I AM SAM

Dear Sam Raimi,

Why must you let me down so much?

You used to make great movies like the Evil Dead Trilogy among many others. You used to make me laugh. Now all you do is make me cry.

I thought maybe in Spider-Man 3, you might have had a rough patch in your personal life as of late. Maybe your wife discovered the purpose of hiring cute, 18-year-old personal assistants and put a stop to it. Maybe your body was snatched up by a pod and now an alien zombie copy of you has taken your place.

Either way, I try to look past your failure and move to the future. After recent news, all I can ask is this: Have you ever read a comic book in your life?

Spider-Man is not Emo, he is not into Jazz hands, and he certainly doesn’t take his mask off every 15 seconds to show us how blue his eyes are.

So stop fucking it up already….. sir.

The fact that you hobbled Venom, one of Spidey’s worst villains and combined him a character that you half-ass pulled out of comic lore and then infused it with your own primadona needs was supposed to teach you a lesson that when you play god, it bites you in the face.

Did you ever read the feedback or did you just watch the dollar signs rain down on your cash cow franchise?

Let me explain this as simple as I can: WE DO NOT NEED NEW MADE-UP VILLAINS! You have plenty of bad guys waiting in the stables, probably more than any other franchise. Vulture: GOOD. Vuluress: STUPID AND BAD. It’s like you are devolving into a caveman with your creative wit in a universe overflowing with possibility.

I know you have signed on for six films, and while I’m disappointed Disney and Marvel don’t seem to put a tighter reign on your affairs, please stop frustrating fans.

Here’s the basic formula to keep Spider-Man 4 amazing. Have Peter struggle with personal character flaws between him and his alter-ego WITHOUT the hair getting slicked back. Introduce the origin of just one villain and create an intricate showdown between the two. Make sure Bruce Campbell reprises a cameo. So far, it is your only bread and butter consistency.

Failing that, let your brother Ted take a shot at it. I don’t see how he could screw it up anymore than you have.

Thank you for your time Mr. Raimi,
Matt

P.S. Drag Me to Hell wasn’t too Shabby, but please think twice before you run off and make another Evil Dead. Don’t fix what isn’t broken.