So I was looking through my notepad on my phone today and began reading some quick mental snipets of things I thought important enough to write down for a rainy day. The only problem? I can't remember why. Enjoy.
The holidays are riddled with censporship - if I had to guess, I'm going to say this had something to do with people being afraid to say merry christmas or happy hannakah at their work and instead settling for the generic happy holidays phrase to avoid confrontation. That or my mom had finally just told me Santa Claus doesn't actually exist. I'm 50/50 on this one.
A poletender not a bartender- I think this one is just some funny remark I heard about the difference of an attractive woman working at a seedy joint.
How is Lawerence Fishborne AKA Cowboy Curtis still acting- ok I think I used this one already, but seriously, how does a black man in cowskin chaps who wrangles talking sofas sit as the figurehead (the pontiff if you will) on the highest grossing tv series of all time? No justice I tell you.
People who watch porn are hypocrites against prop 8 - You might say your repulsed by all things gay but you know you have stare at his plumbing to check out hers. And if you try and say you're only into chick on chick... I'm just going to raise an eyebrow to what it was you exactly were against. BUSTED!
*I also wrote something about sneezing during self-appreciation time. What in the world....
While we are on the subject of porn, why doesn't 3D porn exist - I'm no expert, but it seems more and more movies these days are going into the realm of the third dimension. Why hasn't the porn biz jumped on this band wagon? If you asked me genitalia that popped seems like a no brainer to me.
Commercials with famous people just soaking it up - is it just me or does anyone actually want to watch Liv Tyler play a Nintendo DS with their friends while the rest of us common folk have to suffer and toil to make a days income? I grow tired of seeing people who have made it handed the easy life and being reminded of it irks me to no end. In truth I'm just jealous that I can't afford a DS I know Ms. Tyler just got for free. Damn her.
No name critics writing bad movie review taglines - nothing cracks me up more than when I look at the cover of a movie and read the words "this movie will blow you're mind!" I then look at the quotes source and it will read "Jack Smith at www.iliveathome.com" it just tickles me to know end. Also as an added bonus of knowledge dropped, if you see a movie you have never heard of dropping comparisons of popular titles like, "Scarier than JAWS" just set it down and walk away. Total trap.
I also have a list of things to do before I die on here which for now, ill keep to myself. However, if any of you are down to hitchhike like a hobo on a freight train, let me know.
That about sums up the spiderwebs in my brain closet. I'm writing this from a notepad on my cellphone so I apologize for any typos in advance. My fat digits and these little buttons are a recipe for disaster. I'm off to go bike some more around Oregon! Ciao!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
So, I'm retarded.
Like even more so then the time I lit my armpit on fire retarded.
Thanks in advance to those of you who are nodding in agreement saying to yourselves that you already knew this. However in the hope of not ruining people’s futures, if you have any desire to read Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor, avoid this rant.
I’ve just read Survivor for a second time and for a second time, I still can’t figure out exactly what it is he “survived.” I can recognize all the other themes, like the ever-present notion that commercialism has eroded individuality and identity and the Fertility concept that we can’t escape our own fate and things laid in motion will happen. But this whole surviving business has me thoroughly stumped.
Is surviving simply breaking out of the Creedish indoctrination? Or is the surviving the legacy he leaves behind in the tape recorder? Or is it simply because he was the last survivor? I refuse to believe it could be something as simple as that, I like my double meanings and hidden-in-plain-sight agendas that Palahniuk is notorious for leaving. He’s the satirical king of presenting the darker grander shadow that casts itself over this globe.
People might try to say leave my hands clean of looking for a resolved ending. I know I can’t expect some Hollywood movie cookie cutter ending or happily ever after, but I don’t want to keep scratching my head to the balding point over this.
So come on brain trust, I need some shout outs and insight. While you’re at it, I could use some literary suggestions. All I’ve got left to read is Pygmy and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
As a last side note, what’s you’re favorite Palahniuk book? Personally mine’s Choke. The twists and dementia are top-notch.
Thanks in advance to those of you who are nodding in agreement saying to yourselves that you already knew this. However in the hope of not ruining people’s futures, if you have any desire to read Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor, avoid this rant.
I’ve just read Survivor for a second time and for a second time, I still can’t figure out exactly what it is he “survived.” I can recognize all the other themes, like the ever-present notion that commercialism has eroded individuality and identity and the Fertility concept that we can’t escape our own fate and things laid in motion will happen. But this whole surviving business has me thoroughly stumped.
Is surviving simply breaking out of the Creedish indoctrination? Or is the surviving the legacy he leaves behind in the tape recorder? Or is it simply because he was the last survivor? I refuse to believe it could be something as simple as that, I like my double meanings and hidden-in-plain-sight agendas that Palahniuk is notorious for leaving. He’s the satirical king of presenting the darker grander shadow that casts itself over this globe.
People might try to say leave my hands clean of looking for a resolved ending. I know I can’t expect some Hollywood movie cookie cutter ending or happily ever after, but I don’t want to keep scratching my head to the balding point over this.
So come on brain trust, I need some shout outs and insight. While you’re at it, I could use some literary suggestions. All I’ve got left to read is Pygmy and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
As a last side note, what’s you’re favorite Palahniuk book? Personally mine’s Choke. The twists and dementia are top-notch.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Generation Robbed.
Maybe I’m being selfish here, but when did coffee shops become more than a place to get coffee? I remember a time where you could go to a coffee shop to listen to some easy music, read something or catch up on some work in the comfortable confines of a mellow place. It seems those humble Seattle origins have been left behind.
Nowadays would-be patrons are left with two options, try to survive the fast-food environment of a starbucks or roll the dice with a mom and pops shop. Starbucks has so much foot traffic that it’s impossible to ever enjoy a serene moment there. I mean who could blame them? There frappacinos are just so damn trendy. Plus the sound of their grinding blending machines aren’t distracting at all. I mean who doesn’t love the sound of a jumbo jet landing and crashing in your ear?
Then there are the mom and pop shops. My heart always goes out to those places. Already fighting an uphill battle against a company that defined the American status for the last decade, is the equivalent of…. I actually can’t think of one because of the immense distraction these children around me are becoming, hence the emergence of this blog. It’s a tough business market to successfully penetrate.
I could run the gambit of situations that I don’t think are coffee shop worthy, but instead I think it would be easier to just establish a set of parameters…. Rules if you will.
COFFEE RULE #1
Trix are for kids. Coffee is for adults. Children have no business in a coffee shop. They are the counter-culture of what a coffee shop stands for and they don’t need the product. It’s not a daycare to talk to your girlfriend, take them to the park. Honestly, if we are going to ram that much caffeine down a kid’s throat, let’s just give them a complimentary pack of smokes to start things on the right foot. And they wonder why ridilin exists.
COFFEE RULE #2
It’s a coffee SHOP not a BAR. Don’t get me wrong I like me some bar. I like drinking at a bar. I like using a bar of soap. I even have a huge amount of respect for people who take a BAR exam let alone pass it. But there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable at a coffee shop. You’re not going to chug 20 ounces of liquid fire. You’re not going to get rowdy because your favorite Frank Sinatra or (insert random 90’s alternative song here) suddenly comes on. And people don’t want to get hit on at a coffee shop. Random flirting and fraternizing should be confined to the precious moments waiting in line for coffee. After that, consider your ticket punched. Once they sit down, chances are they already have the one coffee they came in for and don’t need another. Get a gift card for next time if you really want to try to make things work. And while they think it’s great you like the same authors that they do, they really probably would rather try to read the author then talk about them.
Sidenote: Nothing says “let’s be friends” then taking a girl to a coffee shop.
COFFEE RULE # 3
Juice unto others as they juice to you. Electricity never comes uninterrupted. If you take a laptop to a coffee shop, remember the golden rule. If you need power, chances are someone else will too. Never hog up a table where outlets are available. When you take that spot, you become that person on an airplane responsible for emergency exits. Traditional methods include “spreading out” where papers cover every spare inch of a table. Be prepared to share and if you can think ahead bring an adapter to add in case all spots are tied up. Nothing says “threeway” more than plugging into the two other girls sockets at the same time.
COFFEE RULE #4
Noise pollution is as nasty as SMOG. So just like you SMOG check your car, SMOG check your voice box. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with conversation. Some of the most stimulating conversations I’ve ever had emerged over a warm cup of joe. For example, there was this one time we talked about how Hitler was a genius, but I’ll save that for another day. The point is this, no one wants to actually hear about how you missed your period and no one cares if your employer wants to know if you filed those TPS reports. You don’t want us to really be a part of your business so leave us out of it. But if you really want us to remind you that you need to pick up some pasta sauce on the way home, we’d be happy to slap a post-it note on your retarded dome.
COFFEE RULE #5
Always tip. This should be a given, but some people feel the need to go against this rule. These people usually are making pretty close to minimum wage and they are taking care of you 100%. They’re both your waiter and your cook. I’m even pretty confident that’s what Barista means in Italian. They deserve whatever loose coin change they handed you. Even if you don’t think the service was good, it could always be worse. Like the spit-kind of worse when they get disgruntled you didn’t leave that .05 cents you had left over in their shiny jar. Get the picture?
Follow these rules and live a happy caffine injected life. Disobey them, and pray that you’re not wearing a poly/cotton blend fabric that will fuse to your skin with the scalding liquid hot beverage I will pour over you should you cross me.
Nowadays would-be patrons are left with two options, try to survive the fast-food environment of a starbucks or roll the dice with a mom and pops shop. Starbucks has so much foot traffic that it’s impossible to ever enjoy a serene moment there. I mean who could blame them? There frappacinos are just so damn trendy. Plus the sound of their grinding blending machines aren’t distracting at all. I mean who doesn’t love the sound of a jumbo jet landing and crashing in your ear?
Then there are the mom and pop shops. My heart always goes out to those places. Already fighting an uphill battle against a company that defined the American status for the last decade, is the equivalent of…. I actually can’t think of one because of the immense distraction these children around me are becoming, hence the emergence of this blog. It’s a tough business market to successfully penetrate.
I could run the gambit of situations that I don’t think are coffee shop worthy, but instead I think it would be easier to just establish a set of parameters…. Rules if you will.
COFFEE RULE #1
Trix are for kids. Coffee is for adults. Children have no business in a coffee shop. They are the counter-culture of what a coffee shop stands for and they don’t need the product. It’s not a daycare to talk to your girlfriend, take them to the park. Honestly, if we are going to ram that much caffeine down a kid’s throat, let’s just give them a complimentary pack of smokes to start things on the right foot. And they wonder why ridilin exists.
COFFEE RULE #2
It’s a coffee SHOP not a BAR. Don’t get me wrong I like me some bar. I like drinking at a bar. I like using a bar of soap. I even have a huge amount of respect for people who take a BAR exam let alone pass it. But there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable at a coffee shop. You’re not going to chug 20 ounces of liquid fire. You’re not going to get rowdy because your favorite Frank Sinatra or (insert random 90’s alternative song here) suddenly comes on. And people don’t want to get hit on at a coffee shop. Random flirting and fraternizing should be confined to the precious moments waiting in line for coffee. After that, consider your ticket punched. Once they sit down, chances are they already have the one coffee they came in for and don’t need another. Get a gift card for next time if you really want to try to make things work. And while they think it’s great you like the same authors that they do, they really probably would rather try to read the author then talk about them.
Sidenote: Nothing says “let’s be friends” then taking a girl to a coffee shop.
COFFEE RULE # 3
Juice unto others as they juice to you. Electricity never comes uninterrupted. If you take a laptop to a coffee shop, remember the golden rule. If you need power, chances are someone else will too. Never hog up a table where outlets are available. When you take that spot, you become that person on an airplane responsible for emergency exits. Traditional methods include “spreading out” where papers cover every spare inch of a table. Be prepared to share and if you can think ahead bring an adapter to add in case all spots are tied up. Nothing says “threeway” more than plugging into the two other girls sockets at the same time.
COFFEE RULE #4
Noise pollution is as nasty as SMOG. So just like you SMOG check your car, SMOG check your voice box. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with conversation. Some of the most stimulating conversations I’ve ever had emerged over a warm cup of joe. For example, there was this one time we talked about how Hitler was a genius, but I’ll save that for another day. The point is this, no one wants to actually hear about how you missed your period and no one cares if your employer wants to know if you filed those TPS reports. You don’t want us to really be a part of your business so leave us out of it. But if you really want us to remind you that you need to pick up some pasta sauce on the way home, we’d be happy to slap a post-it note on your retarded dome.
COFFEE RULE #5
Always tip. This should be a given, but some people feel the need to go against this rule. These people usually are making pretty close to minimum wage and they are taking care of you 100%. They’re both your waiter and your cook. I’m even pretty confident that’s what Barista means in Italian. They deserve whatever loose coin change they handed you. Even if you don’t think the service was good, it could always be worse. Like the spit-kind of worse when they get disgruntled you didn’t leave that .05 cents you had left over in their shiny jar. Get the picture?
Follow these rules and live a happy caffine injected life. Disobey them, and pray that you’re not wearing a poly/cotton blend fabric that will fuse to your skin with the scalding liquid hot beverage I will pour over you should you cross me.
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