They have the power to mend wounds, cripple dreams and make math problems very complicated.
I say that because last Friday, as a joke, I instigated a test in a friend’s personal life. You see, she was complaining about her current man-thing being a little obsessed about her every action. I don’t know if it was as detailed as far as in deciding whether to play it safe and eat the oatmeal or live dangerously and go far the bagel, but he seemed to have his fingers dipped in all her current affairs.
So, me being me, I stressed a point. I went on my phone's facebook and "liked" said friends last four wall posts, made nice and appropriate comments about her last few profile pictures and then thanked her for coming out to dinner.
All true stuff. None of it should have been taken as anything other than compliments. This all took a matter of five minutes or so, (T-Mobile 3G is a joke) and within five minutes of that, my friend received a text message from her beau saying she was a liar and that they were splitsville.
It literally happened just like that.
For a second, I thought I had crossed that immoral line of home-wrecking at the expense of a prank. Luckily, the friend has a better sense of humor than me and was laughing within minutes and sharing the story around the table. I felt vindicated and a little drunk with power, but deep down it reminded me that once we say something, it can’t be taken back.
So I’d like to say one last thing to my friend, who’s one of three self-proclaimed avid viewers of my blog, it’s his loss, not yours. You go girl.
This of course got me thinking about other things that should just never really be said.
Weight. Let’s face it, every man in the world dreads the inevitability of getting asked, “Does this make me look fat?” If you’re like me your smart and just shut your trap and start pretending you’re choking.
Ugly babies. They’re out there, and they’re not going anywhere guys. And while we all know that it’s not right to tell some couple and the sum of their love is comparable to something you would wash away with your garden hose that doesn’t make it right. However, what you might not realize is that you should also never tell your significant other that either. They will think you unfit for parenting and hold a mental grudge against your insensitivity. Just bury that one deep down.
A poorly cooked anything. Remember that saying, it’s the thought that counts? Well, the last time I checked thoughts aren’t edible and they definitely don’t stave hunger pains. But just know that if you spurn someone’s cooking you never know what you may get the next time if anything at all. It’s best that if you are being forced to chow down on something that you can’t keep down to go back to the first rule and start pretending you’re choking.
Driving. I have two rules about driving. If I’m at the wheel deal with it. If you’re in the front passenger seat, you’re in charge of the radio unless I tell you I really like that song. Rather than tell me what I’m doing wrong/missing/generally failing at, get proactive and take charge yourself. No one should be critiqued while driving a 6,000 pound object at a speed that can squish you flatter than a pancake at the flick of a wrist.
Politics. We are a diverse melting pot. That being said, it’s smart to just agree to disagree. Unless you follow the O’Hannbraughbeck. Then you’re just wrong.
And stupid.
Speaking of words though, I leave you all with something very dear to me. In a sincere request for a farcical retort to the recent Glenn Beck rally, the efforts of Restore Truthiness have gained traction.
The Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive is now happening this October 30th, 2010 at the National Mall. I really want to go, but don’t see that as a possibility because it’s frankly a lot sooner than I would like and it’s in DC and it’s the night before Halloween.
I have high hopes for this event because I just want to be validated that there are more rational, comic-minded people out there than the spooked mindless sheep that always seem to garner media attention.
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Stay tuned for my own big announcement tomorrow! You don't want to miss it!
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