Apparently evil retail corporations purposefully suck all the joy out of their employees lives this time of year.
BUT, I did want to post something today that's been sitting on the back burner for a while.
Most of you out there have Facebook in this day and age, but like all fun things, it can easily corrupt. A recent study has labeled people 14-24 who spend at least 40% of their week on Facebook a new "hyper" society. If you ask me that just strikes me as lazy and unproductive, but MOST of us are guilty of it to some extent.
The ones that get me are the people who I see post 20 times a day. If you do this, I've probably already set your status updates to ignore. It's just annoying to read that you need my help in your gangster war, you found a yellow cow, you liked this song a lot, you just checked in at your house, and your updates......
OH your updates.
Here's a little bit of advice about what you feel you need to tell the world that I heard from someone else one time. If you can't say what your writing in a crowded quite line at the bank without feeling stupid, it has no business being layered in with that mask of anonymity, it shouldn't be said.
Plus, if you are keeping people posted about the fact you had a banana and some coffee, keep the trivial drool to yourself please and thank you.
Me? I have a rule. I post one status update a day NO MATTER what. The only time I break this if something is extremely time sensitive like, "Kogi BBQ truck in town for the next 2 hours." Otherwise, whatever I have to say can wait or be used in my blog...
Which brings me to the THINGS YOU NEVER SAW ME WRITE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO ANNOY YOU POST!
Below are some fun things I wish I could have said at the time but didn't because I didn't want to be a jerk and blow up your notification stations. Enjoy!
Why is that when my hands are full I always drop my phone before my soda?
When I see a skinny girl I always wonder how all her internal organs fit inside.
Murphy's Law only comes into play when you're in a hurry. This bad luck must be named after the cop Murphy who got shot up and turned into RoboCop.
How is it that my mother possesses the impeccable ability to call me back down to talk right as I'm at the top of stairs?
Dear Mr. Customer; I don't believe you when you want a $50 refund on an expensive bottle of vitamins to use on booze and smokes when you can't afford a shower. Please stop trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
To some friends, your value to them is a direct correlation to the fact of whether or not you possess a truck.
I would vote Stewart and Colbert as president and vice president without hesitation.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Spandex is a privilege not a right.
Are we really so short on fresh new ideas that we are remaking indie films like Death at a Funeral and Let The Right One in less than two years after there initial release? Jeez Louise!
Poor decision making skills is the common denominator in all scary movies. Maybe that’s why most involve high-school students or uneducated common folk? On a related note, the business sector’s kryptonite tends to be end of days catastrophes like tidal waves, meteors and Godzilla.
I just need to figure out how to get 1% of 6 billion America people in the world to just give me one little old dollar.
Is anyone still use MySpace?
Why can’t my chicken flat bread sandwich look as good as it does in the picture I ordered it from?
When other countries have issues with the government they riot. Us? We just form tea parties and formally protest until we can find another corrupt politician to rally behind. Vicious circle.
It’s kind of cute when old people smell like weed
It’s always smarter to wear gloves when handling glitter. That stuff stays with you like a bad cough.
Telling yourself you’ll have just one drink on a Friday night is a shameful lie.
I love how I can fit close to 30 punk songs on a CD because of how short they usually are. This reaffirms that punk music spawned to placate the ADD riddled people.
If you wear a hood and/or sunglasses into my store, don’t get defensive that I assume you’re either a criminal or a celebrity or both (SEE: Wynona Ryder)
I’ve come to discover that the fan in bathrooms is not meant to keep steam at bay or make smells vanish but merely to mask embarrassing potty noises.
While looking into assisted living for my mom when I schlep her off to the home, I caught myself wondering if a hit-man would just be cheaper.
Whatever your reasons, if you wiped your butt and threw the paper in the trash can, you're a moron. I just can’t fathom this one.
I never lose sight of a low flying bird for fear it's making a bombing run.
If I let you in as some nice gesture while driving and you don't acknowledge my gratitude with a handshake or wave I just want to run you back off the road.
I’m a firm believer that if you can’t navigate aisles with a shopping cart/stroller, you have no business being behind the wheel of a an automobile.
No Mr. Bum, I will not give you any change for standing outside when you have a shade umbrella and a smartphone I catch you texting on. You can politely go to hell.
Mr/Miss Waiter, if I make contact with you it’s because I’m either checking you out or I need your assistance. Regardless of which it actually is, you have to pony up and take your chances.
If you have the choice, always get behind the car with a sticker on it. They tend to move faster. NOTE*This sticker cannot be a handicap, I support cops, Honor Student, or Baby on Board sticker.
I have come to the conclusion that the original Karate Kid has the greatest soundtrack of all time and no movie will ever come close to taking that title away. Not even a Danny Elfman scored flick.
See you later Space Cowboys.
