Maybe I’m being selfish here, but when did coffee shops become more than a place to get coffee? I remember a time where you could go to a coffee shop to listen to some easy music, read something or catch up on some work in the comfortable confines of a mellow place. It seems those humble Seattle origins have been left behind.
Nowadays would-be patrons are left with two options, try to survive the fast-food environment of a starbucks or roll the dice with a mom and pops shop. Starbucks has so much foot traffic that it’s impossible to ever enjoy a serene moment there. I mean who could blame them? There frappacinos are just so damn trendy. Plus the sound of their grinding blending machines aren’t distracting at all. I mean who doesn’t love the sound of a jumbo jet landing and crashing in your ear?
Then there are the mom and pop shops. My heart always goes out to those places. Already fighting an uphill battle against a company that defined the American status for the last decade, is the equivalent of…. I actually can’t think of one because of the immense distraction these children around me are becoming, hence the emergence of this blog. It’s a tough business market to successfully penetrate.
I could run the gambit of situations that I don’t think are coffee shop worthy, but instead I think it would be easier to just establish a set of parameters…. Rules if you will.
COFFEE RULE #1
Trix are for kids. Coffee is for adults. Children have no business in a coffee shop. They are the counter-culture of what a coffee shop stands for and they don’t need the product. It’s not a daycare to talk to your girlfriend, take them to the park. Honestly, if we are going to ram that much caffeine down a kid’s throat, let’s just give them a complimentary pack of smokes to start things on the right foot. And they wonder why ridilin exists.
COFFEE RULE #2
It’s a coffee SHOP not a BAR. Don’t get me wrong I like me some bar. I like drinking at a bar. I like using a bar of soap. I even have a huge amount of respect for people who take a BAR exam let alone pass it. But there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable at a coffee shop. You’re not going to chug 20 ounces of liquid fire. You’re not going to get rowdy because your favorite Frank Sinatra or (insert random 90’s alternative song here) suddenly comes on. And people don’t want to get hit on at a coffee shop. Random flirting and fraternizing should be confined to the precious moments waiting in line for coffee. After that, consider your ticket punched. Once they sit down, chances are they already have the one coffee they came in for and don’t need another. Get a gift card for next time if you really want to try to make things work. And while they think it’s great you like the same authors that they do, they really probably would rather try to read the author then talk about them.
Sidenote: Nothing says “let’s be friends” then taking a girl to a coffee shop.
COFFEE RULE # 3
Juice unto others as they juice to you. Electricity never comes uninterrupted. If you take a laptop to a coffee shop, remember the golden rule. If you need power, chances are someone else will too. Never hog up a table where outlets are available. When you take that spot, you become that person on an airplane responsible for emergency exits. Traditional methods include “spreading out” where papers cover every spare inch of a table. Be prepared to share and if you can think ahead bring an adapter to add in case all spots are tied up. Nothing says “threeway” more than plugging into the two other girls sockets at the same time.
COFFEE RULE #4
Noise pollution is as nasty as SMOG. So just like you SMOG check your car, SMOG check your voice box. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with conversation. Some of the most stimulating conversations I’ve ever had emerged over a warm cup of joe. For example, there was this one time we talked about how Hitler was a genius, but I’ll save that for another day. The point is this, no one wants to actually hear about how you missed your period and no one cares if your employer wants to know if you filed those TPS reports. You don’t want us to really be a part of your business so leave us out of it. But if you really want us to remind you that you need to pick up some pasta sauce on the way home, we’d be happy to slap a post-it note on your retarded dome.
COFFEE RULE #5
Always tip. This should be a given, but some people feel the need to go against this rule. These people usually are making pretty close to minimum wage and they are taking care of you 100%. They’re both your waiter and your cook. I’m even pretty confident that’s what Barista means in Italian. They deserve whatever loose coin change they handed you. Even if you don’t think the service was good, it could always be worse. Like the spit-kind of worse when they get disgruntled you didn’t leave that .05 cents you had left over in their shiny jar. Get the picture?
Follow these rules and live a happy caffine injected life. Disobey them, and pray that you’re not wearing a poly/cotton blend fabric that will fuse to your skin with the scalding liquid hot beverage I will pour over you should you cross me.
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1 comment:
I love what you had to say, but I actually disagree with tip #5. Ironic, since I work at Starbucks. But previous to working there and even after, I never felt like tipping was really necessary. I have been a server too and THAT definitely deserves a good tip, because so much is involved in making someone happy (like cutting their corn off the cob ... geeez).
But how hard is it to make a tall latte? Not very. How hard is it to make an iced quad venti 1/2 caf sub Sugar Free Vanilla 1% upside-down light-ice caramel macchiato? Pretty freaking annoying. So here are my rules for tipping: If you pay $2-3 for a basic drink, your change is greatly appreciated. Maybe not everyday, but if you come in 5 days a week, show a little love. But if you never tip, I won't think that much less of you. If you pay $4-5 for a drink that is super obnoxious, be sure that if you refuse to ever tip us, we will get annoyed. We show our love by making your dumb drink the right way, you should do the same by tipping every now and again.
I also think that, if you keep your 45 cents of change then you're like me and can use that to buy something elsewhere. But like you say Matt, if you keep your 5-10 cents, you're just a cheap bastard.
Now I know other baristas have other opinions on the matter, but here's my take. I'm not like Dwight in that I never tip for something I could do myself, but I'm just not generous when it comes to coffee. Ultimatley it isn't that hard or time consuming to make the drinks, so why should I pay extra??
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