It’s bigger than terrorism, it impacts more people than the economy and like carbon monoxide, you’d never know it was around you until it was too late.
It’s no joke. According to my sources (SEE: Cha Cha) roughly 4% of America or 12 million for those of you who can’t do math still have not done the dirty deed. It gets better. About 30% of women, who are 18 years old, are virgins. By age 19, only 19% of women are virgins and by 24 only 8% are virgins. It’s true.
So what do we do about it? First, we acknowledge that there are virgins all around us and get them help.
This ad is no joke people. The number is real. Dial (888) 743-4335. It’s automated so you need to give it a call, (even if you’re not a virgin it’s just funny as hell). The only confusing thing about the ad is that I’m not sure if they mean to help the virgins out there by helping rectify the problem (SEE: Escort Service) or console them into believing everything is perfectly alright (SEE: Suicide Hotline).
All I know is that information is power and it’s time we be on the look out for these virgins so we can help them.
How to Spot a Virgin:
Spotting a virgin is easy when broken down into the two qualifying categories (three for the ladies).
Men’s Appearance:
Like most mammals in the animal kingdom, when a male selects a mate, he will decorate himself to make the ladies swoon. Some animals groom themselves, others show off elaborate plumage.
Men are no different and spotting one is no challenge. Virgins tend to be universally weak with very little muscle mass. They can be any shape or size but tend to be both pale and scrawny or fat asses. Other indicators are the way they accessorize. Thick-framed glasses, net books inside European messenger satchels (SEE: Purses), pocket protectors and asthma inhalers are all plain hints that the word fornication has escaped these people.
Be careful associating fanny packs in this category. While somewhat embarrassing, they are a favorite of off-duty policemen to carry their guns and are currently blowing up in Australia as the next big retro comeback.
Men’s Behaviors:
If the appearance has you on the fence, behavior will be the deal sealer. Most virgins do not know how to function in a world outside of their Massively Mulitplayer Online Role Playing Games or MMORPG (SEE: World of Warcraft).
The term “ice-breaker” will be unfamiliar with these people as they will talk about things completely irrelevant to getting towards their long-term goals (SEE: Consummation). They usually exhibit poor motor coordination outside of the arcade and are incredibly timid and passive.
In the unlikely hood of a woman showing interest, they usually clam up and stumble across words to only then make up for it by buying them a bunch of stuff. A virgin is like a credit card with no spending limit.
They likely still live at home with their parents. Depending on the age of the virgin, they may have been exiled to the guest house or basement.*
Typically their social life consists of conventions, so if you find yourself at one, you have entered the proverbial “lion’s den.” You might want to ask yourself exactly why you are there.
An example of a virgin would be FOX News Reporter Tucker Carlson. Judging by his bow tie (deemed appropriate only at fancy balls and shindigs), lack of rhetoric in conversation and the gut-feeling he still lives with his folks, he was standard definition of nerds until just recently when he discovered the tie and FOX moved him from unpaid intern to a real position.
Female Virgins:
Appearance:
As with the males, women that are still virgins tend to usually be “fugly.”
Like men, they come in all shapes and sizes but prefer the color black as it either slims them down or scares men into believing that they worship the Satan. If they’re wearing a sweater in the middle of summer, this is considered a bad sign.
One factor that varies for women is hair quotient. Sometimes this is simple that their hair is in their face obscuring their looks. Other times there is hair ON their face. Moustaches, beards, arm hair thick enough to look like water wings are all deterrents in the fixing their virgin status.Behavior:
Some virgins are super attractive but hold off on taking the plunge due to abstinence (SEE: Jonas Brothers Cult) or have decided to wait by carrying with them various tools to repel men until they feel ready (SEE: Bible).
With the exception of those selective few, most women mimic the same trends as their male colleagues in that they couldn’t talk their way out of a paper bag. The reason they can’t figure this out is usually do to the lack of knowing the correct body language (Extend chest out while talking).
Following that, usually the only girls left are the ones that believe themselves fiercely independent where sex objectifies and degrades women. Refusing to conform and jump on the skanky band wagon, they take a rigid stance on the other side of the spectrum and invoke celibacy and decree sex immoral. These women later become lawyers, PE instructors and nuns.
Anatomy:
Finally, a girl can be determined a virgin by the indication of her hymen being broken. It is, however, very unlikely that a girl would show you her hymen as evidence and asking is also ill-advised as a slap across the questioner’s face may occur.
In conclusion, now that you have learned several of the outliers that will help you determine a virgin, it is your job to give them the above phone number and help them.
We all have to start somewhere.
Oh and in other good news, that whole burning Quran Day thing? It's been moved to a TBD kind of thing so for now we're all back to hugs and kisses right?
I guess not.
* It should be noted that, while accurate there are situations in life that must be factored into the basement/guest house equation such as loss of job, loss of residency, or loss of pride.
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