. momma sed - puscifer
8. only you - portishead
9. change - deftones
10. just like you imagined - nine inch nails
11. roads - portishead
12. silence - blindside
13. burn first - alexisonfire
14. loser - beck
15. prayer for the refugee (acoustic) - rise against

It can be mailed to you for 1.99 for some S+H. I won't even charge tax, I just need your address. Supplies limited.

The song selection isn't exactly my usual taste. Luckily for me this was made before I discovered either Anthony Dallas Green, two legendary singers in their own way. Seriously, if you don't have their stuff buy it now! Either way it's easy listening.

Finally, a post wouldn't be complete without a work story, I discovered something that I'm quite pleased with. Every morning my boss leaves company voice mails as down-the-ladders communiques. The other day while fidgeting with buttons, I found out I can slow down or speed up the voice mails delivery. There hasn't been one time I don't laugh hysterically listening to my stiff and rigid boss either sound like a stoned, drunk surfer or a lollipop gang member on crystal meth. Good times I tell you. I'm going to try and record one for listening pleasure soon.

That about wraps it up, but as a question, what is the best cover song you've ever heard (not live, but that's been recorded)?

Until next time.....

Represent.

Internet killed the Video Clerk

2009-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

I would ask you to study the above picture for a moment. Yes, that is a real check, its staggering sum of $2.97 paid in full courtesy of Bank of America. No, that is not my paycheck, but rather my bonus.

What it really boils down to is pathetic.

I’m not complaining about the check, I just laugh at the irony that this bonus check was printed, cut and FedEx expressed to me costing considerably more than what it was worth.

Plus, it's not like any rental company with the exception of NetFlix is making a profit right now. I was always under the impression a company had to do positively to receive anything extra skimmed off the top. Maybe, on a much smaller scale this is exactly what happened with our economy. A notion that regardless, you deserve something and if you still can't afford it, you slap down a credit card.

Maybe this is just a picture perfect example of why I believe Hollywood Video is spiraling the drain. I don’t have to have insider’s knowledge to recognize the trends and patterns. It’s as plain as day.

The company is scrambling to upsell and retain cash, enforcing more and more quotas and percentages daily from people paid minimum wage that have never experienced such demands before. They withhold basic supply purchasing and strap our labor usage tightly around the belt.

When you can’t afford light bulbs to relight your store; that’s a pretty good warning side.

It’s a shame too see because I believe in the video store concept. Hollywood Video squandered this responsibility like asking a toddler to only go and eat one cookie out of the jar. But I believe in having an easily and readily accessible place to get anything to fulfill your cinephile needs. Be it the next big new release or venerable classic, people’s taste have varying and eclectic ranges. It’s too bad the concept has to suffer and the bequest of the corporate wig-wams who ran it into the ground.

Instead, people are slowly growing accustomed to waiting out the storm, waiting days for a movie to arrive or even further limiting to themselves to what’s available via download or what RedBox supplies.

Personally, I can’t tell you what I’ll be in the mood for an hour from now let alone the three days I’d have to wait for something to come.

I guess I just can’t figure when going to your local video store became so damn inconvenient. Was it when people got to fat and lazy to get off their couches or was it like everything else viral and digital that has helped cripple our normal business infrastructure?

So as my job slowing sinks with me as its captain at the helm, I’m starting to realize that despite appearances, it was a pretty good run.

Any suggestions on what I should spend my bonus on to make it memorable?

Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining

2009-08-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

Trouble seems to follow me in spades. Whoever stole my iPod, apparently also slashed some important tubing in my vehicle, because my car’s motor sputtered and died on me only a few days after. (I can’t actually prove this, but he/she’s already a bastard which makes them my #1 scapegoat.)

So after a paltry two years, the free car my bio-dad got me is dead. I’m not really complaining, it just came at an inconvenient time. I got scared that I might have to huff it or loser cruiser it up for a while. Or so I thought. Turns out the parentals decided to buy a new car and when found out their old one was worth squat thanks to the “Cash for Clunkers” program destroying trade-in value, they loaned the grand cherokee to me until I get a new (used) car. It's nice to be in a bigger vehicle again though. I was sick of getting intimidated by big burly brosefs in their lifted trucks and their hardcore stickers.I mean how is a champagne saturn supposed to compete with that? Anyone have any suggestions on what to get?

I will mention a funny shout out about dealerships, it’s disgustingly scary when you discover them ripping you off. When my mom went in to buy a vehicle she had already extensively researched it. The salesman tried to mark it up by 6,500 dollars! My mom was so furious, she demanded to start over with a new sales person. I’m not sure what the mark up really was, but I can tell you that first guy was out a sale. I guess the lesson learned here is that as a buyer the power really is in your hands. I hope everyone remembers that when it’s their turn.

I will tell you this though, in the brief 24-hour hiatus I was vehicle-less, I noticed some rather infuriating things. What is with people parking in two spaces? I’m not talking about those douche bags who intentionally park in two spots to protect their pretty BMW. Honestly, to me that ideology seems like reverse psychology. I always imagine someone brave enough to drag their keys, belt buckle, hell finger nails across a shiny coat of primer as retaliation for being inconvenienced so said douche bag’s car wouldn’t get dented their while they ran in to get their mocha choca latte.

No those people play with fire and leave their fate in other people’s hands.
I’m talking about the people who pull into a spot where they just didn’t quite make it. I mean what the hell? When you get out of your car, there are two painfully obvious white stripes to let you know just exactly how intelligent you are. Yet these people still pull in and park, get out and carry on with their business as usual. It begs the question that did people not realize if a baby stroller between them and the adjacent car that maybe they might have screwed up?

I mean it doesn’t take rocket science to place a rectangle inside a larger rectangle does it?

Personally, I’d like to see police officers be enabled to ticket people on account of “dumbassery” or an inconvenience fee (think Ticketmaster). If someone get’s caught screwing other people over they too should get screwed. Rather than raise taxes and continue to plague good-minded people, let’s punish the idiots like they did back in the good old dark ages.

I’m off to go check out auto loans….

GO SEE DISTRICT 9 IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY!

Disastrous and Proposterous

2009-08-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, today's broadcast is one of terrible news.

Sebastian was kidnapped today in the early morning hours of this hot august day between the hours of 10am-2pm. He was eight months old.

Sebastian was always so proud being the largest of his bunch showing it off whenever he could.

Others always wished they could be as big.

And yet for as eclectic and eccentric as he was he always knew I wanted. As if he could read my mind. Sometimes he knew what I wanted even when I didn't.

I think about how at first I almost didn't choose Sebastian, inticed by others. But when I saw his cool gray color the way he lit up in my hands when I first held him, we both knew we were destined for each other.

He was my first in a lot of ways and he showed me a whole other side of myself I never knew about.

Now I fill with insermountable rage at the thought of someone else's hands on you. It's like I've lost a best friend.

I know if he was here right now, he'd tell me in his own way to move on and be happy. To not worry about a thing because everything would be alright.

So I'll move on, but I'll never forget. If I ever catch the motherfucker who took you, I'll avenge you I swear.

I'll miss you man.

Any information leading to Sebastians kidnappers will be rewarded with delicious ice cream treats

Sebastian, was a loyal and faithful classic 120 gb gunmetal iPod given to Matt last year. He had over 14,000 songs and exactly 2 movies before he left us.

Playing Catch Up

2009-08-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write about my trip to Portland, and I swear I'll get around to it when I get back from camping. I've just been incredibly busy with a job promotion, story work, and sleeping.

I wanted to shout out a few things though that were pressing on my mind. I know not many of you here are gamers, but if you have ever heard of Diablo (or Diablo 2) and you liked it, there is a game out called Sacred 2 that has become my newest digital crack addiction. I rarely plug product without reviews, but trust me when I say just go buy it. Everyone who has followed my sage advice so far has not been disappointed.

Also on the game news front, there is a new video out for Halo 3 ODST. As I heard the narrator, I couldn't help but feel as if I had been there before. Everything felt so comfortable. It was as the squad leader pulled his helmet off, that I recognized a very familiar (if not digitized) face. My friends, you get to play as a rookie in a squad with Captain Malcom Reynolds, Jayne, and Wash from Firefly fame.

It was pure genius to me, of course sci-fi nuts already loved the series so why not go cuckoo for coco-puffs bringing the legendary talents back together? It's reasons like these why I'm glad Bungie and all other game-developers are true nerds at heart.

Lately people have been asking me where I get all my crazy T-shirts. Truth be told it depends. A lot of websites offer extremely cheap shirts, usually just for 24 hours and then that's that. I troll through them daily as new prints come up rather quickly. Just don't wear a shirt I'm wearing on the same day. Or else. :)

shirt.woot.com $10 flat rate for a shirt. (wait for Random Woot Days where shirts are only $6 but you don't know what you'll get)
www.threadless.com pricier shirts, but pretty much one of the companies to pave the way lots of great stuff if they actually have it in stock.
www.teextile.com A great layout with lots of premise letting you know the spread for the week with cheaper purchasing on the day it falls on. Sometimes great sometimes not so great.
www.teefury.com A lot like shirt.woot.com however once the day is over the shirt is gone forever.

I promise I'll bring my wit back with the next posting.

OH! Speaking of comedy, just in case you guys have never heard that the bird is the word, there is local comedy club in Santa Clarita. Get this, it's been here for over a decade. I went last week and was thoroughly impressed by the main act. Plus it's only $12 bucks. It's called JR's Comedy Club and it's held at Marie Calendars every weekend. The website is www.comedyinvalencia.com

You won't be disappointed. If you are, you don't know how to find the funniness in life and should live under a bridge.

Deep (and very random) Thoughts

2009-07-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I was looking through my notepad on my phone today and began reading some quick mental snipets of things I thought important enough to write down for a rainy day. The only problem? I can't remember why. Enjoy.

The holidays are riddled with censporship - if I had to guess, I'm going to say this had something to do with people being afraid to say merry christmas or happy hannakah at their work and instead settling for the generic happy holidays phrase to avoid confrontation. That or my mom had finally just told me Santa Claus doesn't actually exist. I'm 50/50 on this one.

A poletender not a bartender- I think this one is just some funny remark I heard about the difference of an attractive woman working at a seedy joint.

How is Lawerence Fishborne AKA Cowboy Curtis still acting- ok I think I used this one already, but seriously, how does a black man in cowskin chaps who wrangles talking sofas sit as the figurehead (the pontiff if you will) on the highest grossing tv series of all time? No justice I tell you.

People who watch porn are hypocrites against prop 8 - You might say your repulsed by all things gay but you know you have stare at his plumbing to check out hers. And if you try and say you're only into chick on chick... I'm just going to raise an eyebrow to what it was you exactly were against. BUSTED!
*I also wrote something about sneezing during self-appreciation time. What in the world....

While we are on the subject of porn, why doesn't 3D porn exist - I'm no expert, but it seems more and more movies these days are going into the realm of the third dimension. Why hasn't the porn biz jumped on this band wagon? If you asked me genitalia that popped seems like a no brainer to me.

Commercials with famous people just soaking it up - is it just me or does anyone actually want to watch Liv Tyler play a Nintendo DS with their friends while the rest of us common folk have to suffer and toil to make a days income? I grow tired of seeing people who have made it handed the easy life and being reminded of it irks me to no end. In truth I'm just jealous that I can't afford a DS I know Ms. Tyler just got for free. Damn her.

No name critics writing bad movie review taglines - nothing cracks me up more than when I look at the cover of a movie and read the words "this movie will blow you're mind!" I then look at the quotes source and it will read "Jack Smith at www.iliveathome.com" it just tickles me to know end. Also as an added bonus of knowledge dropped, if you see a movie you have never heard of dropping comparisons of popular titles like, "Scarier than JAWS" just set it down and walk away. Total trap.

I also have a list of things to do before I die on here which for now, ill keep to myself. However, if any of you are down to hitchhike like a hobo on a freight train, let me know.

That about sums up the spiderwebs in my brain closet. I'm writing this from a notepad on my cellphone so I apologize for any typos in advance. My fat digits and these little buttons are a recipe for disaster. I'm off to go bike some more around Oregon! Ciao!

So, I'm retarded.

2009-07-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Like even more so then the time I lit my armpit on fire retarded.

Thanks in advance to those of you who are nodding in agreement saying to yourselves that you already knew this. However in the hope of not ruining people’s futures, if you have any desire to read Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor, avoid this rant.

I’ve just read Survivor for a second time and for a second time, I still can’t figure out exactly what it is he “survived.” I can recognize all the other themes, like the ever-present notion that commercialism has eroded individuality and identity and the Fertility concept that we can’t escape our own fate and things laid in motion will happen. But this whole surviving business has me thoroughly stumped.

Is surviving simply breaking out of the Creedish indoctrination? Or is the surviving the legacy he leaves behind in the tape recorder? Or is it simply because he was the last survivor? I refuse to believe it could be something as simple as that, I like my double meanings and hidden-in-plain-sight agendas that Palahniuk is notorious for leaving. He’s the satirical king of presenting the darker grander shadow that casts itself over this globe.

People might try to say leave my hands clean of looking for a resolved ending. I know I can’t expect some Hollywood movie cookie cutter ending or happily ever after, but I don’t want to keep scratching my head to the balding point over this.

So come on brain trust, I need some shout outs and insight. While you’re at it, I could use some literary suggestions. All I’ve got left to read is Pygmy and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

As a last side note, what’s you’re favorite Palahniuk book? Personally mine’s Choke. The twists and dementia are top-notch.