Moving along…..
See that redhead above next to me with amazement written on his face? He’s the SECOND prettiest redheaded man on the planet and he’s been complaining an awful lot about me not posting anything on here. So I figured why not take the spotlight off of me for a change and tell you a little about someone else. Enjoy the completely true facts* below.
Jon is so cool that at birth, knowing he was the one Jon to rule them all, he omitted the letter “h” from his name and had the corresponding Sesame Street episode that it was brought by banned from his household.
Jon is responsible for naming 14 As Seen on TV hits such as the Snuggie, Slap Chop, that one cream that gets out any scratch on your car, and the Sham-WOW among others.
Of those fourteen, twelve were derived while thinking on the toilet hence the common slang of “going to the John.”
Jon can speak 8 different languages including one that he made up on a boring day as well as elvish after watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy only 2 times through. (The extended cut)
Jon is the reason “Mmmmm Bop” exists after the Hanson brothers overheard him humming at a local Starbucks a decade ago. They still have not paid him any royalties, but Jon has let it go being the bigger man.
Speaking of big, it is well known that Little John of Robin Hood lore chose the name out of respect of the imminent arrival of this Jon who would be the biggest of the big.
This is also why John Bon Jovi prefers to be known simply as Bon Jovi or JBJ and why John Wayne went by “The Duke.”
The Dark Ages were aptly named because Jon wasn’t around to lighten peoples lives.
Sensitive to the classic Disney film Bambi, Jon petitioned that unidentified victims deserved more recognition than an animal term and that was how John Doe was born. Before that, they were all just Does.
As a ginger and being born with no soul, Jon rectified this by merely imitating the moves of Mortal Kombat character Shang Tsung at the local arcade. He now collects them as a hobby and leaves them in a jar in his parlor.
When Jon goes to the beach, the sun has to put on protective lotion from him.
It has been said that when scientists tried to reverse engineer Jon’s hot blooded body the formula for synthetic fabric insulation was born. They were later come to be known as Long Johns and are worn by most skiers.
Jon is the only man in recorded his history to be able to multi-task. Women from across the globe have thrown their significant others into his seminars saying that Jon is everything they wish their husbands could be… and more. Sadly no on has ever gotten right although they do give credit to a street performer who can juggle bowling pins, while balancing a spinning plate on his nose while performing a Dixie tune off his one-man-band instrument.
Jon once convinced medical professionals that nose mucus was the membrane that coated your brain and kept your intelligence inside your body. It was the best April’s Fool Joke in the history of the universe.
Jon has survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris. He lost a tooth, but he did survive.
Jon’s favorite movie hasn’t even been made yet, but he knows that it will be a science-fiction involving Christopher Walken and a locked lunchbox.
Stuck in the wilderness with zero supplies after saving a baby platypus, Jon called up his will power to intensely stare at a pile of logs until it caught on fire. He now uses this trick to heat up lukewarm coffee and cook the best nachos in the world at his beckoning.
Jon is responsible for creating the popular soda brand Cactus Cooler after accidentally knocking over a glasses of pineapple juice, Sprite and orange juice all at the same time.
Jon is a very good driver and obeys the speed limit postings at all time after a freak incident where he went 88 MPH one time. He doesn’t like to talk about it and has developed an intense paranoia of zombies.
Speaking of Zombies. The Zombie March is Saturday starting at 6pm and I know Jon and myself can expect to see you there! Call me, message me, find me and remember it starts at Newhall park and goes back to Brave New World this year. (That’s right folks, it’s backwards.)
CIAO!
