The Past, Present and Future

Back to the Future 2

First and foremost it should be noted that while BTTF deserves to be watched in its entire trilogy form, I found my family had already watched the first one the night previously so I jumped the gun and got right into the second one.

The second should be that Christopher Lloyd is uncle to this guy and I’m disappointed I didn’t figure it out sooner.



Doc Brown is the uncle to Ted Buckland from Scrubs. Go figure.

As with the other two movies, the thing that makes this film so unique and fun is that it is rare to see the science-fiction comedy. Most are about alien invasions, viruses, killer robots, but this one is just good clean humor and in my opinion one of the harder things to do in keeping continuity. I mean going back to 1955 twice? That’s deep.

The film is a must and should be considered up there with the other two mainstay trilogies, the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones (Sorry Lord of the Rings, but with your extended editions, your films turn into a sexology. I mean come on 683 minutes? Yikes)

I only had one problem with the film. If Old Biff goes back in time to give himself the almanac, then when he got back, shouldn’t he have gone down the alternate timeline and therefore stranded Marty and the Doc in 2015 with no Delorean? It makes you wonder.

Other than that hiccup, I’m just waiting five more years for this hover conversion thing to happen.

Stay tune as I lay down my design ideas for LEGO: Back to the Future. (Awesome, right?)

Pirhana 3D

This week I went and dropped down some money to go see Pirhana 3D. It came highly recommended and its cult-based remake status made me figure it was worth the extra expense. *

What I thought I would getting would be man vs fish and I did for the 15 seconds Ving Rhames threw down.

What I actually got was a taste of my first 3D porn oh and Christopher Lloyd (not together, although that puts him 2 for 2 this week). Seriously, that's all it was. A bunch of boobies and something about man-eating fish. I know a lot of slashers will put the topless girl in there as almost a shout out to the genre or other gimmick but this was over the top. I think you see a nipple every 3 minutes.

It was so bad, that the ushers, having spotted some kids who had snuck in kicked the kids out and made the mom who had went in to see another movie forcibly watch it with them so she knew what she was exposing them to. (Way to go Regal!)
The sad thing is, the movie could have been really good all on its own without the smut. I kept hoping for it to turn a corner that never came and it ended on such a random note I just sat there scratching my head.

I know Eli Roth produced but I'm almost more curious if Ron Jeremy or Larry Flint were involved as well.

My recommendation? Wait for it to come out to rent or even better, go gnab the original. 70s slashers had something today's can't compete with.

Class.

That is of course, unless you really need to see Jeremy O'Connels penis on the big screen and in 3D. Then by all means, this movie's for you.

TRON Legacy

I've been pumped about this movie for a while now and all I can say is that it is going to rock faces. While Jeff Bridges can't do the action sequences all that well (Iron Man anyone?) There's so much other stuf going on that I know this will be awesome.

You've got amazing CGI, just a wickedly cool theme with a much darker plot and to top it off, Daft Punk is doing the entire soundtrack.

That's a whole lot of win if you ask me. Now if only Christoper Lloyd had a part in it.

On side notes of worth mention, it should be told that I'm a bit surprised in the Avatar "Special Edition." I really am curious to see how well this does and secretly want it to fall on its face. I hate when studios hold back on deleted scenes and edited film to do re-releases. Star Wars is the king supreme and Lord of the Rings isn't too far behind. Ad we're suckers all the same EVERYTIME.

Lastly, I intend to see Robert Rodriguez's new Machete at the Mission Tiki Drive-In. It's probably the best way to enjoy this cinematic nugget. Any takers? Let me know and just check out Mission Tiki because you should.

Also with the new Halo releasing so soon, of course they're going to release some sweet-looking teaser. What surprised me was apparently Sprint wants to captilize on this for themselves with the commericial at the bottom. See any similiarities? I smell a lawsuit.


Now look at this.




*It is recommended to save on the 3D movies that you save a pair of glasses and buy a ticket for another show at the same time. That extra four dollars can get you a popcorn or a soda pop. For reals.

Yuck.

I need to clear up the air here with a few key items. I haven’t won the lottery. Spiders have invaded my home.

The former I’m sure doesn’t surprise you. Someone the other day told me I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. I asked them if my chances of singing Oingo Boingo’s Dead Man’s Party would further increase my chances, but they didn’t seem to understand my cleverness so the conversation rolled on.

But seriously, spiders. They’re EVERYWHERE. There’s so many that I think I have a nest somewhere in my room or outside in the hallway. Here’s my journal of spotted creepy crawlies.



Spider Log

I found my first spider today just hanging out on the wall above my bed as if showing off he knows where I sleep. That won’t do at all. I rescue him and deport him like an illegal Mexican.

His brother must not have liked the recent deportation because the next one was waiting for me right above the light switch panel early in the morning while it was still dark. I’m no proud to say I panicked and retreated back on my heels. Being naked and getting ready to take a shower I felt too vulnerable to offer him the same exile so I got a bunch of tissue and committed cold-blooded murder.

Where are these spiders coming from? The next one was chilling inside my laundry (specifically my undies) while sorting clothes for the laundry. The worst part? I couldn’t get at him at first because he kept burrowing deeper and deeper into my unmentionables. This resulted in me flinging each article of clothing through the air into the hall until I could locate the stowaway and kill him.

Spotted one on the wall above the TV in the living room. Boom goes the dynamite.

I see one high up on our loft ceilings. He knows he is safe up there as I can’t do anything to stop him. Who in the world decided it was smart to have such high, untouchable ceilings. Curses.

Ok I’m about to call it quits. While moving my travel bag I uncovered a spider just a little shy of the size of a roll of quarters. What the heck is going on? I’m not even thinking about touching this one. I run off and ask pops to kill it. He offers it mercy and I stand there trying to convince him that he doesn’t understand what I’ve done to his family and that’ll he back. Many sleepless nights to come.

Another spider in my hamper! I shriek and stomp down so hard I threaten to put a hole in the floor. I’m about to call a fumigator, put a tent up and kill anything still alive inside.

So far that’s about it, but those are just the ones I can catch. I don’t even want to imagine what’s going on with the ones that stay lurking in the shadows. The sad part is, the most sound night of sleeping
I had was this one when we camped in the backyard.

My mom says they’re coming in to escape the heat, but I say they’re just a bunch of bums who need to get jobs and not live in my house.

THE END?

P.S. While he’s not a creepy crawly, we did find this HUGE caterpillar eating one of our tomatoes. This thing is massive.



P.P.S.

The funniest most ridiculous thing to ever come from Nickelodeon. You should have moved on this when you had the chance. Cartoon Network is laughing all the way to the bank.

“I’m on a Boat!” –Andy Samberg

Those are the words I’ll hopefully have the distinguished pleasure of singing in roughly seven months.

I’ve been on everything else, planes, trains and automobiles but I’ve never taken a cruise. I’ve always wanted too, but they are expensive affairs and I’m not one to party alone so it’s been difficult to find someone with either the money, time or actual desire to want to take a spin on the high seas.

The cruise is a 4-day through the Caribbean. It leaves from Miami to the Turks before coming back. Pretty standard.

However, you guys know me and my flair for the unique and I’m excited to say that this time will be no different.

You see, there’s this band that goes by the name 311. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. They like to celebrate bi-yearly on March 11th, (hence the 3/11) and it usually draws huge crowds of dedicated fans.


However, 2011 is an off year for the tour so to do something truly special in honor of the entire month of March in the year 2011 they are doing a once-in-a-lifetime gig by partying for four days on a Carnival cruise liner and those lucky enough to get invited our partying with them.

Honestly, it almost feels like a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of chance.

I’m pretty stoked.
I’m also pretty freaked out. The site’s registry the initial day of the pre-sale crashed. To complicate things further, after we registered the following day, some of the cabins were already booked. People who know people always get further ahead in life it seems.
Furthermore, we registered exactly 6 seconds after the presale began and our confirmation date is almost an entire day behind people. Today people are already booking their rooms and we have wait for our “invited” time slot tomorrow at 12pm. It makes me want to punch someone in the face.
Either way, I know I’ll get on the cruise, it’s just a matter of how much it’s going to cost. If it ends up costing too much, then we’ll have to road trip out to save on airline costs. I’m actually for this to begin with because I’ve always wanted to take a road trip across the continental US and being on the only freeway that’s transcontinental should make the trip a breeze.

There’s really only one flaw in the trip and that’s me. I’ve never been one to complain a lot about the way I look. I’m not in Daniel Craig/Taylor Lautner shape, but I’m fit enough to run around and glisten (AKA sweat) more than others. But for this trip, I’d really like to be able to take my shirt off and be completely comfortable around other people. I’ve already got issues with the sun so if I could really use the boost in confidence of being toned up a bit.

What I'm trying to look like. Minus the tan and guido hair.

I figure I have seven months which should be more than enough time. I’m not looking to get into crazy shape so I just have to set some of the following ground rules and stick to them in an operation I call FATTITUDE.

OPERATION FATTITUDE:

1. No more Sodas or anything consisting of a high sugar/carb intake. That means Gatorades have to go too. (Technically they’re really bad for you and I just heard vitamin water is getting forced to renounce it’s title as a water.)


2. No more fast food. This processed food will be the death of us all. Plus there are cheap quick fixings to be had in the local grocery stores. FYI Subway is just as bad if you don't eat it correctly. Like a $5 footlong is really what our bodies need. I do need some downtime so that I don't end up just giving up so I'm going to allow myself to "cheat" and have In-N-Out once a week. (We all have our vices)

3. No more drinking alcohol. I know what you’re thinking. It’s me. It can’t be done. But I crunched some numbers and this one’s a killer to my plans and if it’s between giving this or dairy products up, well I mean come on, I’m not stupid. I will miss the Beir Academy though as just when I find something great I have to let it go. I’m still going to allow myself to partake in hard liquor on hallowed events like Thanksweenie, Insanity and my birthday. It’ll be a hoot to see if I revert back to a lightweight.

4. I need to work out at least 3 times a week. This will be just as hard as no booze because I lack the time and effort to want to go. But if I’m going to pay almost $1,000 smackaroos to do this, then it’s time to get serious.
I’ve been looking for motivation for the last two or three years so now’s the moment of opportunity.


It’s fat dying time.

Wish me luck, more on this and more as it happens.
Ciao.

Oh, one last thing. I’ve been listening to this band called Iron and Wine a lot thanks to their introduction by Mike and Jess. They really rock. The video has nothing to do with the music, but it was the best quality I could find. Still, the video is a trip in and of itself.

Worst. Day. Ever.

Sometimes I wonder how people like Adam Corolla, Dennis Leary and Lewis Black exist because I find it impossible to be witty or creative when imbued by such negativity.

Today is one of those days I guess.

No, scratch that. Today is not good at all. My special edition Halo (I add that to build my own clout you see) Xbox 360 succumbed to what 70% of Xbox 360 owners have had to deal with:



The Red Ring of Death.

It’s been such a huge controversy over the years that apparently they’ve secretly extended the shelf life of their system warranties all the way through to the end of this year. I guess the buck stopped at the Elite and new slim version.

So I’ve got that going for me in the fact that I don’t have to pay anything for it. However, I do face another dilemma in part to the upcoming release of the next Halo system. You see, the free repair and turnover takes anywhere of 5-8 weeks and Halo: Reach releases in a mere two. Someone up high is laughing at the irony.

I sure as hell am not.

Adding insult to injury, I never realized how much I used my Xbox for things other than games these days. It was my DVD player. It was my Netflix account. It was every piece of digital media I had… acquired over the last few years. In essence it was my portal to entertainment far above what your average 9-year-old uses it for.

Now it’s just a rectangular spot on my cabinet where the wood doesn’t match the rest of the sun-bleached top. It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss it, like a child whose lollipop has been taken away.

This is going to be a rough five weeks. Anyone need a wingman for Co-Op when the new game comes out? I’m your Spartan.

Damn you Bill Gates.

The Past, Present and Future

Three Amigos

When people think Saturday Night Live movies, they think Anchorman, Hot Rod, Night at the Roxbury. But what people forget is that Lorne Michaels was in the movie business long before Tommy Boy and the rest of its consorts.

Three Amigos was one of those movies that just got it all right. It’s the tale of three out-of-work actors who after misinterpreting the definition of “infamous,” find themselves in an all out death match with Mexico’s worst banditos.

The movie borrows a lot from legendary films like Seven Samurai and just about every John Wayne film ever made, but what it might lack in originality it more than makes up for in original comedy.

It’s a great film from a forgotten genre and reminds us that the bedazzler actually existed a long time ago when it was OK for men to walk around saloons and do dance numbers. Just remember, that if you ever play a drinking game around this movie, don’t make one of the rules every time a gun gets fired or every time you see a cactus. That’s just plain evil.

Step-Up 3D

Ok first off, slow your roll. Yes, I saw this movie. And YES, I wanted to see this movie.

Of course you’re allowed to ask why.

I really enjoy watching people do things that I never can, it’s a form of admiration. Dancing, as ludicrous as it can be at times is something very entertaining. I always catch myself getting entranced by street performers in Santa Monica whenever I’m down there.

Sadly, I wish I had spent my hard-earned money on them instead of the waste of time that was Step-Up 3D.

I mean I thought I was bracing myself for disappointment. These movies have never exactly had what normal society would call a plot, but as long as there was momentum carrying each scene forward until the next dance-off, I could live with that.

For the third installment, you just want to break its legs ala Misery and hope it never has the will to get up ever again. And I don’t mean the kind of breaking where you spin on your head.

It was just bad. The 3D was lukewarm, rather than having choreography built around it, it was saved for stupid moments like popping bubbles in the park or blowing juice drinks through steam vents. Laser Cats 3D had better effects.

I guess the worst part was that it just felt like a copy of the much better sequel. The nerdy Moose was the only thing that saved the film and I went through most of the movie wondering if they hired the same girl from the 2nd film to play a completely different character in the new installment. I mean they even copied the 2nd films water dance scene move for move it felt.

All in all, it was a shameful way to end the series (I hope it’s over after this) and I find myself wanting to go watch the 2nd one again.

If I ever hear anyone say they were born from a boombox (BFAB) expect a punch in your throat.

Ghost Rider 2

Nick Cage announced on some late night talk show that they were gearing up to shoot the sequel to his 2007 lackluster movie. I think there were less people than Americans who actively watch Soccer that cared.

You would think by now that the people who make these films have an understanding of what consumers expect from these superhero flicks. There’s the good side of the Iron Man series, the first Two Spider-Mans, The Batman films, the first two X-men, then there’s the bad side consisting of Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry (AKA X3) Wolverine, the first Hulk movie, Daredevil/Elektra, Fantastic Four, Superman, Punisher with David Hasselhoff’s Nick Fury movie in a somewhat gray area. (I mean the Hoff wore a denim tuxedo the whole film, you have to respect that.)

I’m not against them making more, but lets do a reboot with new people. When the same people try to go for the sequel, they’ve already alienated the audience and are not going to get the kind of revenue and brand appeal that they need. I’m sorry Nick, I loved you in the Rock, but let’s just remember the good times and call it a day.

Winners and Losers

Someone told me the other day that you should never give a Narwhal a library card.

I still don’t know what that means or exactly how it’s an ice-breaker, but it certainly has you thinking doesn’t it? I’m trying to get back in the habit of blogging daily (Vanessa if I can do this for 2 weeks straight it’s your turn), but it becomes really difficult when I work the hours I work. It’s depressing in that sense that I literally don’t have any free time in the day to where I can just ponder about why things are the way they are.

Is that what it means to be grown up?

Clearing my head seems like a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible right now. I’m frustrated with my job (what’s new). We’re the 17th biggest company on the fortune 500 and we’re DOWNSIZING. I mean come on? Take into account that not only have people been laid off and terminated, but now it just means more work for us in an already overly stressed environment.

Honestly, this was not the gig I though I would be signing up for. I really don’t want to even talk more on the subject, but let’s just say I’m currently job searching.

In other news, I got an interesting present in the mail. Have you ever received those pre-made mailing address stickers? Not that I mail too much stuff out but now I have labels with bears, trout, wolves, and the American flag. The disabled verteran’s association sent it out as a sort of fund raiser.



They even gave me a nickel to mail back to them.

Now of course, I’m going to mail back more than that nickel and I thought of a clever way of killing two birds with one stone. I recently rediscovered how much I love to gamble and as of late have been doing the super lotto/mega millions. I mean you can’t win if you don’t play right?

The learning curve was a bit rough in spots. I accidentally bought one set of numbers 10 times so now I have the same ticket until October, but after ironing out the details I made a vow with the higher powers that be that if I won, I’d donate half of my winnings to a charity.

I won $3 dollars.

The irony doesn’t escape me and I intend to make good on my promise so I’m just going to take my entire winnings and donate them to this veteran’s fund.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Stagnation

I used to have (and should continue to) a subscription to the Onion Newspaper. It’s quite possibly the greatest source of farcical news in printed format.

I remember an article a while back entitled “Everything Taking Too Long.” In it, people complained about the microwave not being as fast as it should be, a drive-thru taking precious extra minutes and pretty much everything mankind needed was getting in the way of what mankind wanted to be doing.

While I don’t disagree that the article maybe hit a little too close to home in this age of self-delusion and entitlement, I find there are times when things just take a little too long.

Take reading books as a key point. No not textbooks*, those awful things as insightful as they are give me the heebee jeebees.

I’m talking about the kind of book where you think it’ll be a great read and then you find yourself struggling and laboring to get through it. We’re talking about the kind of procrastination that makes doing your taxes look good.

The worst part is I’ve hit that with the last two books I’ve tried going through. Ask a friend and they’ll tell you that I can go through a book in 5 hours if I want, but my recent tackle, Boneshaker by Cherrie Priest might have been more painful than childbirth.

The annoying thing was the book promised so much. Airships, pirates, Steampunk and zombies. Instead, what it provided was a lot of random plots that loosely tied a besieged town together with no real meat and bones to it and a lackluster end. Worse the whole book was all about female empowerism. The rises and struggles of single parenthood. COME ON! I want brain-eating action and suspense out of my sci-fis.

Secondly, we come to my #2 author, Chuck Phalanuik’s latest tale in Tell-All. It’s an ambitious approach writing a screenplay format as a novel, but where it loses people is in the way it drops its adjectives and descriptions. If a normal person were to describe a cup of coffee as “hot,” Chuck goes through the excruciating effort of describing the same cup of coffee as catching Marilyn Monroe walking across a vent with her dress flying up.

That’s all fine and dandy considering most of the world knows who Monroe is, but he lists so many dang actors and actresses of a generation I completely missed out on that I’m reading IMDB.com more often than the pages of his book. It’s frustrating I tell you.

Either way, Boneshaker took me nearly six months to get through and if it wasn’t for the fact that there were times during a camping trip with nothing else to do, I might not have made it at all. It looks like Tell-All will be no different. Bullocks.

Has that ever happened to you?

I just bought my first Kindle book (more on that later) and I'm curious to finally take a crack at it. Hopefully it doesn't fall into the same kind of stagnation. To be warned I'm terrified of falling asleep on it and having a keyboard imprinted into my cheek or just breaking the dang thing.

I think there’s a couple of video games that I might have put on too hard of a difficulty setting and just said screw this too, I’m sure there’s more out there.

Ciao for now.

*Note I consider Great Expectations to be a textbook because it was what introduced me to the world of coffee. Not that I'm not grateful, but I had to read that book and do a summary chapter review the night before school started. All 50 gazillion chapters. Sure, I procrastinated, but still. That book is dead to me. I even almost gave up on Reading Rainbow. Almost.

Mr. Know It All

I’d like to think I know everything.

Sometimes, I even tell myself I do. This of course is but a fleeting moment as seconds later I discover I’m probably even more stupid than I wanted to deny. Some people call this the male ego. I guess it’s funny that way that it has to be labeled as a gender-related trait. I mean who bit the apple first ladies? HMMM? I’m just saying.

As those of you who know me can attest, when new people meet me, they either think one of two things about me: I’m either extremely confident or impeccably arrogant/cocky. To me those seem as perfect synonyms for each other because to conclude that someone is arrogant, you really almost have to study them for more than a hot second.

I know people are all about first impressions, but do any of us ever actually take the time to be surprised by people?

For example, I’m the first guy to volunteer to ask for help. Whether my guns aren’t big enough to do some heavy lifting or I’m completely lost on my way to finding you some tampons, I readily defer to the person who knows more than me.

I guess I laugh about it because while in San Francisco a month back, my good comrade was literally appalled by the fact that I didn’t know what Haight and Ashbury was. I believe the comment I got was, “What the Hell, you’re the most worldly guy I know.”

I don’t know about worldly, I’ve only been to a few places outside the States and even then there’s a lot of room still to explore. I guess I just enjoy the oddity of storing random facts. I guess sometimes it comes off as pretentious to spill my little nuggets of information, but I only do it because I’m eager to share.

Enough epiphany for now. I’m in need of help.

I recently bough Starcraft 2 and to my dismay, my computer pretty much told me to go F myself. Apparently you have to have a machine capable of controlling the International Space Station or something to that degree. So I’m looking for a new laptop. I know desktops are traditionally where you go when you’re looking for a power rig, but I need to stay mobile for the next two-three years. It’s like having a house line when you use your cell phone. Sure, some people have that Magic Jack witchcraft, but who really has time for that?

While we’re on the topic of tech, I’m also looking for a nice tablet. Something cheap but durable.

Any thoughts anyone? Shoot me an e-mail so I know what to be looking for.

See you guys all soon!

Oh and I know the radio has been blowing these guys up as of late, but you really should check them out.

The Past, Present, and Future

So as a new goal to write about something each week, I'm trying to take time to reflect on movies that are out now, have been around for a while and coming soon on the horizon.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I recently re-watched this film and let me tell you that if you haven't seen this flick, it's like saying you've never actually wanted a Superbird from Denny's at 3 in the morning after drinking. Come on.

The movie is remincesnt of Bad Santa in that it follows the hijinks and stumblings of a man whose lost his way and just trying to find his place in the world.

There's more than enough laughs, action and a pretty edgy and sensible detective noir wrapped up in this not quite polished albeit diamond in the rough. Plus watching Downey Jr. saunter through a random house under substance influence is disturbingly poetic. (Talk about method acting).

Did I mention Val Kilmer is gay in the film? Icing on the cake.

Inception

By now if you're smart enough you've already seen this movie in theaters to either avoid peer pressure or escape people posting about it on facebook and ruining it. (Seriously people, have you ever heard of spoilers?)

The movie to me was brilliantly shot with an amazing ensemble of actors. Chris Nolan brought back all his favorite people (just missing Heath Ledger for the most part) in a film that screamed the feel of his Batman series combined with a more realistic take on the Matrix series. You know, throw out the religous parallels.

What most people gripe about (if anything at all) is the non-cookie cutter hollywood ending that forces the viewer to make their own decision in the end.

Hands down this might be the best movie I've seen in the last few years.

Ghost Rider 2

Nick Cage announced this on one of the late night talk shows and only 2% of America cared. Seriously, that's a lower interest than our standings in the World Cup.

The problem with Ghost Rider (other than the lack of solid plot and a notable villain) is that the Ghost Rider is servant from Hell and let's face it, PG-13 can't cut that kind of demonic necessity.

I can't see this being anything worth watching and will probably join the Daredevil, Elektra, and Spider-Man 3 side of marvel flicks.

Oh well.